I am officially "deported"

Last Monday the doctor removed my port and I am officially through with the treatments for this cancer that was a short detour in my life. What a detour it was though but I can honestly say it is amazing to see the footprints of the Lord written all over it.

I am sitting in this quiet house right now after a wonderful Thanksgiving day vacation and reflecting on all I truly have to be thankful for. This holiday season will really have a special meaning because of the journey I have taken since June when I found the cancer.

My house is decorated for the holidays (of course after much gritching and moaning from the husband and especially the son because of all the stuff strewn all over and me cracking the whip to get it all done). Actually they were pretty good sports and helped, especially in the attic. Melissia really worked hard to get it all done because that's what "mom" wants-working no playing! Weslee and her family were at the in-laws (she gets to help put all this stuff up) but we get them at Christmas and that is wonderful. Can't wait to see Shiloh get into everything. We are so blessed to have such a wonderful bunch of kiddos!

As we go into the holiday season I have to say gifts don't seem nearly as important although I love buying for the family. Our gift was my health and I think they would all agree. I am just so thankful to be here and able to share in all the festivities and have my health coming back in time to enjoy everyone. I know that it is much more important to be here sharing than it is to have everything perfect for everyone. God has taught me so much as I have stated a thousand times before. I promise just to sit Christmas morning and watch and soak up all the love and beautiful pictures that I am so glad to be a part of.

The removal of the port left a scar on my chest but it will always serve as a reminder of the year that God took me on the journey of a lifetime. I truly praise Him for all the lessons.

Speaking of journeys the love of my life, Wes, and I have been married 33 wonderful years as of yesterday. He was such a rock during these past few months and I love him more and more with each passing day. He was given just to me by a merciful God and I thank Him so. Happy anniversary Wes, I love you!

I close with this scripture, "Praise You, my God! Let the sound of Your praise be heard; You have preserved my life and kept my feet from slipping. For You, O God, tested me; You refined me like silver" (Ps. 66:8-10) I pray that I have been found worthy. I give you praise and thank you for the test!

God is good-------------all the time! susan

Praises!

Yesterday was another doctors appointment to check blood levels and see where we go from here. PRAISES-they are coming up on their own; slowly but responding. I didn't have to do any further shots or transfusions so everything seems to be working like it is suppose to and hasn't been damaged permanently. I can't even tell you what a relief that is to know that the bone marrow is responding. My mind had gone all over the place with what ifs if it didn't respond and start up again. God is definitely good and puts all the pieces together and they always fit perfectly!

Funny, yesterday as I heard the doctor say I didn't have to come back for a month and then only for counts I didn't really even know what to feel or how to react. The appointments have become a part of my life and the anticipation of what I would face with each one was a part of that. I seemed to be quiet numb and in a fog. But, alas, as I woke up this morning I am so excited I can hardly hold it in as I realize this part of the journey is over and I can begin to move on with a new journey, one of healing and building strength again. I think my daughter, Weslee said it best when she said "Mom do you look back and say, did that just really happen?" It seemed everything just happened so fast and all the bad memories, pain, sickness, and uncertainty are pushed so far back that I don't even remember them anymore. Again, part of God's plan I am sure. I am to remember the good family times, good friends, love given and taken, new adventures, laughter and lessons taught and learned. That is what I will carry with me through the months and years to come as I look back and answer the question as to whether that happened or not!

Monday I will go to have my port taken out; I will not miss that little friend. The final step in the close of the chemo chapter of the cancer journey. It served its purpose and the scar will remind me of how much easier that made it for the treatments. I bare it proudly and with thankfulness as a reminder.

I have to close with the opening to Beth Moore's devotional yesterday-she said it best, "perhaps the most profound miracle of all is living through something we thought would kills us." God and I did and it didn't! Father help me to be confident of this that He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus (Phil. 1:6).

God is good---------------all the time! susan

Chemo is OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Went for blood work and chemo yesterday and my blood counts had bottomed out again. Dr. said they were lower than before, red, white, platelets, all of them. Just my body saying it has had enough and she said so as well. She is not willing to risk permanent damage to the bone marrow by trying to finish the last two treatments and I so agree with her. We will go back on Tuesdays for a while for blood counts until they come back up. She suggested we may have to do some more shots and another transfusion in order to get everything working again. I am not gonna lie, I am concerned because they fell again so drastically but I do realize that, again, God is in control and He will put them where they need to be. My prayer is that I don't have a recurrence of the cancer because my bone marrow is not tolerating the treatment well anymore and that makes it hard to treat. Each day I must remind myself that God still carries me and that He knew that this was the outcome before it happened so He will orchestrate the future and I need to let it go! It always takes me a few days to sort through things when changes have to be made. I am so glad that this is in His hands and I can Let It Go! Which I shall.

I am excited about the fact that my body can now get on with the task of recovery and renewal of every inch that has been touched by the chemo. The next few months will be exciting as everyday is on the path to strength and recovery. Yippee! As I said before I never want to forget where this path has taken me because I have learned so much and my desire is to continue to learn and grow in the Lord. What a lesson and oh what a journey! Now on to a new chapter-thank you Lord for lessons learned, new friends, and a closer walk with you.

"My faithful God, I thank You for the grace, mercy, and peace from You the Father and from Jesus Christ, Your Son, that is with me in truth and love." (2 John 3)

God is good--------------all the time! susan

Countdown begins again

Well, my white blood counts were back up and strong so I was able to have chemo on Tuesday. My how fast we forget how bad that stuff makes you feel. I actually felt like a human again, but was reminded on Thursday how it knocks you down and then rolls over you. This round of chemo is so different than the first medicines they gave me. You feel nothing for the first two days and then wake up on the third day and hit a brick wall. Such soreness and fatigue and for some reason it affects my digestion (as does everything else these days-think it could be my age?). But good news that only lasts for about 3 days and on the Lord's Day I feel good again. Praises for that! The really good news is that I only have TWO more of these treatments to go and I am so through!!!!!!!!!!! As I look back I still am in amazement at how it has gone and hasn't been nearly as bad as it could have been. Sorta like having a baby, how soon we forget the discomfort and I am sure that is in the Lord's plan as well.

Our preacher is doing a sermon series on spiritual warfare and today talked about angels and how they were all around us and were God's messengers and our protectors. I had to chuckle and thought how amazing it would have been to see God's angels as they were put in motion as my cancer was found. I look back and am amazed at how paths were cleared and things were set in motion so quickly and of course how I have been able to handle this whole process with the grace God has so graciously covered me with. I know those little angels tongues are hanging out and they will be glad when this process is over so they can get some rest from me. They have certainly worked overtime and done a superb job. Thank you my Father for covering me! But then I knew you would-we just need to be reminded sometime-boy have I been reminded!

This scripture is so appropriate for these days-"Father, by faith in the name of Jesus, make me strong. Help me to realize that it is Jesus' name and the faith that comes through Him that heal me." (Acts 3-16) I pray Lord that I will never forget how it has felt to have You by my side in this journey, keep that memory forever fresh in my mind.

God is good---------------all the time! susan

Anxious!

So anxious for Tuesday. Finished my shots yesterday and I must say I am glad, they do have a tendency to make you feel like a great big truck has run over my body. Surprising how much better I feel after not having chemo for a few weeks. Can actually taste my food again-that could be good or bad-need to loose a few more pounds. Trying not to get my hopes up for more chemo, a real hard place as I want my bone marrow to work but of course chemo is no fun. I am glad the decision rest in the hands of the Lord and not me! I rest!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday evening in the Beth Moore Bible study was such an emotional time. Have you ever had Beth lecture and you look around and wonder what all of the other people are doing there because she is speaking only to you and no one else should be around. Part of her teaching was on leaders having rough times to go through to see how they react and of course while other people, as well as God observes them. I look at myself and said, who me. Of course the Lord looked at me and said yeah you! I must admit I was overwhelmed with emotion and responsibility and questions as to whether I have reacted in this situation as I should or if I should have acted differently. I immediately began second guessing myself and having flashback of each situation during this journey that I have passed through. I was so overcome with emotion I just dismissed the class and had nothing to say. That my friends is way out of the ordinary for me as I always have something to say! After much contemplation I have decided that I reacted in most cases as I would have desired too and am painfully humbled to think that God would think me worthy to go through this journey as others watched me travel. I can only pray that as Beth said He would be able to brag on my behavior and be proud of the way His daughter has reacted. I know it hasn't always been how He wished that it would be but hopefully He can salvage some for the furthering of His kingdom. I am thankful for the opportunity to represent His children in a tough situation!

I look forward to Tuesday and pray I will be able to make Him proud of my behavior. I am ready Lord to walk wherever you lead. Take my hand and lead me on.

God is good--------------all the time! susan

Severe neglect!

Oh how I have neglected this blog sight over the past days. So much has happened but I think I am on the upward swing and road to recovery.

Had to have a blood transfusion two Saturday's ago because my red blood count was so low and mainly because I had Home for the Holiday's coming up on the 23rd and I knew I needed added strength quickly. The transfusion was quite an experience which I am not eager to repeat soon. Think it was the hospital and me being spoiled because of the good care at the Allison Cancer Center. Let's just say I will do things differently next time! The blood did the trick and made me have immediate energy and I felt 110% better quickly. After 9 hours in the hospital that was a good thing.

The best thing of all though was that Weslee, Shiloh and Zach surprised me and came in on Friday night so ALL my babies were in the hospital room with me. I am sure the staff was ready to kill us but they just kept the door shut and never said a word. We had a sweet time together. Thanks to Zach who kept baby Shiloh at home all day, he even went to the grocery store and had supper ready for us when we finally got home. What a blessing that was!

Wes and I have so enjoyed the visits of Marshall, Weslee, Shiloh and the short one from Zach when he brought the girls up and then had to leave to work. Having them here to join Melissia was better than any blood transfusion I could have had. Our house is severely quiet now and we miss them all so much. Thank God for such a sweet family everyday-we are so blessed!

I haven't been able to have chemo for the passed few weeks-first my red blood count was too low, then it recovered because of the transfusion-now my white blood count is at a 2 and should be at a 5. My bone marrow just got hit really hard by the first round of chemo and can't seem to jump start again. This Dr. visit she put me on shots for 5 days straight and then we will try again. Shots should jump start the bone marrow to start producing again and not be lazy-if not Dr. Carr recommended we stop and call it done! She said sometimes as Drs. they work so hard to get rid of the cancer that vital organs are harmed in the process and the bone marrow is definitely that-if it is permanently damaged it could run the risk of leukemia later on and I don't want that. She said the first four should have gotten all the stray cells and they would keep checking for a recurrence! I so trust her and it all makes sense. The way I look at it is that God knows if I need anymore and if I do He will make a way and I am trusting Him! I am ready to be done with all of this-soon and very soon!

I have had nothing but peace throughout the entire process and know that is because my Jesus goes before me and the decisions are made before I get there-praise Him for that! I continue to feel His strength and gentle prodding every step of the way and when I think, NO MORE, He says not your choice my child, it's mine!

You the sovereign Lord, come with power, and Your arm rules for You. Your reward is with You, and Your recompense accompanies You. You tend Your flock like a shepherd: You gather the lambs in Your arms and carry them close to your heart; You gently lead those that have young. (Isa. 40:10-11) Lord I know I am your lamb and I am so thankful that you never grow weary of carrying me! We are almost done, just a little while longer. Praise you Jesus, you never give up!

God is good-----------------all the time! susan

Beyond Tired!

Tuesday came and went and they sent me home without chemo treatment because my blood counts were very low, severe anemia, and a bad cough. I got an antibiotic for the cough and I just pray it gets better. Seems I just want to sleep all the time and I can't imagine still being sleepy but I am. Just can't seem to feel better. This is such a weird sleep between wild dreams and a sleep so deep you don't feel like you will ever wake up, but you do and you are still sleepy. I am hoping to feel better by Friday or I am going to call and beg for something to make me feel like a human again. If it means a blood transfusion then I am ready, I just want some strength back.

I know the Lord has called me to this place and will use me in this place and I am ready for whatever He has, just need the strength to do it-again I know right now that comes from Him and Him alone.

You will turn my mourning into gladness; You will give me comfort and joy instead of sorrow. You have declared that You will satisfy Your people with abundance, and we will be filled with Your bounty (Jer. 31:11-14)
Lord, You will refresh the weary and the faint (Jer. 31:25)
Lord, I fell both of those and wait eagerly for your refreshing. Amen

God is good------------------------all the time! susan

Rough week but today is Sunday and we begin again!

This new chemo has an all new set of side effects and honestly I think that the devil has managed to get me down this week but I promise you he did not win and God did prevail. Seemed I fought all week to keep a positive attitude and some moments were better than others! I told Wes this morning seems I have so little fight left in me probably because I am so tired and can't seem to feel good. I keep in mind I only have 3 more treatments left and then I can begin the uphill battle of recovery but I am looking forward to that.

Chemo seems to be attaching my "gut" and it hurts a lot when I eat so of course I am reluctant to eat very much of anything but that is a mind game as well as I know I must keep up my strength. I remind myself daily that I am almost there and I must keep fighting because I have a busy schedule and much to do. Thank goodness for a purpose to keep my mind off myself and my eyes fixed on God and what He has for me. I realize that as I feel bad it is because I find myself focusing on me and not where I should be and I look to Him again! Pray that I can stay focused on my Jesus and be positive. I don't like it when I get down because that isn't good for anyone around me or me. I want to feast on His promises for me and stay focused on the one who carries me daily. Lord take my hand, pick me up and let's get this thing done. Praise Him for His daily love and care!

You, Lord God, are with me, You are mighty to save. You will take great delight in me. You will quiet me with Your love, You will rejoice over me with singing! (Zeph. 3:17) Lord, your peace covers me and I hear your sweet voice singing to me-it is beautiful.

God is good------------------------all the time! susan

God IS SO good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had a new type of chemo on Tuesday and it was no where near as bad as the 4 previous ones. The sweet nurse at Dr. Carrs office reminded me that if I made it through those last ones I can do anything. Me and God made it and now I only have 3 more and we are done! I must say again I could never have done any of this without God carrying me every step of the way. Nothing on my own-only through and with Him.

Had a scare when they took blood counts on Tuesday-I was really down and they made me come back today, Thursday, to check again and if they were not up I was to have a blood transfusion. I thought that was a bit drastic but they assured me that was perfectly normal and were surprised I had not had to have one so far. So blessed, so many prayers, from so many sweet friends and family. Went in and my counts were up, not great but enough and that is all I ask. So amazed at how many have pledged to pray and were so good to be so diligent especially when the unknown seems such a scary place. So thankful for answered prayer and that the Lord let me go another week with good enough counts.

I continue to say, He is my rock and my foundation and I have no need to fear anything, He remains with me and continues to carry me through from week to week. Chemo again next Tuesday. Bring it on, got my armour on and ready for war!

God is good-------------------all the time! susan

Just how tired can I get? Seriously

Seems like I cannot regain the strength I had before. I am just not prepared to stay down and I am not! I pledge to drag myself, if need be, to whatever I need to do. God alone knows I would go crazy if I have to hibernate-I will just rely on Him to carry me.

The sores in my mouth feel like footballs but I have learned to be a big girl and swallow that nasty mouthwash I got from the doctor. It does give periods of numbness and that is a relief.

On an up note it is a beautiful day and fall is in the air. I am so thankful for seasons so we don't get bored with the same old thing. Also my baby son, Marshall, is coming home for a while and I am soooooooo looking forward to that. He can do his studies on line so he can be here for a while to help out. I wish all of my children were here, I do miss them so when they are away. I think maybe we should all live together on a commune so we could at least see each other daily. Just to be able to see them and know all is well means so much. I can't say how proud I am of each of them and their families.

Listen to these words from David: Praise be to You, Lord, for You showed Your wonderful love to me when I was in a besieged city (Ps. 31:21). Me too, David, I am in a "besieged city" but what a comfort to know that God is bigger than any besieger there is! I am well aware that whatever troubles we have here on this earth are all worth it because we will see glory in heaven. And, those troubles only make us stronger Christians to do whatever He has waiting for us up ahead.
So I fix my eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal (2Cor. 4:17-18) I know this besieger is not eternal, our life after is-Praise God for His promises.

God is good----------all the time! susan

Some days are just hard!

Some days it's just hard to get out of bed and go on with daily activities. I realize how some people on chemo would just go to bed and not get up until all the stuff was over. Fortunately I am not made that way and when that feeling hit this morning I reminded myself to get my tail out of bed, get in the shower and go to work where I belonged. These days are days when I could be me focused and I realize that I must be God focused and ask what I can do for Him that day.
Always at work there are smiling faces that welcome me and wonderful customers that come in and are so glad to see all of us at the store. God knows what I need on these days and I am so grateful for that.

Praise God the nausea has subsided and no more headaches. I have aches in my joints, and the inside of my mouth feels like dogs sleep in it nightly and that never goes away. All food taste like cardboard but somehow I just keep eating so I won't get weak. I seem to be a bit off balanced (funny I know but a little more than usual). The tips of my fingers feel like leather and are beginning to peel. I will say I am tired beyond description as well. All of this is normal and will go away with time. None of these things is something I can't deal with-it's not eternal-and is a small price to pay for the destruction of any renegade cells floating around in this ol' body.

I don't want this to sound like a pity party because it's not. Just a dialogue so you know what it is like to have chemo, especially anyone else you know. The food being brought is a God send and of course the cards are so welcomed and I so look forward to them. Friends are more special than ever and then there is my remarkable family. The kids have been wonderful and always there for me. Then there is my beloved Wes, always there and never complaining and always uplifting and loving me through it all. I love you so much!!!!!!!!!!!

Then of course there is my God, who continues to hold me up with His hands and carries me when I can't go anymore. What would I do without that faith that grows daily. He is my rock and my redeemer and because of Him I know I can face tomorrow!

But I trust in You O Lord, I say, "You are my God". My times are in Your hands; deliver me from my enemies and from those who pursue me. Let Your face shine on Your servant; save me in Your unfailing love. (Ps. 31:13-16). How I thank You, Lord, for having the power to turn any curse into a blessing for me, because You, the Lord my God, loves me (Deut. 23:5). Amen

God is good----------all the time! susan

HALF WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Praises, I am half way through my chemo, really more than that because my next appointment will be in 2 weeks and then I will have chemo every Tuesday for 4 weeks. This will be a different medicine, no nausea, no headaches-just tingling in fingers and toes and "loose stools"-bring on the depends! Dr. Carr did tell me I probably would be more tired and that I am anemic again so that will be more tired but it is almost over. Just pray my counts stay up so I can get this over with and move on.

I marvel at how well my body has really done through this whole ordeal. I see so many people that can't even function through these treatments. So far God has allowed me to keep going and lead a quality life with family and friends. What a mighty God we serve, He never sleeps or slumbers and is very true to His promise that He will never leave us or forsake us! This is one grateful child of God!

We are doing David Nasser's A CALL TO DIE along with the youth at church. One of the days lessons was on God's grace and why He allows suffering in our lives since we are His children. I loved what it said and want to share some of his words with you. I challenge you to get this book and allow yourself to be carried through it-not easy but very wise words!

"Pain produces character in our lives like no amount of pleasure possibly can..........When we go to Him in desperation, our ears and our hearts are more open to Him than ever before.................Failure and rejection have a way of stripping us of dependence on our own abilities. We realize we can't accomplish a thing apart from God's direction and power. As our motives are purified and our faith grows, we are better able to rest in and trust in God's hands. This will allow us to become more useful in His loving hands.
I sure wish these lessons could be given by injection, but they are learned only in the tough school of suffering..............I'm talking about the specific trials that God allows us to go through to make to make us more like Christ. It doesn't happen just once. Resistance and repetition of exercise makes muscles grow. Suffering and repetition of trusting God in those painful times makes our faith grow in Him.
God is much more interested in our faith in Him growing than in our comfort and pleasure. Are we?" I pray that my faith may grow by leaps and bounds as I go through this fiery furnace. Thank you God for the furnace.

God is good--------------all the time! susan

So Sad-life goes on!

Such a great visit with baby Shiloh and Weslee! We so enjoyed them while they were here but it is so hard to send them back to there home to carry on. I love to see them in there homes though and now that they are suppose to be there and God does great things with them daily.
Shiloh has grown so much and is so much fun to watch her explore and learn new things every minute of the day. I know she will be a great woman of God and a wonderful example to others. That is my prayer daily for her. Use her God-use her!

This is an off week from chemo and I can't help but think so much during these weeks as I get my strength back one day at a time. God is teaching me daily as I walk this journey. Through the years I have tried to develop the habit of asking God, what do you want me to learn from this Lord, instead of the human side of me wanting to say, this sucks why me. He is revealing to me what I am to learn and it is a new world everyday. As we walk with the Lord we as His followers are to be stripped clean of all worldly things and become new creatures-this no doubt is a daily process, moment by moment calling ourselves back to what is really important and asking God to show us what He wants us to become for Him. As a cancer-chemo patient I am being stripped clean with everyday that passes. I don't ask for sympathy in saying that, I say that to be reminded as I see myself in the mirror of what is really important. Much like Job as he lost parts of his life one thing at a time, I too lose little bits and pieces, just enough that with God's help I can handle those losses. With each loss I become stronger and learn to lean even more heavily on God so that I don't fall apart and think I can't do this. He reminds me with each loss, I CAN do this and I CAN remain strong. I can continue to smile and bring joy to those I come in contact with-I can continue to strive to look the best I can, even if I have to rely on fake boobs, a wig and fake eye lashes. I can continue to serve the Lord at church and receive joy from doing so. I can continue to enjoy my family and friends even on days I feel bad. Most of all I can continue to be a child of the King and be proud to say that I can do all these things because Christ gives me the strength He promised and I can call on that strength every moment of every day! Praise Him that I have been stripped and He continues to teach me daily my power comes from Him, and He will be glorified through this process.

A special friend shared this scripture with me-
The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing. Zephania 3:17
Lord I hear You singing and I love the sound!

God is good--------------all the time! susan

SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My surprise last night from Wes was Shiloh and Weslee flew in! So good to see that precious baby. A great surprise to the end of a chemo day. She is so precious and it is so fun just watching her run all over the house. I am just enjoying them and getting ready to go to get fluids for this nausea stuff. Really wiped out today but added energy from sweet Shiloh. She is a precious distraction!

Peace You leave with me. Your peace You give me. You do not give to me as the world gives. My heart need not be troubled or afraid. (John 14: 26-27)

I will not be troubled Lord, no matter what lies ahead, for I know you have been there and are making a way for me. Praise You in the storm.

God is good----------------------all the time, susan

SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Round 3-here we go!

Tomorrow will be my third round of chemo and I will honestly say I am not looking forward to it. Seems I am just now feeling better from the last one. BUT it brings me that much closer to being finished so I will not complain.

Still am so thankful for such a wonderful support system, so many friends, relatives, and cheerleaders all around me. I really don't know how people do this without that. All I know is that God has certainly blessed me with a lot of people to hold me up and I am one thankful person!

Of course I can never brag enough about the love of my life, Wes as he continues to stand by me and never wavers. He still can look at me-breastless and bald-and tells me I am beautiful and that he loves me. He is definitely a huge blessing and a wonderful gift that God has given me. I love him so!!!!!!!!!!!

Father God, I commit myself and my suffering to You, my faithful Creator, and I will continue to do good (1 Pet.4:19). For I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that You are able to guard what I have entrusted to You for that day (2 Tim. 1:12).
Lord, I entrust tomorrow to You fully. Give me strength Lord and keep me from dreading this so much because I KNOW I can do this and complete all the treatments. Help me finish strong! I know that you are going before me and for that I am thankful.

God is good-------------all the time! susan

Am I old or is chemo just bad!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This has been a pretty rough week, I'm not gonna lie! Last chemo I seemed to bounce back by the second week but this time I'm not bouncing very high, but I AM still doing my stuff! Not sure if it is my age or just that chemo just takes a lot out of you. Seems to attack every area of your body at one time or another. I know it has to do that so that all the cancer cells can be found and destroyed so I know feeling yukky is a small price to pay. So I say "bring it on"!
Next week I will do my third round and I am praying for strength and lots of bounce.

Yesterday was great, had ladies luncheon at church and a wonderful time of fellowship with about 45 ladies. We collected baby supplies and clothes for Buckner and had some of the cutest stuff you have ever seen, AND collected over $300 toward the purchase of car seats for moms in need. Way to go Crestview ladies, so glad to be able to be a part of that ministry.

We are in full swing for our annual Home for the Holidays on Oct. 23! Wow can't believe it's time but so glad I am able to do my thing in that area. Please Lord let me finish this task strong-I so love it.

God continues to be my stronghold in the midst of all of this. I continue to remind myself that no matter where I am going He has been there before me and has and will continue to straighten the paths. What a comfort that is to know He is my constant companion and has blessed me with a strong family and many friends who accompany me on this journey.

Father God, I commit myself and my suffering to You, my faithful Creator, and I will continue to do good (1Pet.4:19). For I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that You are able to guard what I have entrusted to You for that day (2 Tim. 1:12)

Father, I entrust to You the next weeks of this battle-hold me up Lord, hold me up!

God is good----------------all the time. susan

Made It!

Feel like I accomplished something by making it through week 2 of chemo. The fluids really helped with the nausea just left me with acheness and fatigue. Feels like I have done two Home for the Holidays back to back and need to crash. I have managed to keep going and worked a little (love that store). Just try to take it a little easy at home and of course my sweet Wes helps out so much and is so patient. Have had some wonderful meals this week thanks to sweet friends-what a God send they are.

Wigs are doing well, I even wrapped a scarf around my head to watch a movie at home last night and Wes didn't even call me aunt Jamima, thank you Lord. Still have my eyelashes and making good use of mascara while I can. Wonder what all else that chemo kills besides cancer but then I certainly can't think about that. Just glad I'm still kicking!

Ready for church tomorrow and of course the unveiling of the new hair. I am sure everyone will be kind to me. Don't know whether that means they are just nice, or just scarred to say anything bad, or maybe it does look darn good. After all everyone knows there is nothing worse on earth than a female who has lost her hair and is still on chemo! I'd be scarred, wouldn't you?

Speaking of lovely-check out this wonderful quote-
"When you are feeling unlovely, soak yourself in the proclamations of God's unfailing love for you". Wow, how is that for a promise, nothing so bad can make His children unlovely in His eyes.
I'm so glad He looks through all the ugliness of our behavior and our thoughts, even our bald skinny heads, out of shape bodies, and sick insides; and He continues to lavish His unfailing love on us every second of every day. Thank you my Jesus for loving me!

God, How I thank You that I can confidently claim that if You are for me, who can be against me? (Rom. 8:31). As Your child, help me to realize every day of my life that You are for me and never against me-and to know with full confidence that you go before me and the battle is won already!

God is good------------all the time, susan

Uggg! Round 2

Had chemo yesterday and of course today has been kind of a downer. I spent this afternoon at the cancer center getting my booster shot and IV liquids to try and hold down the nausea. This crazy headache from the chemo is not fun but it does seem to be subsiding a little. I keep reminding myself this will pass sooner than later and is totally necessary. Days like this are hard because of all the pokes and needles-but-tomorrow is a new day and I am anxious to get there. I know the liquids are working because I have spent the remainder of the day in the bathroom but that is just more poison working its way through my system. Enough griping-movin on and I'm just glad to be alive and enjoying this cool weather we are so blessed to have.

As I was taking treatment this afternoon there we two "special men" they brought in for treatment from a local halfway house. The nurses were so gentle and patient with them and treated them with the utmost respect making them feel as comfortable as possible in a very unfamiliar environment to them. After all those years of teaching those precious souls my eyes filled with tears as I realized with all the problems they have lived with through the years, now they must endure even more. In their childlike ways they were so trusting and trying so hard to be brave.

We really have no problems and God has so blessed our families with health and so much more. I must remember to keep my eyes off myself and more on others and ultimately on the one who gives us life daily-our Lord and Savior!

You, my faithful Lord, are gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in Love. You, my Lord, are good to all. You have compassion on all You have made. All You have made will praise You, O Lord, Your saints will extol You (Ps 145:8-10).
Lord, my God, may Your unfailing love be my comfort, according to Your promise to Your servant (Ps.119-76). I am your servant Lord, use me!

God is good-------------all the time! susan

My what a difference a day makes!

I must update this blog as yesterday was definitely a downer. The sun came up beautiful and bright this morning and God made a spectacular West Texas day and I will survive!
So many people prayed and I know that my Jesus reached down, brushed me off, patted my little bald head and said now my child go on with your life and "do good". I felt one hundred percent better except for the fact my head and eyes hurt from crying so much yesterday. Price I pay for being such a ball bag!

Wore my "new hair" to work today and so many of my regular customers came in and not one said anything about my hair being different or had strange looks on their faces. Just made me realize it looked good because no one said anything. I just want to look like I always do. I even put on my makeup this morning without anything on my bald head. I can now look at it in the mirror without tears. It is indeed ugly, very small and splotchy. There are still little nubs of hair where it has not fallen out and of course some spots are dark and some light because of the gray-the gray splotches look like glitter-weird like a Dalmatian dog or something-not attractive at all. I definitely know where my sweet son got his ugly bald head when he shaved it a few years ago-from his MAMA! I made so much fun of him-he even tried to make me feel better yesterday and said he would shave his too but we surely don't need two ugly bald heads in one family. Keep yours son and mine shall return!

Shout outs to my wonderful husband for just holding me last night and assuring me my hair was not what made me me and to my sweet children for all the encouragement over those hard hours. They were right there cheering me on over facebook and the telephone and even in person. So many friends were so concerned and prayed and God was there answering their prayers even before they were spoken.

Today's devotional was priceless and I must share:
Father God, how great is the love You have lavished on me, that I should be called a child of God! And that is what I am! (1 John 3:1)
As I walk with You, Lord, You will not let my foot slip---You who watch over me will not slumber; indeed, You who watch over Your children will neither slumber nor sleep.
Lord last night as your child cried herself to sleep you stayed up all night patting her head and letting her know that you love her more than she could ever imagine. Thank you Lord for not giving up on your child. She is beautiful in your sight!

God is good--------------all the time! susan

Bald is NOT beautiful!

I have to say, today was one of the most traumatic days of my entire life. My hair has continued to fall out over the past few days and was beginning to be scary-never knew if I would have enough to comb. Anyway, my sweet hair stylist, Danette, and a I decided to go ahead and take the rest of it to stop the unknown. It was, I must say very emotional, but with her help I got through it and my bald head is way UGLY. My wig is really cute though, somewhat of a different style but still cute. Strange how we women are so tied up in our hair and self image-and no I'm not one of those that thinks it is the fault of the TV or Hollywood-just feel like it is a part of us that God put in us to care about what we look like. I must admit I have a bit too much vanity and I was a bit attached to my hair but I am sure I will get just as attached to this new me.

As my dear friend Becky McCraney said this morning you need to just get rid of it and mourn the loss of your hair and move on. Great philosophy-believe me I am mourning but, "This too shall pass." I know that in the days to come hair will be less of a priority and just my health will become more important. Hair is a small price to pay for getting rid of this invader inside of me that must be stopped. Chemo just kills everything in its path, good and bad-just hope it finds all the bad and I am sure that it will.

Start another round of chemo on Tuesday so I am prepared for the aftermath. I hopefully will be better prepared this time-I can do it! This is certainly one of those times when I can honestly say,"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". Ready to be strengthened Lord-You must carry me because I certainly feel weak and very vulnerable. What would I do without the Lord to call on in all times, trouble and good times! I'm calling Lord-hear me.

God is good-----------all the time! susan

Where oh where did that port wire go!

Got a call from Dr. Carr from the chest x-ray and I am definitely not broken (praise Jesus), but she still can't see the wire from the port clearly. Seems that thing goes over the clavicle bone and finds its way to a main artery. For some reason mine seems to be under the bone and she can't see it clearly. Wants me to have another chest x-ray on Monday before chemo on Tuesday. She did reassure me that she was sure mine was just a bit different but just didn't want the wire to be floating around (oh great). Just a precaution before chemo. Oh great, I say again-PLEASE LORD don't let me have to have surgery to straighten that thing out. I am trying to remain calm and not be alarmed. I, on the other hand, am having a hard time convincing myself to stay focused and know that I know God IS in control! Need some reassurance here Lord, I am loosing myself!

You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning. You turn my darkness into light. With Your help I can advance against a troop; with You, my God I can scale a wall!
As for You, my God, Your way is perfect, Your Word is flawless. You are a shield for all who take refuge in You (Ps. 18: 28-30). This wall seems to be growing, Lord, let me feel that shield.

God is good---------------all the time! susan

Step back! Bummer

I was doing so good and regaining all my faculties from the chemo ----then---------- last Friday, I took a tumble in the kitchen. My old kitchen stool I had washed dishes on forever decided to come apart and throw me to the tile floor and on the way down the leg of the stool reached out and grabbed me in the ribs and who knows where else. All I know is that I fell all over the kitchen. Really was just bruised up and got up and went about my day. Had a full day on Saturday and did normal Sunday activities. Monday I noticed swelling around my surgery area and a little more soreness. Woke up at 4am and was hurting around the rib area and of course concerned about the swelling. Called the doctor this morning and went in at 12:30, Dr. Carr thought I had bruised cartilage around the rib cage, no broken bones (thank you Jesus). She ordered a chest x-ray just to be sure the port was still wired correctly so we would have no problem next Tuesday to do chemo again. I am waiting on the readings from the x-rays but she anticipated no problem.

I'm not gonna lie, this morning was hard and I had an immediate pity party. Why now, why this? Answer is, now is never a good time but it is what it is and I will survive and go on with treatment and whatever comes thereafter. Sometimes I do want to quit and this morning was one of them, but it is way too early to feel like that, I will try to not go there again (I don't like that place).

Today is a beautiful day and God remains in control of the day and of me-I must not forget that lesson.

Lord, please help me to revere Your name. You have promised that, if I do, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings and that I will go out and leap like a calf released from the stall (Mal.4:2). Ready for leaping Lord, send me your healing and raise me with your wings!

God is good---------------all the time! susan

FINALLY A DAY I DON'T WANT TO HURL!

Well, I made it through the first treatment week of chemo. My middle child, Weslee, pointed out that I said I had 13 more treatments left and that was definitely wrong. What can I say except that I was on drugs. I meant 13 more weeks but really that was even wrong. Oh well, I am old, crippled, cancerous, and on drugs so I have all sorts of excuses for making a mistake. All I know is PRAISE GOD I MADE IT THROUGH THE FIRST WEEK! I can honestly tell you this is not for sissies because this week sucked to put it bluntly.

The effects of all the chemo began on Monday night and thank God for nausea meds or I have no doubt I would have thrown up continually for 3 solid days. It does keep you from throwing up but the nausea feeling never goes away. The headache stayed until Tuesday evening and finally subsided. Tuesday I went to work a half a day and was glad I had something to take my mind off the yukky feeling-again thank you Lord for understanding bosses who love me! I went and had a white blood cell booster shot on Wednesday morning and then went to lunch with some friends and didn't take my nausea medicine until 2:30 and that was a huge mistake that they had warned me about. I never really got that under control until I woke up on Thursday morning.

Thursday morning dawned better than the day before and I could go to work again and worked a little longer and went home to rest. Today I feel wonderful, like a human again. It is wonderful to be able to eat something without the thought of force feeding myself. There were moments this week that I could not put anything in my mouth and swallow because I just felt bad. This stuff really wipes you out and zaps every ounce of energy you even thought you had. They said it is straight poison and I must remember that-it will all be worth it when its over!

I still must remind myself to drink water and go to the bathroom-what a schedule-you'd think I was an old person.

I must prepare myself for when everything begins to progressively build in my system from one treatment to another, it may get worse, but "It's not eternal". One day I will look back and this will all be a blur-ready for that all ready.

Will hold to this scripture from my devotional this morning from John16:22-24. Now is my time of grief but I will see You again, and I will rejoice, and no one will take away my joy (not even chemo). In that day I will no longer ask You anything. I can ask and I will receive, and my joy will be complete.
Isaiah 58:14 I will find joy in You, my Lord. You will cause me to ride on the heights of the land and to feast on the inheritance You have given my spiritual forefathers.
Father I pray you never let me forget that joy you have given me deep within my soul. The joy I can reach down and pull up from the depths, even on days that I am thinking, why am I doing this. Thank you for the joy that is far above any understanding that we have as mere humans.

God is good-----------all the time! susan

AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! This is not fun

Started chemo yesterday and it turned into an all day process. Had to go for chemo training in the morning but that was really informative-learned a lot about what to expect. There was a lady in my class that was fretting about everything and kept saying "oh no, I don't like that" she finally said is there anything good about this and the precious little instructor said "No, not really". Really put things in perspective. Need to stay positive! and I will.

After blood work and a visit with the Dr., we finally got started. My port is a little further in than most peoples so the first needle she used was too short so she had to pull it out and use another one. Felt like someone put a tack in your chest, as Wes says, they did! I felt bad for her because she felt so bad since I was new at this. They are all so sweet and kind though, couldn't ask for better surroundings. Took about 2 hrs to get all of the medicine in.

The second drug they gave me she said would affect my sinuses, burning and headache, boy was that an understatement. Felt like a brain freeze but it never stopped. The nurse said next time they would slow the IV down so maybe it would not be so bad. Guess it's just a matter of adjustment each time. Gave me lots of nausea meds for home and believe me I am not trying to be brave and am taking all of them. Too many people have told me don't let it set in.

This morning was bad, had a hard time eating but drank Crystal Light and went to work. Felt better as the day went on. Came home about 2 and nausea set in again. I did manage to eat some supper though. They said I have to drink a gallon of water and go to the bathroom every 2 hours to flush out the poison. That's way different for me because I don't take time to go to the bathroom and don't drink very much water because of that. I am making an effort to mind though and believe it or not have done well today.

Today is Wes birthday. I feel bad since I haven't felt very good but as always he is so patient and kind. So concerned with my comfort. I do love him so much and appreciate him more and more as the days pass. I truly don't know what I would do without him. Thank you Lord-what a blessing!

Only have 13 more treatments to go. Not counting or anything-HA!

I only know, this too shall pass and this will all be a blur to me one of these days. I also know God gives us strength for the moment and I am calling on Him more and more as the moments pass. Thank you Lord for carrying me-I feel you stronger everyday.

God is good-----------------all the time! susan

I GOT BOOBS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Went today and got fitted for prosthetics which is just a fancy word for fake bosoms. Finally feel like my clothes hang right and I even hold myself up straighter. Weird how the body gets so used to something that when you take it away your whole posture changes. Anyway it is good to look somewhat normal again. Love it.

Yesterday was crazy getting the ecocardiogram at the hospital. I just know one thing, I am so glad I did not have surgery it that hospital cause things are so crazy with all of the construction. First we went to the wrong side of the hospital and had to find our way to the front. Waited in line to get to the valet parking and the lady informed us she could not park our car because the inspection sticker was out of date (way to go hubby, he has been a little busy though). Of course being the kept woman that I am, I had no idea that that was the case. Anyway we proceded to the parking lot across from the hospital and tried to find a parking place in the tiny spaces provided. Found one, got the wheelchair out of the car and began to off road toward the hospital. The curb cuts were from Bible times and are crumbling and the cracks in the sidewalk and road are big enough to fall into. Melissia was afraid she was going to dump me in the road (I was too), so she was scared and of course we got tickled and began to laugh in our fear of an accident. A sweet man waiting at the bus stop yelled "wait lady and let me help you, you are scareing me". Anyway he took me across the street and we proceded up a long ramp into the hospital. We finally found the temporary admissions desk and the lady handed us one of those vibrater things like they have in restaurants and said I will get to you "shortly". Went to find a place to sit since there is no waiting room in all the construction and found two empty chairs by the window and as Melissia began to sit down this janitor man rolled up his cart and while Melissia's hand was on the chair he picked it up and said these chairs don't belong here and proceded to take both of them and put them on his cart and roll off as he muttered "I wonder who left those there". We of course got histerical because that was the funniest thing ever and finally found chairs in the snack area. So far this had been a trip fit for America's Funniest Videos. Finally our vibrater rattled and I had to fill out tons of paper work to be admitted to the hospital. They finally came for me and we were taken up to the fourth floor to the cardiac unit, where we were placed in a room, handed a gown and said wait for the eco man. He came in and explained the procedure and put that cold slimy gook on my bosoms that weren't there and did a sonogram of my heart. When he got to the bottom and had to move the towel he had over me, he slung it up to get under it and it hit me right in the face, towel. slimy gook and all. Now I have slime all over my face and am trying with everything in me not to roll off the bed with laughter. The eco took all of 10 min. after 1 hr. and 15 min. wait to get in. We proceeded out of that crazy hospital and off roaded back to the parking lot passed the lady who wouldn't park our car and stood there eating her T n T donuts in the shade. What a trip. I had my surgery in the best hospital in Dallas and was glad it was not in good ol' Midland Memorial Hospital. Sure made for a good story and a great day of laughter!

Meanwhile I prepare for Chemo to start at 1:00 Monday afternoon after my blood work and some training. I will be so glad when that first treatment is behind so I can at least quit speculating what it will be like. I do know though that every treatment might be different, I am just ready to get it over with and be somewhat normal again.

After all that, I leave you with these precious words of Isaiah:
Lord God, I revel in Your promise that You will go before me and make the rough places smooth; You will shatter the doors of bronze and cut through their iron bars.
And You will give me the treasures of darkness, the hidden wealth of secret places, in order that I may know that it is You, the Lord, the God of Israel, who calls me by my name. (Isa.43:2-3)
My Lord, You are a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know Your name will trust in You, for You, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you (Ps. 9:9-10). Lord go forth with me and hold my hand, I know you call me by name, I hear you!

God is good--------------all the time! susan

Let's roll

Today was the day to see the oncologist, Dr. Carr. She was great and was so helpful with good information. Best of all she is as anxious to get this started as I am (maybe not as anxious but she is ready to roll).
I will have an ecocardiogram on Friday just as a precaution. Apparently the first round of chemo can have adverse effect on the heart sometimes but only in a very small number of patients. She just wants to get a base line and be sure the old ticker is normal. Shouldn't be any problem.
Then on Monday morning I have chemo class to learn everything they will do and where everything is. Then at 1:00 in the afternoon I will have my first treatment.
I am just glad we are getting everything moving so we can be done with it. Also the unknown is always scarier than what actually happens and I need peace in that area.
I am calling on God's "peace like a river" to cover me and I am confident He will. He has never failed me in the past and I am confident that He will not this time. He always delivers us in whatever storms He chooses to let us pass through. I am ready to be delivered to the other side and see what is over on the other side of this mountain.
I choose to face this with every ounce of energy and strength that God has given me and I pray that that strength will increase with every bump in the road.
So, on goes the journey, bumps and all. I pray for the roads to be straightened, Lord. This time you may have to carry me!
God is good-------------all the time! susan

Up jumped the Devil!

Yesterday seemed to be one of those days when Satan gave me his undivided attention as I was so weepy and I guess self absorbed even though I fought it all day. I was glad to see bed time and knew that today would be a new day. Today is a new day and a beautiful one it is, glorious sunshine even though it is as hot as heck but it is still glorious. Isn't it wonderful how you can have a bad day and just know that you can start all over tomorrow and not have to feel guilty or look back, just enjoy the day that the Lord has made. Praises for that!

Was so good to see everyone at church yesterday and even when I am weepy all my friends love me still, just like Jesus does. Pray that I can always remember that when other people need my love even when they are not particularly lovely to be around, as I am sure I wasn't, I will graciously give it to them. I am a little short on mercy for others, maybe God has that lesson for me as well as a few hundred more I am beginning to realize. I guess I am a slow learner seems some things He must teach me over and over. I pray for a bigger brain and I will pay closer attention this time.

Have to share this scripture as it really spoke to me on this journey;
Father I joyfully celebrate the fact that one day, at the time of Your appearing, You will make my enemy like a fiery furnace. In Your wrath You will swallow him up, and Your fire will consume him. (Ps.21:9)
Lord God, I will shout for joy when You make me victorious, and I will lift up a banner in the name of my God! Please, Lord, grant those requests. (Ps. 20:5)

This is my prayer-victory in Jesus!

God is good-----------all the time! susan

Aw sweet memories were made!

What a fabulous week we had with each other. It is such a joy to be with out children and their families and share days together. Then reality sets in and we have to come home to normal life and worst of all they have to go home. Such sweet times we had and those memories will be forever photos in my mind and I will recall them many times over the next few weeks. It is so hard as parents to let them go back to their families and homes after having them for a few days. I always shed tears and have a hard time during the following days and miss them terribly. Makes my heart hurt and I still hear Shiloh every morning coming down the hall saying "PopPop and SueSue"-she is a delight and we all just love her!!!!!!!!!!!
I came home to many more cards in our mail from people wishing me well and good health in the months to come. How sweet to know that so many are praying daily and interceding on my behalf. Cards from people I don't even know that have heard about me from mutual friends. This has certainly made me realize that I should do more when people are going through trials. So often I think good thoughts and pray for them but fail to carry through with a card or phone call when I should. I will certainly be better in the future because people need to know that they are being thought of. I am so blessed as I have said so many times before-God's grace is so good to us and I am thankful!
I am healing so well, this past week I can certainly see my strength returning. Now at home I can bend over, do wash, and reach up with little or no pain. Praises-feels so good to be able to do wash, cook, and pick up things from off the floor. We forget about the little things of life and how important it is to be able to do them for ourselves. I am so thankful to be able to do for myself again-but also so thankful for the many people here in Midland who helped me when I couldn't and never made me feel like an invalid, but like I had given them the opportunity to serve for the Lord. Sometimes we forget that the Lord calls us to let people serve us-a hard lesson learned but He has so graciously taught me to receive that service and be grateful. Isn't it great to be a child of God and know that He loves us through others!
I now will put up the last of the clothes from our trip and be so grateful that my family belongs to God and that He gave us a beautiful week together.
The journey continues next week as I look forward to the oncology visit-God continues to carry me through.
God is good-----------all the time! susan

Heavens declare You are glorious

This place is incredible. Living in Midland we often forget about beautiful trees and miles and miles of hills and mountains. We are having a wonderful time, just being with family and enjoying each other.

I am in this beautiful home in the mountains in Ruidoso, NM looking out the window into beautiful trees and it is a slow drizzle and soft thunder. Of course we just had a round with the boys as they were determined to go mountain bike riding and it is storming. A crack of lightening hit at the same time the thunder and they all came running back in the house. Thanks God, You spoke at just the right time-they weren't listening to me. I had even told them that if they went I would be stressed the whole time and stress makes cancer grow faster and they would be killing me! Didn't work----hate to pull that card but nothing else was working. Sometimes men can be so dumb! Enough about that.

Sitting out on this porch for hours on end has given so much time for contemplating God in all His glory. So many songs have passed through my head and thoughts of thankfulness for healing over the past few weeks.

Psalm 46 1 God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. 2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea 3 though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. 4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. 5 God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day.6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; he lifts his voice, the earth melts. 7 The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. 8 Come and see the works of the LORD, the desolation's he has brought on the earth. 9 He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth; he breaks the bow and shatters the spear, he burns the shields with fire.10 "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."11 The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. 


If God can do all of this for His earth, just think what He can do for us the pride of His creation. I am confident of His protection from now until the end of this journey. I have an appointment with the oncologist on Aug. 4, hopefully we can move along on this. Look forward with anticipation to next steps.

God is good----------all the time! susan 


Peace like a Pond? NO Peace like a River!

Going to Ruidoso tomorrow with all the family for a week. We are all so ready for some down time just to enjoy God's creation and some of that cool mountain air. I will be able to blog though so I can tell you what God shows me daily in this journey. I am feeling great and everyday I have just a little more strength and the incisions seem to be looser so I don't feel like they will come apart if I lift my arms (believe me that's a praise).

Had a great devotional this morning. Beth Moore gave the analogy that God did not say He would give us peace like a pond, but a river. I thought about this and what a fresh word that truely is. We are not to be ponds, stagnent and going nowhere, just growing moss and smelling stinky. We are called to be rivers of rushing fresh water sharing that water of life wherever we go. Our lives are to be like that! I dwelled on that river for a while and what a peace that is for us to know that no matter how many boulders, rocks, pebbles or dams are presented to us as we go through the river of life, our God never ceases to give us peace as we go around, through and over those obstacles that are placed in our lives. This journey I am on is just a boulder in my river of life and it will not stop me---may slow me down ,but I refuse to be stopped in midstream and become a stagnent, smelly pond! BRING IT ON-I'm ready to be peaceful no matter what is put in my path. Lord, I come to you in prayer, and I ask You now to let your peace, God, which transforms all understanding guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus (Phil. 4:7)
God is good--------all the time! susan

Calmness in the midst of this storm

Home from Dallas and a great report from the surgeon. She released me and I don't have to go back until after chemo so I can have the port removed. Everything looked good and the incisions are healing as they should. Had some sweet time with our baby boy just hanging-God has so blessed us with great visits during all this chaos. We so missed our Weslee, Zach and baby Shiloh as they were away for a wedding at Zach's folks home. So miss those children, wished we lived closer. Times with all of the children are so special-even more so now!

Still waiting on records from Dallas and an appointment here with the oncologist. Trying to get through all the wonderful government regulations on releasing of records is the pits-I should have hand carried everything from Dallas. Will certainly know better next time (pray there won't be that opportunity).
My merciful Father, I claim and choose to believe Your Word that says that though You bring grief, You will show compassion, so great is Your unfailing love. You do not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men. (Lam.3:31-33)
You have not left me as an orphan. You came to me. Even though the world does not see you any more I can see You through the work of Your Holy Spirit. Because You live, I also live. Help me to realize that You, Jesus are in Your Father, and I am in You, and You are in me. (John 14:15-20)

I do feel the Lord so much stronger these days as I find myself wondering what the days of chemo will bring. I want to go into them stronger than I have ever been before, because I have a beautiful family to watch grow. I look forward to walking with Wes through the many fun times ahead and the blessing of being able to share our children's lives. My daily prayer will be for God to allow me that blessing.
...Lord you favor lasts a lifetime: weeping may remain for a night, but how I thank You that rejoicing comes in the morning (Ps. 30:5). Thank you Lord that all looks better in the morning!
God is good----------------all the time! susan

Patience my child, patience

Sometimes people just don't move as fast as I want them to. Yes, my family tells me I am bossy and I know I am and I try to be not so pushy but sometimes we just need things done NOW!
I am still trying to get an appointment with Dr. Carr the Midland oncologist and finally got through to a person rather than a machine. Had to go down to the Allison Cancer Center and sign release papers so they could get records from the doctor in Dallas. Sure am glad I'm not at deaths door cause nothing happens fast. They were very nice though and said they would get right on it. Yes, I was polite and didn't scream or cause a scene because I want them to be nice to me when I have to come in for treatment. This whole thing is teaching me more patience and not everything runs on my time table. Do you think maybe God had that lesson in mind for me? Don't answer that, I KNOW!
Melissia is in the living room doing my ironing, I have a feeling this is going to be one of those "teachable moments." Last week Weslee did it and it was as well. Not bad though, I am just afraid they won't offer again as I am just a little picky about how things look. This young generation doesn't iron as much as us old timers do, so they don't know it takes a little extra time. No complaining out of either girl though-I am so blessed with wonderful children.
My desire is that all of these blessings will be turned back to others in time. I want to be obedient in that so that every blessing can be turned back to praise, just as the song says.
"Though they have been going through much trouble and hard times, their wonderful joy and deep poverty have overflowed in rich generosity." 2 Cor. 8:2. No we are not poverty stricken yet, although some of these bills make us feel as such! Thank you Lord for good insurance and for a great Christian place for my husband to be employed so that needs can be met.
Lord, may we overflow with rich generosity toward others from the blessings you so richly bestow on us.
God is good-----------all the time! susan

Bodacioius hair, Bosoms, and Bunches of well wishers

This day was so full of fun and facing some of what will be coming up in the near future. Melissia and I went to Odessa to visit the wig shop, (those of you who know me well realize this was a huge step for me). I did get through it without tears until we got to the car and then they were minimal. Saw some really cute wigs and got ideas. The shop had the bosoms I will purchase when I get all healed up and I learned alot. Didn't know it was so involved to replace those buggers. Seems they come in all weights and sizes and they even have custom fit ones that are sculpted to your body size. What decisions, good I can take my time. We met so many nice people who have been where I am. I must admit it was a little weird being in a shop at the Music City Mall with people passing by looking in as you held fake boobs in your hands trying to see what would be the best. A little more privacy would be more desirable! Might try another shop next time.
So many people came by our house and my sweet hubby got to visit with them as I was not home. I am soooooo sorry I missed them and look forward to seeing them again soon. I must stick closer to home on the weekend.
As always I look forward to tomorrow and church and seeing everyone and having a day just for Jesus. I have so much to be thankful for on this journey-I must praise Him day by day!
God is good---------------all the time! susan

I love home, ESPECIALLY WITHOUT DRAINS!

It is so good to be home even though I was only gone one night. Wes is home and in place and all is well!
Praise God the drains are out and the thought of pulling them out was 100 times worse than the actual process. I have to go back next week just to let surgeon look at incisions and be sure they are healing nicely. Wes and I will fly up and back in one day (such jet setters we are), thank you to my bosses at Merle Norman for the airline tickets.
The appointment with the oncologist went great, so much information. Melissia recorded so we could remember everything she had to say. All the pathology reports were good and all my counts were right as they should be. Good decision to do a bi-lateral mastectomy because the cancer was very fast growing and all the biopsies were full of actively growing abnormal cells and that usually means it comes back in close places. Because of the fast growing type she is recommending chemo which we will probably start around the first of August after the surgery places are healed. I will have 4 rounds of one kind of medication and 4 rounds of another. They will be given every 2 weeks, hopefully will be done around Christmas. Not a surprise and actually a relief because I want to have all this gone and as much prevention as possible for a recurrence. I have begun to prepare myself for hair loss, that will definitely be difficult for me but I know it is not eternal and God and I together will get through it! Just part of the journey.
The Psalms speak to me once again...."You give me Your shield of victory: Your right hand sustains me; You stoop down to make me great. You broaden the path beneath me, so that my ankles do not turn.........Arm me with strength for the battle; make my adversary bow at my feet. Make my enemy turn back in flight. Thank you, God! One day You will utterly destroy my foe!" (Ps. 18:35-36, 39-40).
I SO look forward to that day of victory!
God is good-------------all the time! susan

"On the Road Again"

Once again packing for Dallas and trying to remember every little detail. The girls and I will be leaving in the morning to go to Dallas. Wes flew out this morning on a overnight business trip to South Carolina and we will meet him in Dallas tomorrow evening. Pray for us "girls" as we set out in this old world alone. Weird not having my best guy with me but the girls assure me we are "big girls" and can do this!
Drains (ah the wonderful drains) seem to be doing good-not draining much but still they let me know they are still a part of me. Hopefully "drains be gone" on Thursday. I must say I WILL NOT miss them one bit. Seem to be having phantom pains in my breast that is no longer there-feels so weird but I am sure that is normal. I am sure my body is still in shock to loose parts. Everything seems to be healing well and looking good. We shall see.
Still so many wonderful blessings from people each day. Today a special surprise, a bright red prayer blanket crocheted by some wonderful ladies in the Dallas area. How thoughtful from people I don't even know. God is so full of surprises each day-surprises that lift spirits and assure us from being overcome by the waves of this ol' life.
Each day I am reminded of David in the Psalms as he poured out his fears, sorrows, joys and hopes to the Lord and we can be assured of the hope in the end.
Ps 43:2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they will not overcome you: when you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; neither will the flame overtake you. Fear not for I AM WITH YOU!
Thank you Lord I feel your presence.
God is good----------all the time! susan

Thank God for Sundays!

What a great day at Crestview! So good to be back where I belong-such a welcome, seems like I have been out forever. It was really only one Sunday but feels like a month. I am so glad that God made Sundays, kinda puts the whole week in perspective and lines everything up for the week ahead.
I look forward to Wednesday, heading back to Dallas for post-op and find out what the plan is.
Even when our future is uncertain isn't it comforting to know that God is already there making plans for us and straightening the paths that we will travel. Nothing ever is a surprise to Him and He has known for years what we will face. Praise Him that He provides the eagles wings for us to be carried on so that we don't have to worry about what the future brings.
Love the verse Isaiah 40:31 "But those who wait upon the Lord shall find new strength, they will fly on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary they will walk and not grow faint."
I'm waiting in anticipation to see where this journey takes me. So comforting to know God is with me, and a whole bunch of family and friends. Won't you join me?
God is good----------all the time! susan

Some days just make you want to cuss!

No, I didn't say bad words but as I woke up this morning I had thoughts of cursing everyone and everything. I just had to take a moment to tell the Lord that today was tough and that Satan was messin' with me and I needed some serious help. No prayer goes unanswered but we do have to get out of the way and let that answer come through. I'll have to admit I stood my ground most of the day and chose to be a grump.
My children insisted we go see Toy Story III and I went because I knew that was best but was not a happy camper (especially with doctor bills looming and the cost of movies RIDICULOUS)
The movie was great and of course it made me miss my "little" boy in Dallas. So hard to send them on their way as they grow up. I still believe in communes where all families stay together on the home land. We came home to lots of company and wonderful food and friends.
This day has ended in an amazing display of love from so many. One of my dear friends, Natalie, came over with homemade chicken spaghetti and a great verse that she said God gave to her just for me on this very day. Ps.10-17 "You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted, you encourage them, and you listen to their cry." Through Natalie, God answered me and encouraged me to not allow Satan to have the victory for today. You WILL NOT have this victory Satan-this day belongs to my Jesus and is to be met with victory and praise for what He has done for me and what He will continue to do for me and through me.
Praise to Jesus who sent exactly who He wanted me to be visited by today. From sweet Randy who came with roses and a precious card to Mike with the lasagna, Brittany with the cookies, JoAnn with the ice cream, to Alta Lynn and our sweet Br. John. The Lord knew who I needed in my life on this day as I struggled with myself. Thank you friends and especially my sweet family as they continue to stand by me step by step through this journey.
Tomorrow is a new day and I shall meet it with a renewed spirit and an outlook of thankfulness. Tomorrow I get to attend my beloved Crestview and praise my sweet Jesus-Sundays are the best day of all.
God is good-----------all the time! susan

Darn Drains

Well here we go with the drain saga again. Can't help but compare it with obsessions with BM's-how is that you say-well when we are new Moms you are always concerned with babies having a good poop at least once a day, then when we have surgery that is always a concern, and of course with age you always want to do that at least once a day. Well now with surgery and drains, to keep the liquid from collecting, you want it to come out but then they put this number for you to get down to, 30cc, before they take these things out, I AM NOT THERE, darn and darn again. Called surgeon this morning and told them my numbers and they said they will not be there by Monday so had to move my appointments to Thurs. Not wonderful news but, as I try to always say------it's not eternal! I will reach that 30cc and can once again not have tubing coming out of my sides and emptying of the bulbs as a twice a day ritual. Small price to pay for them getting rid of the "invader within". I WILL praise God for the drains, by golly!
I am reminded again that Jesus answers our prayers with a "wait on my timing"-this is His wait time and I know those are the times that turn out to be sweetest with Him. More time to focus on Him and what blessings He has poured on me during this journey. So many each day and fresh each morning as I face another day. His love has truly been lavished (I love that word because it sounds just like what it is) on me and my family. I thank Him for friends, family, the world and all that is so beautiful and sweet in it. Most of all for His Son He sent to give us freedom-the freedom to be His eternally.
"His word is new every morning". Thank you Lord for your word and all the promises that you remind us of daily!
God is good----------all the time! susan

Yea God!

This morning my devotional from Beth Moore devo book was so right on, I needed to hear it. Wanted to share.
Help me to call this to mind and therefore always have hope because of Your great love. I am not consumed, for Your compassion's never fail. They are new toward me every morning, great is Your faithfulness. I will say to myself. "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him" (Lam 3: 22-24)
I will be glad and rejoice in Your love. O God, for You saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul. You have noit handed me over to the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place (Ps. 31: 7-8). Hallelujah!
You eternal God are my refuge and underneath are Your everlasting arms. You will draw out my enemy before me saying. "Destroy him" (Deut.33:27) Amen and Amen
My diagnostic reports came back as expected. No cancer in either lymph taken and the tumor was contained! No surprises said the surgeon. I go back Monday for post-op visit and we go from there.
What a mighty God we serve!
God is good----------all the time! susan

Pain of the drain

Recovery has been smooth but I'm just sayin' these drains are a pain in the you know what! It is just so weird having some tubbing hanging out of you sides all the time. We empty them twice a day and I am praying for the 30cc of liquid to get to that number now rather than later. I realize this is very petty considering why they are there but I long to be able to sleep on my side and not have the rubber hoses pinch in the night. That will come later though and this is all part of the process.
My sweet daughters have been so helpful and are working so hard so that I don't have to. They see to it that I have not had to lift a finger to do anything. Such a beautiful thing to see how they have become women and have such servants hearts-thank you Jesus for that blessing!
This morning as I took a shower my sweet grandbaby, Shiloh got in with me and as I soaped up this old fat body I could feel her picking up water and rubbing it on my back. So sweet, already learning to help others! She is such a sweety and has been such a joy to be around. Love that baby!
Today is the day that the Lord has made and I WILL rejoice and be glad in it, drains and all.
Thank you Lord for the drains so that all the fluid can run off and no one has to suck it out everyday. I am still amazed at modern technology and how God has taught us humans to hurry along His perfect healing.
God is good-------------all the time! susan

Have I told you how great my bed feels?

Finally home with my two daughters and sweet Shiloh and of course the most wonderful husband on the planet.
It is so nice to have all things familiar again. Things aren't so difficult to do and everything is where it belongs.
Thanks to the Crestview ladies that met us with a great meal, beautiful flowers, encouraging posters and sweet smiles on their faces. Friends are the best gift that God has ever given His children!
Takes forever to get ready in the morning and my sweet girls are getting an education in taking care of old naked women before it is their time but they have so stepped up to the plate and have helped. Makes it so Wes can get some work time in and I know that will cut down on his stress level a great deal.
The scars look great and my drains are doing their job. I hope they can be taken out on time as it makes for difficulty in finding clothes to put on. Certainly they don't make you look like a fashionista. Weslee has put them in Brighton bags to hang on my clothes and that made a world of difference. Thank you Brighton-I knew those things would come in handy someday.
I still marvel at the new world of medicine how they can reroute the human body to do things more quickly. Who would have thought I could be up and around in such a short time. It's hard not to do things as I am feeling good-I must mind though because I sure don't want to back up.
God is certainly teaching me, again, to let people help me! I have a feeling I will learn this lesson over and over in the next few months. I am so blessed, I can't say that enough.
He is so lavishing His love on me over and over through friends, family and just being alive and able to praise Him.
God is good-----------all the time! susan

Celebrate!

We were released from the hospital today before noon.Took several trips to leave the hospital because of all the beautiful flowers and accumlation of precious well wishes and gifts that were sent.
We traveled to Grapevine and checked into the Hyatt to rest up for the trip home tomorrow. All the family came to the hotel so we could watch the Grapevine fireworks. God provided a great room where we had a window that pointed straight to the Grapevine lake and we could see the fireworks right from our room. It was like a gift to watch the celebration right out our window with all of the kids. Shiloh loved it and jabbered continually until they were over. She kept saying WOW WOW WOW, loved them! We are so blessed to live in this free country where we can all celebrate that freedom and praise God for it. Marshall is right, sometimes it almost makes you feel guilty as you realize that many in our world do not have that. We must always remember and never let that freedom be compromised.
Tomorrow a new life style will begin at the house in Midland as I need to remember to do what the drs. said so that I can recover satisfactorily and quickly. Need to come back in about 1 1/2 weeks to get the drains out and meet again with the surgeon and the oncologist. Diagnostics should be back on Wednesday. Should look good-no doubt God was in that operating room.
So many nurses that cared for me said that they felt God's prescence in our family and my prayer is that that feeling would continue as we come in contact with more and more people on this journey. That, as always is my prayer, that God may be glorified as we travel this road.
I don't know what I will face in the coming days but I do know that my God will go before me and carry me through with strength and courage and the glory shall go to Him!
His power has surely been apparent in these past few days of weakness-praise you Jesus.
God is good-------------all the time! susan

Go God, Go

Today continued to be a day of tremendous improvement and marvel of how God can take you from shear panic to being awestruck.
The morphine drip was taken out because I didn't need it and they took the fluid IV out so my feet have began to go down finally. They looked like balloons and I was having trouble getting my brace on. I finally got it on and my foot has been much better, the fluid has begun to go away and of course I have numerous trips to the bathroom but I am thankful to be able to go on my own.
Thanks to a wonderful nurse, Debra, we learned how to change dressings, drains, and all about where the scars are and how great they look already. Dr. Brian is an incredible surgeon and certainly has this surgery down to an art. I thank God for leading us to her!
We got to all spend the day together as a family and I am sure this hospital will welcome our departure as we have all been piled in this room and laughing and just enjoying each other all day. There are flowers all over and it smells wonderful. The kids have all gone home now and it is so quiet once again. Just my wonderful husband and myself. We are so blessed with such wonderful children, they have all been so loving and helpful and enjoyed each other. It has been a truely special time for all of us to come together. Thank you Lord for the added blessing.
It is so sweet to hear from the nurses that we have a beautiful family and how they are delightful kids. I guess in our young unknowing way, Wes and I allowed God to help us raise these children. What a delight it has been to see what God has done and continues to do with them. I welcome many years to come as we watch them grow in the Lord and glorify Him with their lives.
The doctor and nurses say tomorrow we can get up shower, get dressed, and can leave the hospital and begin our second part of this journey. One night in a hotel across the street from the hospital and then back to Midland to recouperate and see friends and enjoy life with a new perspective.
We all enjoyed the fire works across from the hospital tonight and as I watched they seemed brighter than any other fourth of July. Sweet Shiloh loved them and I loved watching her squeal and clap as she watched. Funny how this invader has shed a whole new light on my life. Things are much sweeter and more precious than ever. I praise you Father for letting me enjoy this life with a whole new outlook. What a beautiful world this is and I am loving life.
God is good--------------all the time! susan