So anxious for Tuesday. Finished my shots yesterday and I must say I am glad, they do have a tendency to make you feel like a great big truck has run over my body. Surprising how much better I feel after not having chemo for a few weeks. Can actually taste my food again-that could be good or bad-need to loose a few more pounds. Trying not to get my hopes up for more chemo, a real hard place as I want my bone marrow to work but of course chemo is no fun. I am glad the decision rest in the hands of the Lord and not me! I rest!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday evening in the Beth Moore Bible study was such an emotional time. Have you ever had Beth lecture and you look around and wonder what all of the other people are doing there because she is speaking only to you and no one else should be around. Part of her teaching was on leaders having rough times to go through to see how they react and of course while other people, as well as God observes them. I look at myself and said, who me. Of course the Lord looked at me and said yeah you! I must admit I was overwhelmed with emotion and responsibility and questions as to whether I have reacted in this situation as I should or if I should have acted differently. I immediately began second guessing myself and having flashback of each situation during this journey that I have passed through. I was so overcome with emotion I just dismissed the class and had nothing to say. That my friends is way out of the ordinary for me as I always have something to say! After much contemplation I have decided that I reacted in most cases as I would have desired too and am painfully humbled to think that God would think me worthy to go through this journey as others watched me travel. I can only pray that as Beth said He would be able to brag on my behavior and be proud of the way His daughter has reacted. I know it hasn't always been how He wished that it would be but hopefully He can salvage some for the furthering of His kingdom. I am thankful for the opportunity to represent His children in a tough situation!
I look forward to Tuesday and pray I will be able to make Him proud of my behavior. I am ready Lord to walk wherever you lead. Take my hand and lead me on.
God is good--------------all the time! susan
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Severe neglect!
Oh how I have neglected this blog sight over the past days. So much has happened but I think I am on the upward swing and road to recovery.
Had to have a blood transfusion two Saturday's ago because my red blood count was so low and mainly because I had Home for the Holiday's coming up on the 23rd and I knew I needed added strength quickly. The transfusion was quite an experience which I am not eager to repeat soon. Think it was the hospital and me being spoiled because of the good care at the Allison Cancer Center. Let's just say I will do things differently next time! The blood did the trick and made me have immediate energy and I felt 110% better quickly. After 9 hours in the hospital that was a good thing.
The best thing of all though was that Weslee, Shiloh and Zach surprised me and came in on Friday night so ALL my babies were in the hospital room with me. I am sure the staff was ready to kill us but they just kept the door shut and never said a word. We had a sweet time together. Thanks to Zach who kept baby Shiloh at home all day, he even went to the grocery store and had supper ready for us when we finally got home. What a blessing that was!
Wes and I have so enjoyed the visits of Marshall, Weslee, Shiloh and the short one from Zach when he brought the girls up and then had to leave to work. Having them here to join Melissia was better than any blood transfusion I could have had. Our house is severely quiet now and we miss them all so much. Thank God for such a sweet family everyday-we are so blessed!
I haven't been able to have chemo for the passed few weeks-first my red blood count was too low, then it recovered because of the transfusion-now my white blood count is at a 2 and should be at a 5. My bone marrow just got hit really hard by the first round of chemo and can't seem to jump start again. This Dr. visit she put me on shots for 5 days straight and then we will try again. Shots should jump start the bone marrow to start producing again and not be lazy-if not Dr. Carr recommended we stop and call it done! She said sometimes as Drs. they work so hard to get rid of the cancer that vital organs are harmed in the process and the bone marrow is definitely that-if it is permanently damaged it could run the risk of leukemia later on and I don't want that. She said the first four should have gotten all the stray cells and they would keep checking for a recurrence! I so trust her and it all makes sense. The way I look at it is that God knows if I need anymore and if I do He will make a way and I am trusting Him! I am ready to be done with all of this-soon and very soon!
I have had nothing but peace throughout the entire process and know that is because my Jesus goes before me and the decisions are made before I get there-praise Him for that! I continue to feel His strength and gentle prodding every step of the way and when I think, NO MORE, He says not your choice my child, it's mine!
You the sovereign Lord, come with power, and Your arm rules for You. Your reward is with You, and Your recompense accompanies You. You tend Your flock like a shepherd: You gather the lambs in Your arms and carry them close to your heart; You gently lead those that have young. (Isa. 40:10-11) Lord I know I am your lamb and I am so thankful that you never grow weary of carrying me! We are almost done, just a little while longer. Praise you Jesus, you never give up!
God is good-----------------all the time! susan
Had to have a blood transfusion two Saturday's ago because my red blood count was so low and mainly because I had Home for the Holiday's coming up on the 23rd and I knew I needed added strength quickly. The transfusion was quite an experience which I am not eager to repeat soon. Think it was the hospital and me being spoiled because of the good care at the Allison Cancer Center. Let's just say I will do things differently next time! The blood did the trick and made me have immediate energy and I felt 110% better quickly. After 9 hours in the hospital that was a good thing.
The best thing of all though was that Weslee, Shiloh and Zach surprised me and came in on Friday night so ALL my babies were in the hospital room with me. I am sure the staff was ready to kill us but they just kept the door shut and never said a word. We had a sweet time together. Thanks to Zach who kept baby Shiloh at home all day, he even went to the grocery store and had supper ready for us when we finally got home. What a blessing that was!
Wes and I have so enjoyed the visits of Marshall, Weslee, Shiloh and the short one from Zach when he brought the girls up and then had to leave to work. Having them here to join Melissia was better than any blood transfusion I could have had. Our house is severely quiet now and we miss them all so much. Thank God for such a sweet family everyday-we are so blessed!
I haven't been able to have chemo for the passed few weeks-first my red blood count was too low, then it recovered because of the transfusion-now my white blood count is at a 2 and should be at a 5. My bone marrow just got hit really hard by the first round of chemo and can't seem to jump start again. This Dr. visit she put me on shots for 5 days straight and then we will try again. Shots should jump start the bone marrow to start producing again and not be lazy-if not Dr. Carr recommended we stop and call it done! She said sometimes as Drs. they work so hard to get rid of the cancer that vital organs are harmed in the process and the bone marrow is definitely that-if it is permanently damaged it could run the risk of leukemia later on and I don't want that. She said the first four should have gotten all the stray cells and they would keep checking for a recurrence! I so trust her and it all makes sense. The way I look at it is that God knows if I need anymore and if I do He will make a way and I am trusting Him! I am ready to be done with all of this-soon and very soon!
I have had nothing but peace throughout the entire process and know that is because my Jesus goes before me and the decisions are made before I get there-praise Him for that! I continue to feel His strength and gentle prodding every step of the way and when I think, NO MORE, He says not your choice my child, it's mine!
You the sovereign Lord, come with power, and Your arm rules for You. Your reward is with You, and Your recompense accompanies You. You tend Your flock like a shepherd: You gather the lambs in Your arms and carry them close to your heart; You gently lead those that have young. (Isa. 40:10-11) Lord I know I am your lamb and I am so thankful that you never grow weary of carrying me! We are almost done, just a little while longer. Praise you Jesus, you never give up!
God is good-----------------all the time! susan
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Beyond Tired!
Tuesday came and went and they sent me home without chemo treatment because my blood counts were very low, severe anemia, and a bad cough. I got an antibiotic for the cough and I just pray it gets better. Seems I just want to sleep all the time and I can't imagine still being sleepy but I am. Just can't seem to feel better. This is such a weird sleep between wild dreams and a sleep so deep you don't feel like you will ever wake up, but you do and you are still sleepy. I am hoping to feel better by Friday or I am going to call and beg for something to make me feel like a human again. If it means a blood transfusion then I am ready, I just want some strength back.
I know the Lord has called me to this place and will use me in this place and I am ready for whatever He has, just need the strength to do it-again I know right now that comes from Him and Him alone.
You will turn my mourning into gladness; You will give me comfort and joy instead of sorrow. You have declared that You will satisfy Your people with abundance, and we will be filled with Your bounty (Jer. 31:11-14)
Lord, You will refresh the weary and the faint (Jer. 31:25)
Lord, I fell both of those and wait eagerly for your refreshing. Amen
God is good------------------------all the time! susan
I know the Lord has called me to this place and will use me in this place and I am ready for whatever He has, just need the strength to do it-again I know right now that comes from Him and Him alone.
You will turn my mourning into gladness; You will give me comfort and joy instead of sorrow. You have declared that You will satisfy Your people with abundance, and we will be filled with Your bounty (Jer. 31:11-14)
Lord, You will refresh the weary and the faint (Jer. 31:25)
Lord, I fell both of those and wait eagerly for your refreshing. Amen
God is good------------------------all the time! susan
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Rough week but today is Sunday and we begin again!
This new chemo has an all new set of side effects and honestly I think that the devil has managed to get me down this week but I promise you he did not win and God did prevail. Seemed I fought all week to keep a positive attitude and some moments were better than others! I told Wes this morning seems I have so little fight left in me probably because I am so tired and can't seem to feel good. I keep in mind I only have 3 more treatments left and then I can begin the uphill battle of recovery but I am looking forward to that.
Chemo seems to be attaching my "gut" and it hurts a lot when I eat so of course I am reluctant to eat very much of anything but that is a mind game as well as I know I must keep up my strength. I remind myself daily that I am almost there and I must keep fighting because I have a busy schedule and much to do. Thank goodness for a purpose to keep my mind off myself and my eyes fixed on God and what He has for me. I realize that as I feel bad it is because I find myself focusing on me and not where I should be and I look to Him again! Pray that I can stay focused on my Jesus and be positive. I don't like it when I get down because that isn't good for anyone around me or me. I want to feast on His promises for me and stay focused on the one who carries me daily. Lord take my hand, pick me up and let's get this thing done. Praise Him for His daily love and care!
You, Lord God, are with me, You are mighty to save. You will take great delight in me. You will quiet me with Your love, You will rejoice over me with singing! (Zeph. 3:17) Lord, your peace covers me and I hear your sweet voice singing to me-it is beautiful.
God is good------------------------all the time! susan
Chemo seems to be attaching my "gut" and it hurts a lot when I eat so of course I am reluctant to eat very much of anything but that is a mind game as well as I know I must keep up my strength. I remind myself daily that I am almost there and I must keep fighting because I have a busy schedule and much to do. Thank goodness for a purpose to keep my mind off myself and my eyes fixed on God and what He has for me. I realize that as I feel bad it is because I find myself focusing on me and not where I should be and I look to Him again! Pray that I can stay focused on my Jesus and be positive. I don't like it when I get down because that isn't good for anyone around me or me. I want to feast on His promises for me and stay focused on the one who carries me daily. Lord take my hand, pick me up and let's get this thing done. Praise Him for His daily love and care!
You, Lord God, are with me, You are mighty to save. You will take great delight in me. You will quiet me with Your love, You will rejoice over me with singing! (Zeph. 3:17) Lord, your peace covers me and I hear your sweet voice singing to me-it is beautiful.
God is good------------------------all the time! susan
Thursday, October 7, 2010
God IS SO good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had a new type of chemo on Tuesday and it was no where near as bad as the 4 previous ones. The sweet nurse at Dr. Carrs office reminded me that if I made it through those last ones I can do anything. Me and God made it and now I only have 3 more and we are done! I must say again I could never have done any of this without God carrying me every step of the way. Nothing on my own-only through and with Him.
Had a scare when they took blood counts on Tuesday-I was really down and they made me come back today, Thursday, to check again and if they were not up I was to have a blood transfusion. I thought that was a bit drastic but they assured me that was perfectly normal and were surprised I had not had to have one so far. So blessed, so many prayers, from so many sweet friends and family. Went in and my counts were up, not great but enough and that is all I ask. So amazed at how many have pledged to pray and were so good to be so diligent especially when the unknown seems such a scary place. So thankful for answered prayer and that the Lord let me go another week with good enough counts.
I continue to say, He is my rock and my foundation and I have no need to fear anything, He remains with me and continues to carry me through from week to week. Chemo again next Tuesday. Bring it on, got my armour on and ready for war!
God is good-------------------all the time! susan
Had a scare when they took blood counts on Tuesday-I was really down and they made me come back today, Thursday, to check again and if they were not up I was to have a blood transfusion. I thought that was a bit drastic but they assured me that was perfectly normal and were surprised I had not had to have one so far. So blessed, so many prayers, from so many sweet friends and family. Went in and my counts were up, not great but enough and that is all I ask. So amazed at how many have pledged to pray and were so good to be so diligent especially when the unknown seems such a scary place. So thankful for answered prayer and that the Lord let me go another week with good enough counts.
I continue to say, He is my rock and my foundation and I have no need to fear anything, He remains with me and continues to carry me through from week to week. Chemo again next Tuesday. Bring it on, got my armour on and ready for war!
God is good-------------------all the time! susan
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