Merry Christmas has a whole new meaning

Hey friends, what a whirlwind the past few weeks have been. Since returning home from Dallas it has been such a wonderful, time reuniting with friends and getting ready for Christmas and the celebrations that come with that time of the year.

Still enjoying my newly redecorated house and of course the beautiful Christmas decorations that were done by my dear friends from Ms Cayce's. I find myself just sitting and taking it all in over and over again and I see something new every time!

Dr. Carr has urged me to stay in as much as possible until the middle of January. With transplants the first three months are crucial and rejection is possible anytime. They described my immune system as being "infant" and I can get sick very easily. I had only been homes five days when I got a cold and that made a believer of me. I realized I am not invincible and must give myself time to recover. You would think I had learned that already but obviously I forget easily. I came back thinking I would have all the energy in the world and be able to take up where I left off and I learned very quickly my endurance is short and my limbs are weak. They say that it will take up to a year to build myself back again and as you know my patience is on a short fuse. I have done a lot of talking to myself lately and not expected so much and tried to listen to my body as it continues to heal itself. Definitely a lot of help from the Lord as I pray He will show me what I can and cannot do.

My days at home have been filled with getting ready for my kids to come home for Christmas. I have burnt up cyber space ordering gifts and as they come in getting them wrapped. Friends have been able to come in periodically and visit and that has been so fun. I so miss being around people and being able to see friends at work and at church. I must say the middle of January can't come soon enough.

Wes and I are so excited about our new grand babies that are coming soon. Melissia is due around the first week of January and we are so ready to welcome our Sebastian Outlaw into the family. Then in early March Weslee will be ready to have our new little Zela Lynn into the family and we will be holding babies all the time! WOOHOO! Then of course we continue to enjoy our Shiloh Celeste as we watch her grow and learn. What a joy it is to hear her sing about Jesus in her sweet voice. Grand babies are so fun!

This Christmas is so special. Seems when you have a year with leukemia and have a stem cell transplant you realize that you may not have been around for Christmas if someone had not shared part of their life with you. I so appreciate that young man and all the doctors and nurses who gave of themselves so that I could be here to celebrate the birth of our Savior.

I look so forward to having all of my family home and in one spot for a part of the holidays. We are so blessed to have such wonderful children and doubly blessed to be able to share with them this season. The smells of the holidays are sweeter, the lights brighter, the music more beautiful and of course the meaning of the holidays is deeper than ever before. As we read the Christmas story this year with the family, I know it will not be just words but a deeper promise for a sweeter walk with our Jesus this coming year. I look forward to a brighter 2012 and a chance to give back to all who gave to us this past year. I can never express how truly blessed we have been!

As I reflect back over the past year, I marvel at how far God has brought me and what He has taught me through this journey. Amazing-I am not who I was and He still isn't through.

As always God's word speaks to me and can say what I feel---"The Lord will do (has done) great things for me, and I will be filled with joy. I will sow in tears, then I will reap with songs of joy. If I go out weeping, Lord, carrying seed to sow, I will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with me." (Ps. 126:3, 5-6) I pray I have sown seeds along the way of this journey and others have seen Jesus along the way. I pray for joy to remain in my heart regardless of what lies ahead.

Beth Moore has prayed and I pray that as well-"Please help me be willing to sow the seed of Your Word and to water it with my tears, believing You, in the midst of my pain. If I do, You will be faithful to fill me with joy again. You will faithfully bring a harvest forth from my life. My suffering will not be in vain."

"You, the God of all grace, who called me to Your eternal glory in Christ will restore me and make me strong, firm, and steadfast after I have suffered a little while" (1 Pet. 5:10). Lord, I pray the suffering is over for a while and I can serve you with my whole heart.

Merry Christmas-enjoy every second of it!!!

God is good--------all the time

So Much to be Thankful for!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What a day it will be---Thanksgiving this year will be filled with so much to be thankful for. The last few weeks have been filled with blessings from my Jesus and just the fact I am here to celebrate is enough. On top of that I am feeling great and improving everyday and get to be with my brother and his family. Two months ago I would have never dreamed I would be able to even enjoy being alive and aware of all the undeserved blessings.

My girls are both with their in-laws but that is okay because we get to have them for Christmas. Woohoo. What a Christmas that will be since we have TWO grandbabies on the way. Sabastian Outlaw will be born to Melissia and Josh in January and Zeela Lynn will be born to Weslee and Zach in March. Can you even imagine what next Christmas will be like. Of course this Christmas will be filled with "princess" surprises for our precious Shiloh. Can't wait!!!!!!!!!

Our Marshall will be with us for Thanksgiving and we are so thankful for that. We will leave for Tyler earlier in the morning. Then let the praising begin!

I had a doctor visit on this past Monday and everything looked great still. I don't have to go back until next Monday and then Dr. Berryman said if all is well, home to Midland! So excited to return to family and friends, and especially to my own home. Somehow thought this day would never come. It seems so long ago since I left and of course we have been through so much since then. The worst of the transplant is over and now we just watch for rejection or infection. We are praying God will protect from those so that all goes well. I see Dr. Berryman the following Thursday as he will come for clinical visits that day. That in itself is a blessing that was set up before I even needed it. Isn't God great!

Thanksgiving takes on a whole new meaning in my life now. It's not just a sweet little holiday tucked between Halloween and Christmas but one to truly give thanks for what God has handed me and us as a family. Praises I am here for the holiday, out of the hospital, not nauseated, eating and not hooked up to an IV. Most of all I am in remission with no signs of leukemia or any other kind of cancer. Six months ago the future looked bleak with little hope of that. What a journey it has been, not all wonderful but what God has done with it has been another miracle in my life. I find it hard to even put into words what I am feeling but I can say that life is so much sweeter, the days are brighter, the nights calmer, the wind feels good on my skin, my family is more special, my husband I love even more and above all my God is greater! Praise Him for the journey and all the blessings it brought.

O God, help me always to be thankful that I am loved by You, because from the beginning You chose me to be saved through the sanctifying work of the Spirit and through belief in the truth (2 Thess. 2:13)
You, O Lord, love me with an everlasting love; You have drawn me with loving kindness. You will build me up again and I will be rebuilt. I will take up my tambourine and go out to dance with the joyful! (Jer. 31:3-4)

Lord, I am so ready to pick up that tambourine and dance with joy. I couldn't be more joyful and that makes the holidays more special than ever! Thank You, thank You for the chance to dance once again. I pray that I never miss that dance. Amen

God is good-----------all the time!

Praises for the Miracle

Yesterday the visit to the doctor was such wonderful news that I have waited to hear since the beginning of this journey---"total remission and no signs of cancer". Dr. Barryman was so excited to bring me the news and those words were more beautiful than any I had heard for so long. Of course, if you know me you won't be surprised, I totally fell apart because I was so happy. We all hugged including the doctor, he is so wonderful about being involved with his patience and for that I am so grateful. I just said praise Jesus and so did Dr. Barryman. During this whole process he has been so wonderful to be up front with his faith and give God the credit for each milestone of the transplant.
I go back to the clinic on Friday and if all is well we will go to my brothers home in Tyler for Thanksgiving then back here to clinic on Monday and if all is the same home to Midland. I can't tell you how excited I am to be back home with family and friends in familiar surroundings. Celebrating the holiday season this year will be a little more special and so sweet. Praise you Jesus for bringing us through this!
These verses tell you how I feel about being at the end of this part of my journey.
Ps 66:8-10 Praise You, my God! Let the sound of Your praise be heard. You have preserved my life and kept my feet from slipping. For You, O God, tested me; You refined me like silver.
Jer. 31:3-4 You, O Lord, love me with an everlasting love; You have drawn me with loving kindness. You will build me up again and I will be rebuilt. I will take up my tambourine and go out to dance with the joyful!
Finally in Ps. 31:7-8 I will be glad ad rejoice in Your love, O God, for You saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul. You have not handed me over to the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place. Hallelujah! Praise you my sweet Jesus!

God is good-----all the time!

Day 32-woohoo

Yes it has been so long since I have been on line and so much has happened since then. Good days now but I went through many that were the worst of my life I must admit Many days of nausea that were uncontrollable and mouth sores that I swore would never go away and that were from my mouth through my body and out the bottom. diarrhea that seemed never ending and food was my worst enemy ever. I think I went for about 6 weeks without food and they finally put me on IV nutrition which made my blood sugar go up and I had to have insulin shots. Other medicine made my blood pressure elevate and I had to have a patch. Finally found a medication to control nausea that gave me unbelievable nightmares that were very disturbing but did keep me from throwing up. Don't quiet know how you can throw up when you don't eat but you can and its not fun believe me! Finally things began to turn around ever so slightly a bit at a time. On October 27 they allowed me to move into the apartment by the hospital. Without any IVs, controlled nausea, mouth sores were somewhat better, diarrhea at least I could get a little ways from the bathroom, still not eating but drinking hot tea and of all things Sprite (which I never liked before), no high blood sugar, no high blood pressure and no pain medicine. I was so ready to see the outside of a hospital and not have to be poked every two hours. I know Wes was ready to go because he had slept on a plastic couch every night since the beginning.

The apartment is wonderful. Quiet roomy and set up with everything you would need. Everyday seems to get better. Is thought the digestion problems and eating would never improve but it slowly has. I can eat a little now and some foods actually taste good. I don't have to use as much medicine for the gut as before and it will eventually get better I am sure.

I began by having to go into the clinic everyday for fluids and then just on Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays. The clinic is just about 5 minutes from the apartment and on nice days we walk and of course I ride my trusty scooter. Wes has been able to go back to Midland and work. He leaves on Monday evenings and returns on Friday mornings early so we have long weekends together, I do cherish those days. On the days he is in Midland I have had dear friends who have come and stayed with me. Thanks so much to Charlotte Guinn, Alta Lynn Gerlach, Joy Irving, and Janet Orr for coming and spoiling me. Like a long slumber party. They have nursed me through nausea, digestion problems, not eating, and weakness and never complained and took wonderful care of me. God has so blessed me with wonderful friends who have gone beyond what friendship is!

Speaking of going beyond the call of duty, my wonderful husband has been that and more. He has truly loved me through this! So many times he could have given up and has been so strong and never complained and has done what had to be done or needed to be done. I marvel at how he shows me everyday his love when I was so weak or so sick I didn't return that love like I wanted to. I so love him and am so proud of him. You never know what you sign up for when you marry and wonder how someone will react-he has been more than anything I could ever have wanted or expected. I do love him so! Thank you Lord for letting me share in this man's life, may I be more like him-help him to know how much I love him.

Last Friday evening I got a call from Dr. Barryman's nurse and they had found one of the tests they routinely do had come back positive. I had developed the CMV virus which everyone apparently carries dormant and never manifests itself. Those that have low blood counts can develop it, especially transplant people. I did and have to go into the clinic now daily for antivirus IV. I will find out tomorrow for how long. The bad thing is I can't be around pregnant people and both of our girls are pregnant. Weslee lives here and we see her quiet often with of course Shiloh as well. That was hard to take but as Wes says it is not forever and we don't want to put that new baby in jeopardy before birth. So we wait to ask questions tomorrow and remake plans for Thanksgiving. Hope to be able to go to my brothers and sister-in-laws in Tyler to be with family.

What a ride this has been. Not one I want to repeat but one I am grateful to have had the opportunity to have. Thank you again to my donor for the life he shared with me. The ride should get better each day from now on and of course that is what we pray for daily and for the future.

I close by sharing my devotional from Beth Moore out of 2 Sam 22:29-36. Perfect for this journey. "You are my lamp, O Lord; the Lord turns my darkness into light. With Your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall.
As for You, my God, Your way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. You are a shield for all who take refuge in You. For who is God besides You, Lord? And who is the Rock except my God?
It is You, God, who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. You make my feet like the feet of a deer; You enable me to stand on the heights. You train my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze. You give me your shield of victory; You stoop down to make me great."

I pray, Lord, that I can live up to what you tell me You will give me in your word. I pray that those who watch me walk through this fire will see You every step of the way and see you glorified in this journey. Amen

God is good----------------all the time!

day 8

Omg it seems like everyday there is a new set of problems to address. I am right on schedule but its hard to convince my brain that I should hurt like this. I know I am tough and try not to complain but I HURT all over. They started giving me the shots today to jump start my bone marrow. I have had them before and they just make you feel like you have the flu in your bones. My old left hip has decided to be squirrely and hurts like one other time before many years ago. My mouth sores are still ripe and I can't eat except ice chips and a popsicle every now and then. I know thats hard to believe, most of you have seen me eat. Believe me there comes a time when you couldn't eat even if someone held a gun to your head. I did have some fat to live off of but didn't have this in mind for a weight loss plan. Oh well, this too shall pass!
These people work with you everyway possible to make you comfortable. This little pump has helped so much, just don't want to be hooked although they say you can't be. Just not used to giving in and admitting I need help.
We covet each and every prayer that has been sent up on our behalf. I would definitely have given up many days before. You are all so precious to us.
Better days lay ahead!
Rom 15:13 God of hope, please fill me with all joy and peace as I trust in You, so that I may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Ps 51:8 Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones You have crushed rejoice. Ps 65:9 You care for me far more than the land You enrich abundantly. Flood my dry soul with the streams of God and fill me with joy.
I am ready for streams of joy and my bones to rejoice!!!!!!!!!!!

God is good-------------all the time!!!!

I'm still alive

Yes I am still alive. Back and forth for the last two weeks. Harder than anything that I have ever done and I do pray I will not have to go backwards. Many days of darkness and in and out of reality-nausea like I have never experienced before in my life. I am not a nausea person but I could not shake it ravage on my body. Many of the drugs they tried on me gave me horrific dreams which were not restful at all-finally they got in some patches and that along with the drugs got it manageable. All that was due to 6 full days of chemo which was stronger than I have ever had before. Literally to death and back!!!!!
Now the aftereffects are severe mouth sores from my mouth all the way through my digestive track and out! Still having gut issues but I promise they say all this is normal-oh but that I wasn’t normal! Eating has been a real issue. I think I haven’t any substantial food for about 8 days-what a weight plan! I truly want to eat but it just won’t go down-I look forward to the mouth sores subsiding and to eat again.
On a good note my counts are dropping like a rock just as they should and hopefully in a few days my donor cells will begin to talk up shop and grow baby grow. I can never be able to express my gratefulness for that young man-literally a life giver!
During those dark days I sang in myself, especially ”O How He Loves Us”. I am still amazed how much He does love us and how when all else is gone He remains, stronger than ever. Listen to this quote from our Beth Moore “God will give us victory, but sometimes He will require every ounce of energy and cooperation we have in the process”. I am there, no more energy but I am cooperating because I have no energy to do otherwise. I do know that someday in the near future I will again stand with energy and strength and be able to soar on the wings of eagles once again. I do so miss my beloved Crestview and working alongside my dear friends and family there. I am so blessed.
I couldn’t end without bragging on my sweet husband-what a jewel. He has been sleeping on this little couch now every night to help and be there for me. What a gift from God he is and I can’t tell you how much I love him more and more every day. My precious children have been in and out and keeping wash done and keeping us company. This is truly a family affair.
I close with some precious words from the Psalms 126:5-6 Blessed merciful Gpd. Your Word promises that those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. If I go out weeping carrying seed to sow, I will return with songs of joy carrying sheaves with me.
Your eyes, Lord are on those who fear You on those whose hope is in Your unfailing love to deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine. I wait in hope for you Lord. You are my help and my shield. In You my heart rejoices for I trust in your Holy Name. May your unfailing love rest on me. O Lord even as I put my hope in You (Psalm 33:18-22)
Father, healing is definitely in Your hands and I pray for strength to wait on You to restore me.
God is good-----------all the time!!!!

DAY -6 AND COUNTING

I am at Baylor University Medical Center in the Roberts building and am already hooked up to the life saving poison they begin the treatment with.
All went as scheduled until the appointment with doctor Berryman on Monday afternoon when he discovered from my counts that the leukemia was back and beginning to grow again. All the small syptums I had been having were a good tip off but of course we moved as quickly as we could! Dr. Berryman decided to pull a bone marrow core first thing Tuesday morning to see how extensive it was, the count had to be lower than 20% cancer cells or the transplant would be posponed for another 4 weeks while I did another round of chemo. Of course all our hearts sank and the tears began to flow. He told us to take it to a higher power and pray and tell all of our friends to pray. That we did, because of my kids facebook lit up like a billboard and my little text message fingers began to fly. Needless to say it was a very restless night but a lot of time to spend with the Lord. I have a feeling He heard my name that night much more than He felt He needed to. Wes and I did so feel lifted up.
Tuesday morning we went to have the bone marrow draw at 9 and they pretty much knocked me out for that and then I went straight to another building to switch out the Hickman to a Pic line as a means to put in the drugs. That turned out to be a surgery and I was really knocked out and in the recovery room for hours. Finally got to a real room where I tried to wake up and see what was going on. Finally about 3:30 we heard the news that there were only 3% leukemia cells and the transplant was back on schedule. Many shouts, tears, and thank you Jesus followed as we celebrated the good news. Who knew we would ever celebrate putting poison in our system to make things better-all I know I am praising God for it!
Chemo hasn't been bad they are very proactive here about side effects, they try to ward them off before the problems arise. Everyone is wonderful, many are believers and share their faith eagerly! Yesterday my insurance advocate that helped through all the insurance bad stuff, came to visit me and she is such a delight. She is Indian and I often wondered about her faith and yesterday we got to talk and she is a believer and that thrilled my heart! God gives us little gifts all along the way.
Last night I could meet with our Bible Study class in Midland and what a blessing that was. Got to see all of their sweet faces on Skype and also to hear Beth do her lecture. Is great to still be attached! Thank you internet.
I shared a story with the girls last night I would like to share with yall about God giving us little gifts that sometimes we don't even recognize until a little later. We were all so caught up in fighting with insurance companies and rushing everyone up to avoid an extra round of chemo I guess we lost sight of what God was handing us to help up through the bogg. When I got on the Baylor campus they handed us a notebook all about transplant from beginning to end. Two things really caught my eye and heart and I had to stop and thank the Lord for ours. First finding an unrelated donor usually takes from 4-6 months and sometimes years, sometimes never. My donor was located within one day!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Secondly it takes donor examination information clearance about 6 months and mine was through in 5 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The most incredible one is that he was a perfect match 6 out of 6. They will accept even a 4 out of 6 for a transplant, so I felt incredibility blessed from all of this.He never lets us down or forgets where we are, just sometimes we get so caught up in all the stuff of every day we don't see them. I'm so glad He has us in the palm of His hands even when we feel we are floundering in a whirlpool. He never leaves us or forgets us! Praise Him!
I leave you with some words from Beth but most importantly from the Word:
Lord, according to Your Word, hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life (Prob 13:12). Lord, You are keenly aware of any hopes that have been deferred in my life. Help me to put my hopes in You, for You will fulfill my longings.
Wonderful Savior You tell me that there is surely a future hope for me, and my hope will not be cut off (Prov 23:18). When I hope in you, Lord, I will renew my strength. I will soar on wings like eagles; I will run and not grow weary, I will walk and not be faint (Isa 40:31) (one of my favorite verses)
Lord, help me hear this word as one from You to me: "So there is hope for your future,"declares the Lord (Jer 29:17)
We as believers all have a hope and should never forget that so in the low days that follow help me pray never to loose sight of that because I'm betting on the other side of this are great things for me and my family. Can't wait. Luv you all and remember God is good------------------all the time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HERE WE GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Received word from the doctors nurse as to a schedule for go ahead with the transplant plans. My sweet young donor had his physical on Monday and they are awaiting results but she said they do not anticipate any problems so they had drawn up a schedule to let me know so I could go ahead and make plans. Finally, seems we have been trying to get here for a life time. I am scheduled to see Dr. Berryman in Dallas on Monday afternoon, then go into the hospital on Tuesday morning. They will replace my Hickman with a PicLine (those are both devices implanted into a main artery that the meds and chemo can go into). I think they both primarily do the same thing, just different brands. Chemo will start on Wednesday and will continue up until transplant on October 12. The chemo is to kill off all my white counts so that they can be replaced with healthy ones from the donor. His stem cells will take over and be leukemia free and healthy. Praise God for the precious donor who has literally saved my life.
I know there will be many days of sickness and feeling bad but I will not face that alone. Just as in the past, my Jesus will be holding me up and so many friends will be continually praying me through this.
I won't say I am not anxious about this whole process. It is all obviously uncharted territory and therefore my flesh self turns to fear about what will and could happen on this part of the journey. I do know though that the author of fear is not God and I refuse to let Satin feel like he is winning that battle. I will turn my focus on the Lord when those uneasy thoughts enter my mind and remember He is in control and is already paving the way on the other side of this part of the journey.
Again I turn to God's word in Matthew 5:35 "I confess to You that I am overwhelmed by the task ahead but I am thankful that You have authority over all things. Heaven is Your throne; earth is Your footstool" God has authority over this whole transplant process, He picked this donor, He picked this time, place, and doctors and His plan will be carried through to the end. My prayer is that I will be a joy for Him to watch as I travel through this task He has given me in-may He be pleased with me as His child!
"O God, let it be said of me that my faith is growing more and more, and the love I have for others is increasing!" (2 Thess. 1:3. "How I pray that You may count me worthy of Your calling, and that by Your power You may fulfill every good purpose of mine and every act prompted by my faith" (2 Thess. 1:11).
This is my prayer as I begin this part of the journey---"Lord God, I desire that these things will be remembered before You: my work produced by faith, my labor prompted by love, and my endurance inspired by hope in my Lord Jesus Christ" (1 Thess. 1:3).
I claim the power of your healing Lord, and that you will make me strong during these next few months. Amen and Amen

God is good---------all the time!

THE WAITING GAME

Approval given and now we wait for the call to go to Dallas for the transplant. This is really tough and of course my mind goes all over the place telling me that the leukemia is back and rampant within. Before I was diagnosed the first time I had noticed an itchy rash on my back and random bruises on my body and no explanation for them. I have noticed both of them coming back in the past few days and all those alarms went off especially since I know the outcome from before and that is scary. I have a call in to the transplant doctor in Dallas and have full confidence he will be able to calm my fears. Funny how Satan knows exactly what things will cause us to be fearful and uncomfortable with situations we find ourselves in. I always have told my kids when they were scared, "who is the author of fear?", don't let him have the satisfaction of knowing he planted that seed and watched it sprout---now I give myself the same question and lecture. Don't you hate it when our words of wisdom come back to haunt us!

I have learned that my donor is a male in his 20's and is in the United States. He is in process of getting tests so that he will be cleared for the stem cell draw for me to receive them. Before I can receive the stem cells I will have to have a series of strong chemo to kill off all of my bone marrow cells including the leukemia cells and then we will start from scratch with healthy ones which will hopefully grow in my bone marrow and take over with very healthy ones. It will be a long and involved process of tearing me down and then recovery. My prayer is for strength to be able to deal with whatever is necessary to continue on and be well again. Once again God has carried me this far why would He leave me now.

The unknown is always the hard part and that is where I am now. I have had chemo like this before but the doctors have told me this will be much stronger and side effects harder. Just want to get started and get this all behind me!

I never ceased to be amazed at how daily God sends me to scripture that is comforting. Just as He calmed David as He ran from Saul He uses those same words to calm me as I run from the ravages of leukemia. The Psalms are always a great place to get lost and find my God. In Psalms 36:7-9 we read "O Lord, how priceless is Your unfailing love. Both high and low among men find refuge in the shadow of your wings. They feast on the abundance of Your house. You give them drink from Your river of delights. For with You is the fountain of life; in Your light we see light."
Again, David asks of the Lord in Psalms 27:4-5 "One thing I ask of You, Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon Your beauty and to seek You in Your temple. For in the day of trouble You will keep me safe in Your dwelling You will hide me in the shelter of Your tabernacle and see me high upon a rock."

God's tabernacle is available to us everyday of our lives and all we have to do is seek that hiding place. There are so many comfortable places in that dwelling and my prayer is to be able to hide in them during the months to come as I undergo the transplant and recovery. I want to be able to go to places other than the transplant where I can see the beauty of my Savior as He holds me tight and carries me through recovery. I know I can trust that rock for safety, comfort and a refuge from the time of troubles that will come. I'm glad I have been in those places before, even if they will be worse this time. He delivered me before and I am confident He will deliver me
once again. As I await transplant I ask for renewed strength, patience, and peace so I will be prepared for whatever lies ahead.

I close by saying to you, please join with me in prayer for my family and me as we continue this journey hand in hand with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ---may He be glorified.

God is good-----------all the time!

Mountain Moved!

Edit to the previously written post. I got a call from the insurance company and God did move that mountain-I HAVE BEEN APPROVED FOR TRANSPLANT GO AHEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dr. Berryman has been contacted and they will press forward with preliminary testing for the perfect donor they had already found. I should be hearing soon with a date.

Praise God for moving the mountain-I know this was a miracle.

Thank you Lord for hearing my cry in the wilderness-the light is truly brightest after the darkness.

God is good---------all the time!

An Enormous Mountain

I know, I haven't been on this blog for over a month. My excuse is that of a roller coaster ride that I wouldn't wish on anyone. We are going on over 60 days of fighting with the insurance company to okay the transplant so the donor can be contacted again to complete the tests for transplant. I still can't believe there is a near perfect donor sitting on the other end of this and Baylor can't go with it because the people at the insurance are arguing over the way the medical reports were written. I have been through all the tests requested and passed with above average results yet we still can't seem to satisfy that illusive "medical expert" that they seem to keep throwing in our faces. I could go on for pages and pages but the fact still remains we still have not been approved and this insurance giant has way too much power and are trying to play god with my life. Somehow they seem to believe they know more than 6 doctors who have given me the all clear. All I can say is that this is the most frustrating thing I have ever faced in my entire life. It is time for me to go back in the hospital for more chemo so time is of the essence otherwise everything will be thrown off for at least 30 more days. If that happens Christmas would find me in the hospital and that does not sound fun.

I would love to say I have learned some deep spiritual truth in all this mess but I feel so helpless and much of the hope I had for cure has slipped away. I am still very sure of my hope in Jesus Christ but my hope in insurance companies is about as low as you can get. This wait has taken on a life of its own and is bigger than life itself. I have heard of situations like this but never did I realize how real it was and how helpless one could feel.

Facing the giants comes to mind as I look back over the past few months. I know that was football but this is a mountain that has been placed between me and recovery. We haven't been able to go around it, through it, over it, or under it. Seems we just sit on this side and try to climb it and find ourselves slipping back over and over again. We have addressed the same issue over and over again and they find something else to stop the process. The roller coaster continues to pull up the mountain and speeds ahead faster than life and then slows to a snails pace and often has completely stopped and we have absolutely no control. For the first time in this journey I must admit I have felt true discouragement and wondered if transplant would ever happen. I have also ask God why is this happening and to help me understand the time table. Nothing has made any sense to me or the doctors at Baylor or here. I have found myself literally begging for the phone to ring and the person on the other end to say come to Dallas, all is in place. I have received no clear answer from God and He has continued to hold me up but I must admit my peace has faltered and I have felt empty and alone in the process even though many have fought with me. The many phone conversations I have had with the powers that be seem to have fallen on deaf ears and they seem to be more interested in holding that power and delaying my chance at a healthy life.

As I literally fight for my life, I must keep reminding myself that God loves me more than anyone else on this earth and that He fights for my life even harder than I or anyone else has ever fought. It is so difficult to sit helplessly at home while someone else looks at a piece of paper and decides your fate. God knows what the end of this journey will be. I pray He will prepare me daily for the outcome even if it is not what I want it to be. I also pray that I will feel closer to Him and not this feeling of aloneness I have had hanging over me the past few weeks.

Again I turn to the scripture for the peace I so desperately need----------
Psalm 34:18 says, You, Lord, are close to the brokenhearted and saw those who are crushed in spirit.
Romans 8:38-39 says, You are surely so close to me, Lord. Help me to sense Your presence in my life, I need You more than I need the next breath. I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate me from Your love. O God, that is in Christ Jesus my Lord.

I remember the childhood song that we all know and have passed on to our children and I claim it---Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so------even when we don't feel it we KNOW it is true and that I am remembering every second of every day.

God is good-------------all the time!

Home and holding

I got to come home last Friday and was oh so excited to see my home and sleep in my own bed with my man once again. I have felt wonderful and am able to be in full swing again for a while. Even put in a few hours at work. Just poop out fast but a nap does wonders.
We are remodeling our kitchen so my house is a wreck but how exciting to know what it will look like when it is done. So blessed to be able to redo at this point in our lives.

I have an appointment in Dallas on Monday, August 8 with the transplant doctors and team for lots of tests on every part of my body. I am anticipating getting a transplant date at that time. Hopefully it will be really soon because I am ready to get this begun so I can be on the road to recovery. Had a long visit with Dr. Carr on Monday at my appointment about what to expect during the transplant and recovery. I would lie if I said I wasn't anxious or let's just be honest down right scarred about some aspects of the transplant. She reminded me there would be really down days unlike ones I have had already, meaning they would be worse. I can't even imagine that but I just have to know that God has brought me this far not to abanden me but to hold me even higher so that I can take whatever is handed to me. Again, I know that prayer will be a huge thing for me and I have a tremendous group of people who are prayer warriors unlike any other. I am one blessed woman and know that they have prayed me through many dark days and nights in the past.
It is also difficult to think I will be away from my Midland family and friends for as long as 2 months. That makes me sad and long to see them already and that time is not here yet. Seems so long to be in a strange hospital and city. I am blessed to have Weslee, my middle daughter, and her family and Marshall, my son there in Dallas so I will be able to see familiar faces during the week. I can't imagine being away from Wes during the week but he must work. I can't tell you how much I do love that man and how calming he is to me at stressful times. What a gift he was from the good Lord-thank you Lord, thank you, thank you!

As I face the next few weeks and months I come to you Lord, in prayer and I ask You now to let Your peace, God, which transcends all understanding, guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus (Gal 6:9). I know without that peace I will not be able to complete this journey in the manner God wants me to. I allows this journey and I want to be able to come out on the other end knowing I made Him proud to call me His child.

(Ps 21:11-13) Though my enemy plots evil against me and devises wicked schemes, he will not succeed if I am walking with You, O God, You will make him turn his back when You aim at him with drawn bow. Be exalted, O Lord, in Your strength! I will sing and praise Your might.
(Ps 20:5) Lord God, I will shout for joy when You make me victorious, and I will lift up a banner in the name of my God! Please, Lord, grant these requests!
Lord my banner is ready and I am ready to shout and sing so could You please pick me up and carry me through these coming weeks. Give me strength greater than any I have ever seen. Take my fear, Lord and turn it in to shear courage to face the down days and praises when the days are good. Let me never forget who I belong to and that you are in control of every minute and every day I face. You have been there already and prepared the way-help me to walk in it!

Good is good------------all the time!

On and On and On---------------------------

I am still in the hospital waiting for my blood counts to come back. They have begun to climb slowly but surely. This hospital stay has seemed endless but I have felt good and had very few bad reactions from the antibiotics as before.

I still have infections and am on the antibiotics but they are getting better. They put me on a very strong antibiotic because Dr. Carr thought one of the infections was MRSA a serious staff infection but that turned out to be negative but I was grateful she had begun to treat it anyway to assure I would be covered for the infection. My Hickman seemed to be showing signs of infection but as of today had not grown any cultures so far. I am hopeful that will continue as I really don't want to have it taken out which would mean the meds would have to be given through IV. The Hickman would be put back before chemo would start again. Now I just wait and wait and wait for my body to do what it is suppose to do-fight!

The past few days have been spent fighting with the insurance company so that they would hurry and okay a donor search as well as the transplant. Since my last blog my brother was tested to see if he was a match and much to mine and his disappointment he was not. We were both sure that would work out but that was not in God's plan. The waiting game began with the insurance company, AGAIN, and we were finally approved to go into the donor pool as of yesterday. Before the approval we were on the telephone and email daily trying to get them to hurry, a word they have absolutely no concept of. As of yesterday in the morning I was approved and by 2:00 that afternoon a potential donor was located and further communication with the person was needed. It turned out it was a good match and we once AGAIN had to go back to the insurance company for approval, more conversations with the insurance company and we should receive approval within the next two days for the transplant. At least that was what they promised but I have no idea why we should believe that since their word is not believable. If it sounds like I am disgusted and frustrated I AM. I can't even express how difficult it has been working with that company-seems they feel my age, a ripe old 60 and all my other medical problems do not make me a good candidate for a successful transplant. Of course I let them know in no uncertain terms I was not old and had much more to live for and that decision was not theirs but belonged to my doctors who knew me because they did not! I am really not a person that is hard to get along with (strong willed yes but not mean)but I will say they brought out the demons in me. Thank the Lord I do not know where their offices are because I think I would have gone there to take matters in my own hands. I know why people hate them and do bad things to them. This company is definitely "of the devil".

Since I have ranted on for a while I will stop and praise God for the blessings He has sent us in the past few days. I am overwhelmed with the idea that someone in this big old world is enough like me that I can use their stem cells to grow healthy ones for my own body. If that is not a miracle, I don't know what is! God has certainly gone before us and made a path that is amazing!

Today's devotional in Beth Moore was awesome and just what I needed (why am I surprised) I would love to share it with you.

She begins with the "our Bridegroom sometimes leads us to difficult places, but we can trust Him to have purpose in our stay and never forsakes us."
Ps 107:13 tells us I cry to You, Lord, in my trouble. Save me from my distress. Ps 57:2-3 says I cry out to You, God Most High, to You who fulfills Your purpose for me. You send from heaven and save me, rebuking those who hotly pursue me. You send Your love and Your faithfulness.
What a blessing to know that He does pursue us even when we feel we are so deep in we feel He can't even find us. Some days I do feel so distressed I can't be found but I do know He knows where I am and not only that He sits right beside me and never leaves that spot.
You tell me Lord. "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Your power may rest on me. 2 Cor 12:9 (my life verse-may I live it)
You will never leave me, Lord. Never will You forsake me (Heb 13:5) You are the only absolute guarantee I have in all of this journey I find myself in-please help me to hold on to you with every ounce of energy I have.

I realize the next few weeks and months will be the hardest I have ever and will ever face in this lifetime. I must admit I am anxious or no really down right scarred to face them. But I know that I am not alone-God still carries me and holds me tighter than ever. I also know that He has blessed me with a family that is unbelievably strong and determined that I feel loved and supported. How incredibly blessed I am! Thank you Lord.

God is good------------all the time!

What a ride this week was!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chemo went well last week, six treatments in the hospital and I tolerated it very well and was feeling pretty good so Dr. Carr sent me home on Tuesday late in the evening after chemo, platelets, blood transfusion and a bunch of waiting around. All went well, dr. office, lunch, home and then at about 3:30 the world began to crumble. I became severely nauseated, chills, dizzy and even passed out. My girls were scared to death as was my baby Shiloh and called 911 but I came to but was soooooooo out of it and still nauseated. 911 was canceled and Wes was called along with Dr. Carr who said get to the hospital, now! Drama to the max but I was pretty unaware of the world just that I felt horrible. After a miserable trip to the hospital poor Wes finally got me in and we were all pretty scared and needed answers. Hooked me up to IV's and began blood tests to find infection. My fever was up and down all night, chills so bad five blankets couldn't stop the shaking, horrible nightmares, sweets, feelings of out of body and wishes that I was!
Probably that was the worst night and worst 24 hours as of yet! I guess best I can describe it was feeling sooooo bad you just wanted to not be able to remember anything or feel anything but knowing in your woozy heart you had no control over anything physical or mental. I could hear things but didn't want to be a part I just wanted to feel better. I sleep on and off for about 24 hours and believe it or not did not take a bath, take my brace off, put my makeup on or communicate except when made to for all that evening and the next day. Pit is not bad enough a word for that ride. I was by no means on my way to heaven and I know hell is much much worse than that but I was in a land I don't want to visit anytime again! i will say during that time there were periods of being able to talk to the Lord and beg for mercy and make it all to go away-if that meant heaven I was ready and I could feel Him say, "Not yet"! Then do something I would say. Finally about 9:00 that evening I began a slight rally and finally at about 2:30 AM I got up for the bathroom and felt like earth was real again for the first time in a while. The next morning I got up and showered my stinky body and put on my makeup and met a beautiful day of life with my beautiful relieved family!
To all of you who texted, phoned, and messaged that I scared you-----believe me we were all scared! I so appreciate your prayers and God did answer!

The test results results showed a blood infection, high fever, low blood pressure, and of course the nausea. I was put on an antibiotic, fluids and it is working. The blood counts are falling as they should because of the chemo but my body is responding to the antibiotic and I have non of the awful rashes, swelling or other horrible reactions as before so we are praising God for His help in this time of trouble!

The donor typing for the bone marrow transplant is in process and we are waiting to hear from the results of compatability of mine and my brothers and go from there. We need information quickly so we can move forward. That is a very urgent prayer request and we appreciate your joining with us. We are hopeful to have news soon!

During those dark hours God sustained me and I am again so grateful for the bright day on the other side. Those valleys are so dark but Oh how bright on the other side!

The day I finally felt really good God gave me this devotional in Beth Moore's Praying God's Word. Of course I must share. So powerful and for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lord, if the only home I hope for is the grave, if I spread out my bed in darkness...where then is my hope?(Job 17:13,15). Help me not to see the grave as my only hope. I am one of Your children, Lord! How foolish for the grave to be my hope,
for I will never live in a grave. I will be with You in glory.
For You who said, "Let light shine out of darkness,"made Your light shine in my heart to give me the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ (2 Cor 4:6). I am a chosen person, part of a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to You, God, that I may declare the praises of You who called me out of darkness into Your wonderful light (1 Pet 2:9)
My sweet God thank you so much for the light You have let me see and for the days I have to enjoy what You so graciously have given me. How bright that light has become. Let me shine bright for You!

God is good-------all the time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CHEMO AGAIN!

Dr. Carr decided to put me back in the hospital on Thursday to begin consolidation therapy for the leukemia again. The transplant insurance company has been unbievably uncoporative letting the okays go to check for a donor match so we can proceed with the plans. On Wednesday all day us and Dr. Carr's office delt with the insurance company on the phone, most of it not in an amicable way but things did seem to begin to move in the right direction. They had sat on the request for 45 days and had made one excuse after another. Seemed they were trying to let the cancer run its course and take me so they would not have to pay for the transplant. Of course they assured me that was not the case but no one will ever convince me that was not right. I'll never understand how insurance companies can call the shots in medical situations they know nothing about. One thing I went from being so overwhelmed with the whole situation and feeling like I couldn't do it to just being mad and determined I could last them out and not give them the satisfaction of not having to pay for the procedure. This feeling seems to be better for the situation I am going through. Anyway I have a new strength so some good came of it.

I met with the transplant doctor, Dr. Berryman, on Thursday at Dr. Carr's office. He was so imformative and helped us all understand the procedure. We are shotting for transplant within the next 4-6 weeks because I am in remission and that increases the success of the transplant by 50%, obviously it is urgent that we find a donor and the insurance moves quickly. I will go to Dallas to the Baylor medical center and the bone marrow transplant procedure will be about 6 days long and then we wait and see if my body accepts the marrow without rejection. He said there was a 50% percent chance that would happen but there were great anti-rejection drugs and they work very well to pull you through that stage. There is a 10-15 percent chance of not making it through the transplant which kind off freaked me out but that is a pretty low chance of death so I'll take it and obviously that is a huge prayer request. One could get hit by a car sooner than that. They will continue to follow my progress for the next months and I will have to stay in the Dallas area but there are apartments available through the hospital. After about 2 months I should be able to be monitered from Midland because Dr. Berryman comes to Midland once a month to check on patients. The odds of no reacurrance go up with each month and year I can stay in remission. The transplant gives me a huge boost and will help the leukemia to stay in remission. Without it he guarenteed it would return and be more an more difficult to control.

So much to digest but very encouraging from this side. I do understand that God is in front of me and know what lies ahead and I trust Him with the details and plans He has for me.

Right now we need the insurance company to move quickly and okay all the procedures. Also my brother, Bob, will be the first place to go for a since he is my only sibling. That is a 1 in 4 chance he will be a match and that would be wonderful as he lives in Tyler and would need to be available during the donor transplant procedure. That would be so perfect so I am praying that God will allow that to happen. We have already started on that so should know something soon. If he is not we will go into the donor pool to find a donor. They say not to worry someone is out there who can help. That is definitely in God's hands as well.

Seems so much depends on straightend paths before us and that is out of our hands and is all with our Lord. I can't think of better hands to be in-He loves us so and knows what lies ahead. I have let all those plans I had made let go and I am comfortable with that! Praise Him.


These were my scriptures from my devotional for yesterday and seem so appropriate for the situration. God always gives us strength for the moment:
Lam 3:22-24--"Help me to call this to mind and therefore always have hope: because of Your great love, I am not consumed for Your compassions never fail. They are new toward me every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I will say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him"
Ps. 31:7-8--"I will be glad and rejoice in Your love, O God, for You saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul. You have not handed me over to the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place."
Deut 33: 27---"You eternal God, are my refuge and underneath are Your everlasting arms. You will drive out my enemy before me, saying, "Destroy him!"
I'm ready for the enemy to be destroyed and to get on with a cancer free life to enjoy till God calls me home.

I covet your prayer support over the next days as many things must come together. God is in control, and I am glad.

God is good----------all the time!

One more week off---------woohoo!

Dr. Carr is trying to get me an appointment with the transplant doctor in Dallas so she chose not to put me back in the hospital for more chemo until after the appointment so my counts would be strong. Seems the insurance company is satisfied with the tests they demanded which all came back negative just as Dr. Carr said they would. Funny how now days people who are not even doctors are able to call the shots. Oh well as long as they okay the typing and eventually the transplant. I am not looking forward to the transplant but I would like to get on with it and just get it over with. I have learned I must just go one day at a time and stop anticipating the future and what it might bring. I have always been one to plan ahead and know where I was heading and hopefully planning of the outcome. That is obviously a lesson the good Lord wanted me to learn as every time I look to the future I become so overwhelmed I just give up so I have learned to stop and just live in the moment. For that reason I am so enjoying my home, family, friends and especially my own bed with my wonderful husband. I live from one doctors appointment to the next!

We just seem to be such slow learners or at least I am anyway-and I bet I have a few like me out there. Our lessons seemed to be best learned, or only learned, in the midst of the refining fire when God always tells us the easy way to go and how best to get to the other end of the road. He tells us His yolk is light and easy, yet we weight ourselves down with our own yolks. He tells us two is always better than one when going through the storms yet we insist on going it alone because we are tough and don't need anyone! I have experienced first hand that during the times when I thought I couldn't go on there was always someone to say WE will do this together and I always felt the hand of God through that family member or friend. So often said but so true, He carries us every step of the way. Oh but if we would just let Him!

So many of you out there have said so often that this blog and my family has made such an impact on your lives as you have watched us travel this journey. I hope it has all been good impacts and that somehow God has been glorified in so many ways.
These verses speak my heart:
Ps 126:5-6 "The Lord will do great things for me, and I will be filled with joy. I will sow in tears, then I will reap with songs of joy. If I go out weeping, Lord, carrying sheaves with me."
1 Pet 5:10 "Please help me be willing to sow the seed of Your Word and to water it with my tears, believing You in the midst of my pain. If I do, You will be faithful to fill me with joy again. You will faithfully bring harvest forth from my life. My suffering will not be in vain.
You, the God of all grace, who called me to Your eternal glory in Christ, will restore me and make me strong, firm, and steadfast after I have suffered a little while."
My prayer is that the seeds that God has given our family to sow on this journey will be sheaves we will carry with us. I pray God will continue to be glorified and our tears will be seeds that will grow into great joy for the Lord as others observe us on this fiery journey. Lord continue to use us and may others see Jesus in us! This journey will not be in vain! I don't know how long this journey will be whether for the remainder of my life or only for a season-but I am sure of one thing I am not alone and God carries me every step of the way and continues to know what will come next--He is already there!
I pray that at the end of this journey of life that I will stand before my Lord and He will be able to say-well done lady, I told you could do it and do it you did!

God is good----------all the time!

HOME FOR TWO GLORIOUS WEEKS-------------ENJOY

Dr. Carr burst in the room on Saturday and announced my counts were normal and I was free to go! A very welcome early surprise and of course we were out of that room with triple the amount of stuff we came in with in record time. The nurses clapped and threw confetti on us as we left and outside I was met by a huge group of friends with signs and banners, many tears, prayers, songs, and thankfulness. What a wonderful feeling from the outside, heat, wind and West Texas dust but a blessing to me. Everyone else was sweating in 102 degree heat but it felt wonderful to me. Our fist stop was Sonic and it was wonderful to have real food outside the hospital.

I was scheduled to go back for blood work on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday but I enjoyed my Saturday night in my own bed and even went to church the next day. As I look back on that day it was really a blur and so foggy but I was there and it was good to be in a real seat and not have to listen on the computer. Nothing like being able to worship with people who have prayed for you so diligently and touch them again. I missed human touch and hugs so much-never take that for granted!

Went to the doctor on Monday morning and my counts were great-went again on Wednesday and saw Dr. Carr and she was so encouraging and released me for 8 days.
It is great to know that my body is doing what it is suppose to do and keeping up, a true miracle once again-God is using this every day!

My brother and sister-in-law came in on Monday and we had a blast just visiting and showing them around town. They even got to meet Dr. Carr and loved her as I do. We cherished every minute with them and were so sorry to see the go but it was a happy sad. We will see them soon.

Home has been wonderful but made me realize just how far I have to come back. The first few days I was so weak I wondered if I would ever feel somewhat normal again. Day by day little at a time my strength seems to be returning. I try to do one big goal a day and then nap so I will have some strength left for my sweet family. My body is still physically recovering from all the antiobiotics and chemo in the hospital. Weird but my legs are still swelling but seem to be slowing down a bit.
Even weirder all my skin is flaking off all over from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. I really never knew that I had that many layers of skin and I really hope I don't have to start over with that or I will be peeling forever-aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I feel like I have greased myself to death and it just keeps going.

Of course I don't have to say that my home is so much sweeter and the food taste so much better and the smells are so much more pleasing. Never take your surroundings for granted and cherish them and know that if you were away and couldn't be there for a time you would miss it. I love my family, friends, home, town, church and everyone who was so sweet to keep up and pray for me during that long stay.

I go back to see Dr.Carr on this Thursday and she will let me know the date to go back in the hospital for consolidation therapy to be sure none of the leukemia cells have returned. She wants to keep me in the hospital to moniter fevers and stuff. Not looking forward to it but after the month stay I know I can do this.

God continues to teach me day by day about His love, strength, and never letting me go. I praise Him everyday for the lessons and letting me walk through even the bad times because I know how good it feels on the other side.

2 Samuel 22:29-36 says it so well---You are my lamp, O Lord, the Lord turns my darkness into light. With Your help I can advance against a troop with my God I can scale a wall. As for you my God, Your way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. You are a shield for all who take refuge in You. For who is God besides You, Lord! And who is the Rock except my God. It is you God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. You make my feet like the feet of a deer; You enable me to stand in the heights. You train my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze. You give me Your shield of victory; You stoop down to make me great!
Lord help me never forget this and be reminded in the valleys and the mountains of your greatness and how each time because of you the victory is won-glory to your name Lord glory to your name.

God is good--------------all the time!

FROM THE DEPTHS INTO THE LIGHT-----FINALLY!

Seems so long since I have blogged but had a good reason, but am finally back among the land of the living and the want to be living! Last week was a long series of very dark days and very very sick ones. Seems I couldn't get over anythings-high fever, rashes all over and on top of each other, leg so swollen my brace dug into my leg, of course no hair, no taste, sores in mouth, no blood counts so no immunities. Pretty much a feeling of despair and giving up. I can remember a few nights of giving up and just asking the Lord to please end it and take me to be with Him where I could have peace again! Each day I would get up, put my makeup on and then go to bed and just be in survival mode. I had a hard time praying at all because I just was spent so I just threw myself at the feet of Jesus and ask that He please pick me up and put me in His lap and make it all better. I know He did even though at the time I couldn't feel it but I'm still here and am soooooooooooooo much better! Psalm 6 was where I was (the living Bible) "No, Lord don't punish me in the heat of your anger. Pity me, O Lord, for I am weak. Heal me, for my body is sick and I am upset and disturbed. My mind is filled with apprehension and with gloom. Oh, restore me soon. Come, O Lord, and make me well. In your kindness save me. For if I die I cannot give you glory by praising you before my friends. I am worn out with pain; every night my pillow is wet with tears. My eyes are growing old and dim with grief because of all my enemies. Go, leave me now, you men of evil deeds, for the Lord has heard my weeping and my pleading. He will answer all my prayers. All my enemies shall suddenly be dishonored, terror-stricken, and disgraced. God will turn them back in shame."

As I reflect on those feelings I realize that is the first time I have ever really given up and begged for mercy. Maybe that's what God wanted from me. Anyway I know He is not finished with me just yet and hope He made glory from my weakness at that point.

Finally the fevers began to break up on Sunday and especially on Monday. My counts began to climb on Monday morning and doubled each day as I began to get stronger and stronger, fever free, rashes are finally beginning to subside. Dr. Carr has taken me off all antibiotics am only on potassium because that is so low because of diarrhea which should clear up as soon as antibiotics clear out of system. She is talking about letting me go home on Sunday, Monday, or Tuesday depending on progress of recovery from meds. She said I could carry on life normally but assured me the fevers would return and I would have to come back in for more chemo and maintenance probably forever. No one knows the time frame but she was so positive and that is what Wes and Weslee heard and of course I heard the bad stuff, kindof freaked me out and I grieved all day because I guess I realized this was a forever thing and I would never have hair again and have periodic bouts with this all the time. I was feeling my mortality and that life as I knew it was over-scared everyone but all my family and friends were encouraging and listened and told me what I knew already but needed to hear again! Woke up yesterday a new woman with a good positive attitude again. Isn't it wonderful how God allows us to have pity parties and doesn't get in the way or be mad at us and accepts us back into His arms to rely on Him once again. Love it when He does that! He loves us so much and I praise Him for that.

So many up here at the hospital have said our family was such an inspiration to them and they have seen how Jesus has carried us through and kept our spirits up through the journey. They have become our family-we love them so and appreciate all the wonderful care we have received. They pray for us and we pray for them-as it should be.

Ps 18:28 You have turned on my light! The Lord my God has made my darkness turn to light. Now in Your strength I can scale any wall, attack any troops.

Is 40:28-31 He gives power to the tired and worn out, and strength to the weak. Even the youths shall be exhausted and the young men will all give up. But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not grow weary, they shall walk and not faint. I'm claiming it God help me!

God is good-----all the time!

Two weeks down

I have been here two weeks-7days of chemo-4 days of another chemo-4 infections (one a real mystery)-hair out (again)-two more weeks ahead. Wow I'm exhausted how about you. Who would have thought all that could happen in 14 days. I am still here and feeling pretty good, just blessed to be alive and live to tell the story.

Yesterday my hair started to fall out again so my precious friend and hair dresser came and put it out of its misery and shaved it all off so we could get on with life. Back to wigs and beautiful scarfs to cover a very ugly head. This time wasn't nearly as traumatic because I had seen that before. Sometimes I wonder if I will every really get to have hair again as it seems chemo will go on for the better part of my future. That is a very real possibility that I must face and I can. At this point I have to just go day to day.

We are waiting for my bone marrow to begin producing its own cells and pray they are very strong and will remain leukemia free. There is a 25% chance that this could be thrown into remission and I could remain there for a while. Of course that is our prayer that God could grant us that miracle! The other scenario would be that mine wasn't strong enough and we would be looking at a bone marrow transplant that we would go to Dallas to complete. That would be a 3 month hospital stay and another month in outpatient. I am having such difficulty wrapping my mind around that but it is a real possibility and seems to be the path Dr. Carr thinks eventually we would have to take. This morning was tough because that seems insurmountable and so much time away from friends, my church, work, and life as we are use to. I think the days of life as we know it are over and I must only do what has to be done for life

I find myself asking why and finding no answer to this and I realize that God never promised any of that, just that He will be with us no matter what path is put before us. I know the right thing to say is to be thankful that I should be called faithful enough to get through these trials and count it all good. The other part of me says I don't want to be called that, this is hard and leave me alone. I know my God is big enough to hear that and His ways are not mine and I just need to be still and know that He is in control and I am not! One day as we look back on all of this, and I pray that one day I can, I will have survived and know that a life was changed because of what I went through. I may never have answers. I am confident of only one thing and that is that He has been here before me and knows where I have to go and I am not alone! I must keep saying that over and over. I was reminded by a dear friend today I have to stop putting our God in a box and believe! Against all odds-we can do this thing!

Psalm 112:4 says Lord God, help me to be obedient to You even in this difficult season. Your Word says that even in darkness light dawns for the upright, for the gracious and compassionate and righteous man. Lord please help me to be obedient in this trial and respond as you would have me to. I want for others to see you through me and how I handle these tough times. Help me to have patience and not get ahead ahead of the game. Help me not to box you in and believe with all that is within me that you were and still are a God of miracles-I ask for a miracle Lord! In all of this may you be glorified.

God is good--------------all the time!

A New Day

Yesterday seemed like the end of the world and today was a bit better. God does have a way of taking His big 'ol hand and lifting us up with a pat on the back and saying now start again. And so----------I did!

I had another bone marrow biopsy at about 8:30 this morning. This one went so much better and I did not feel a thing. Dr. Carr was very encouraging this morning and said I was right on schedule and my body was just reacting how most peoples do and that mine was not as bad as some people have. I will continue to have infections pop up every day and they will continue to treat each one as individual. She definitely calms me down and is so positive, I tend to be much more positive.

I know I can get through this. I know there will be many more down days but as Dr. Carr said we will get you through this! She said people in the younger age bracket tend to do worse and people in the older age bracket (notice I am not there!)tend to do worse. But people in our age bracket follow a much better regimen.I am of course anxious for the results but the doctor is confident it will show 0 cells

Wes is having a colonoscopy tomorrow and is very anxious because a dear friend of ours was diagnosed a month ago with colon cancer. I know he will be fine and God holds him in the palm of His hand as well. Marshall will be taking care of him tomorrow so anyone reading this need needs to be praying for peace for Wes and his anxiousness.

Ps 94:19 says Lord, when doubts fill my mind, when my heart is in turmoil, quiet me and give me renewed hope and cheer. That's what God did for me last night. I know how Job felt because if I would have had an ash heap I would have sat on it and rubbed it in my hair but God heard my cry and gave me renewed hope today.One day at a time! Faith for the moment.

God is good--------------all the time!

HARD DAYS

Seems I have a good day and the next I hit rock bottom or maybe I'm not there yet I don't know. This journey is getting harder by the day and I am not nearly as strong as I thought I was. God must be carrying me otherwise I think my choice would be to just lay here and pray for death. It would be easier I am sure.

I continue to get up every morning and dress for the day because I know if I stop that I truly will be miserable. My family continues to rally and be a wonderful support. Since my counts are at 0 other visitors have been cut off. Infections continue to set in. One is a blood infection and I ran fever for a few days but one antibiotic took care of that evidently. I have been fever free for about 48 hours now-woohoo-that is always good. Have a spot on my leg that looks infected in the skin, weird,doctor put me on another antibiotic to wipe out staff. That scares me but I know it will take care of it. As gross as it sounds I have had diarrhea for about five days and mouth sores on top of mouth sores. I am so full of medicine my head is swimming all the time and have a hard time keeping my thought processes straight. This disease has taken my body captive but I swear I am not giving up. I know this sounds like I am overwhelmed and I am but I am not defeated and will not give up. As Marshall says you can loose a few battles but not the war mom.

I find myself praying for such simple physical things to my Jesus, like being able to eat a few bites of food and not going to the bathroom in 10 minutes. We so do take our health and contact with the outside world and friends for granted. I would even welcome feeling the feeling of 105 degree weather and dusty wind of West Texas. The warm sunshine coming in the windows in the mornings feels so good on me. I would love to be able to hold my grand baby and kiss her chubby cheeks, hug Wes and kiss him and not have him worry about getting me sick, and of course hugging my sweet children and these precious nurses who tirelessly take care of my every need. Anyone who is reading this now needs to go and hug a friend or loved one because just that physical touch means so much. We don't realize that until it is taken away for a while. I know that God will give that to me again and I long for those days to come sooner than later. Also to be able to wake up to the day and know that I will feel good and enjoy the day. We do take so much of life for granted!

This scripture seems to tell the story of my body right now but I am confident a new day is coming: (Hab.3: 17-19) Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in You, my Lord. I will be joyful in God my Savior. For You, Lord are my strength. You make my feet like the feet of a deer. You enable me to go on the heights. Father I know you will eventually take me to heights far exceeding the depths that I am experiencing at this moment. They just seem so deep Lord.
(Rom. 5:3) Father, continue to bring me along so that I can rejoice in my sufferings, because I know suffering produces perseverance.

Tomorrow will be a new day and my prayer will be a better one with a stronger attitude. I need to be a stronger warrior than these last few days. I trust that my Lord will continue to carry me as he has always done. Praise Him for His mighty power! I shall make Him proud.

God is good------all the time!!!!!!!!!!!

Beautiful day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday seemed to be such a downer and I know that so much of that was in my heart but God makes each day new and lets us start over. I am starting over today and so much better.

Yesterday I felt physically bad and that pulls our spirits down but it seemed the whole world was blowing up around here. Besides all the hospital stuff Midland was on fire all on the north side of town and the winds were blowing around 50 mph and pushed the fire over 4000 acres right to the back door of our brand new church building. They had to evacuate the church of all the staff and the day care kids and fight the fire with all kinds of stuff. Praise God He protected the building and the fire came to the walls of the church and they were able to put it out. Nothing was scorched but the flower beds. Wish I could have seen all those armies of angels holding back those flames. God's people were all on their knees pleading for protection and God heard the prayers of His people. So thankful He saw fit to spare our new building as well as protection for all the homes and businesses around that end of town.

Some of the nurses here had families that were being evacuated and they of course had to stay here and take care of us sickies. I am so thankful no one was hurt. It was a chance to share that we all were praying for each other and lifting each other up. God's people are everywhere-praise Him!

As all of this was going on my son, Marshall and son-in-law Zach were in Dallas and the weather was terrible. Tornadoes in their back yard and hale on the way. Thankfully they were spared and just had videos of tornadoes in the air and not on the ground. What a crazy day-glad all is well! So thankful.

Dr. Carr came in today with some good news. The leukemia is an intermediate kind. There is poor, intermediate, and good. She said they were expecting mine to be poor but good news it is intermediate which means it hopefully will respond easier to treatment. The pathologist was surprised and so was she and of course we are holding to small steps and that was one-Thanks Lord for the small steps-we'll take it. One more day of the 24-7 chemo drip and then we wait for the platelets to wipe out and begin to pull up hopefully. Tiredness ahead but I am praying that I can pull through and still feel like a human and continue to enjoy life as it is now.

Today is definitely a new day and I am enjoying it

Matthew 8:26 says Christ Jesus, before You rebuked the winds and the waves, You asked Your disciples, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Father help me not to be afraid and keep my faith stronger than it has ever been. I want to be able for others to see your works through me-use me Father. Help me to be a light in this hospital. I want to shine for you!

God is good-----------all the time!!

Days Continue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On day 5 of hospital stay! I am finished with the first round of the bad chemo that has side effects you don't want to hear about.. Made it through okay and my hair is still intact and am praying for a miracle in that area! I am hooked up to the other chemo that is killing my bone marrow on a 24/7 schedule.

My counts continue to fall but I haven't had to have a blood transfusion and platelets for two days but I don't know if that is good or bad because they want the bone marrow dead and not producing. My dear friends continue to line up to give blood and platelets so they will be fresh and better. I can't say enough about our support that God has provided for us-so sweet and loving and giving and eager to do whatever is necessary to hold our family up. How sweet is our Jesus to supply that!
We all are holding up well. Weslee and my sweet Shiloh are here although I am not allowed to see Shiloh and that is hard but she holds up her PopPop and that has been great for Wes. He needed someone at home to cook for him and keep the wash done and Weslee does that great. During the day she can come sit with me and keep me company. Wes was doing so good but I know it put a strain on him and trying to keep up with his job as well. Weslee really picks up the slack as Melissia is still in school and I remember how overwhelming that is, she always comes to see me after school though no matter how trying or tireing her day was. Marshall will be here at the end of the week and all my chickens will be home and that is conforting. We all meet storms together much better. I am so blessed with wonderful children and the best man on the face of the earth. The girls husbands have been so sweet as I know they are taking back seats in all of this. They have been wonderful-Zach and Josh yall are the best son-in-laws ever and I love you both dearly.

Wes does look so tired and worried. We are all just wondering what lies around the corner for this journey. It is just so strange not to know what to expect with treatment or results but that only makes us more dependent on our God for guidance for the doctor's and for my life! I pray we will continue to hold to Him in this overwhelming storm. Some days it seems so huge and and so much bigger that any of us, which it is and that is so scarry! Seems the doctors can't get us information fast enough and the internet is just too scarry. Wes does understand all the information they give us-I on the other hand am completely ignorant and understand very little of the scientific explanations and outcomes. I so need him here when Dr. Carr comes so he can understand for both of us. Thank goodness she understands that and is so gracious.

I feel more fatigued today and just kind of out of body-just off as Weslee says but I am reminded that five days of straight chemo will do that to a person. I pray I can continue to hold up and not get so low-I so want to be functional and be able to fight as the Lord holds me up!

I so want to be a warrior and call on the Lord to hold me up as He did with the warriors of the Old Testament. Lord hold my arms as I fight this battle with your strength and dignity. I pray I can overcome this invador as I fight with you by my side. I do feel you carrying me more and more each day. Thank you that I know you are always there no matter where I am or what I face. Make me strong!

Love this verse out of Isaiah 40:28-31, You, my Lord, are the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. You will not grow tired or weary, and Your understanding no one can fathom. You give strength to the weary and increase the power of the weak.


Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but when I hope in you, O, Lord my strength will be renewed. I will soar on wings like eagles; I will run and not grow weary, I will walk and not faint.


Jeremiah 32:17 Ah, Sovereign Lord, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for You!





God is good---------------all the time!

New journey and this time a real storm

Well here I am again returning to what got me through a hard time before. It's time for some deep therapy again and will use this sight for that.

God has another journey for me, this one being much different and even tougher than the first with breast cancer. That did seem a bad dream but He carried me through and I seemed to be doing great. Sailed through the first check up in February and had begun to work my old schedule at Merle Norman and it felt so good to be among the world and busy with my church work and regular work again. I had my second check up on Monday the 16 of this month, May. Really felt everything would be good, of course I had some concerns especially about the spot under my arm from the surgery but we had already sonogram ed it and the result was fluid and blood filled pocket from the mastectomy, I figured a sonogram and them maybe cutting it out at the worst. About a month ago I had noticed I seemed to be bruising for no apparent reason-probably just old age I thought-after all I had turned 60 on March the 23.

My checkup quickly turned into a nightmare when Dr. Carr looked at my blood counts and they were a "mess" as she said. Seems they were as low as if I was in the middle of chemo treatments again and that had ended 6 months ago. She immediately scheduled a bone marrow biopsy in the next room before I could go home. She obviously knew and so did we that something was up. By the way if anyone ever says bone marrow biopsy to you run unless you are out cold and know nothing about what is going on. I would have all 3 of my babies naturally one after the other before that will happen again. I will face more but she assured me I would be out and never feel a thing. Praise God for that good news! I had another appointment schedule for Wednesday for another blood count session and then on Friday for more blood tests and another appointment with my sweet Dr. Never made it to even the scheduled appointment on Wednesday. Dr. Carr called me at 8:30 on Wednesday and had come in on her day off to meet with me with preliminary results. I woke up Melissia and called Wes to meet us at her office. Had a feeling it was not good news. She had told us previously she was looking for more breast cancer cells, Leukemia, or bone marrow displacia. Those all sounded bad so for the first time I really didn't know what to pray for. Just strength to handle whatever I was facing. When I got to her office she took my hand and gently told me I had leukemia and began telling me all the huge names and explanations for what they had found in preliminary reports. When Wes arrived she started over and I still didn't understand very much but it was bad and I had a long road ahead of me. I was scheduled to check into the hospital on Thursday morning for a minimum of 30 day hospital stay and chemo pretty much around the clock and a second treatment each day. That first day I had an ecocardiogram, chest xray, and Hickman pic line placement, platelet blood transfusion, and one shock after another. However God carried us through each one and I began my stay in a sterile environment. Dr Carr said my family could come in but must stay at arms length and I could have no visitors, no flowers, no fresh fruit, no fresh vegetables but all I heard was no visitors. I could not imagine going through such a storm without a support group especially with the wonderful support group I was blessed with. My mind was whirling and Wes and I definitely had many questions and the Drs. had no answers.

Each time Dr. Carr comes in with a little more of the story from the biopsy, everyone seems more puzzled mainly this damage to the blood happens way down the road from cancer and chemo and I had just a 6 month window. The treatment for the beginning remains the same, strong chemo to kill the bone marrow and then try to make it come back healthy and if that fails we will be looking at a bone marrow transplant with my brother being the first one to look at and if that's not a match we will look at a huge pool including my family, friends, and people I don't even know. That is down the road, at least a few weeks, so we will cross that bridge when we get to it. God will provide. Meanwhile, a long list of blood donors is being handled by a dear nurse friend at church so that I can have fresh blood and not have to put a drain on the local blood bank. Seems I am facing many more transfusions.

Just one day or as I learned yesterday one moment, there is just too much to process and a long road ahead that seems to be all consuming. I continue to cling to my sweet Jesus because I realize the times will be rough and way more than I can handle.

My first full day in the hospital found me not believing this was really happening-my devotional was a passage from the Ps. as David poured his heart out to the Lord. (Ps. 88: 12, 18 and Ps. 142:6) Father, I am struggling. I feel that you have taken my companions and loved ones from me; the darkness is my closest friend. Lord show me wonders in this place of darkness and reveal to me Your righteousness in this land of oblivion. Let them draw me to your light. Please come and rescue me. Be my closest companion and my dearest loved one. Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need; rescue me from those who pursue me, for they are strong for me.

As I poured my heart out to my Jesus and ask for comfort, Dr. Carr came in to visit and said she felt she was too harsh with the restrictions and I could have a few visitors but very few or she would revoke privileges again. It is certainly not an open door policy but much better than before. I have a small connection with my support group, but small is better than nothing. Still can't hug but can at least wave and talk. Thank you Jesus for this gift!

As I face this new journey I don't know where I am going or when it will end or what will be the outcome, I just know as before I am not alone but Jesus is carrying me even now and He carries Wes, and all my children and their sweet families. This time there have been many tears, and fears and what ifs but that sweet peace that only God can give is present and felt by all of us. My sweet Wes continues to hold me up and encourage me, we just cling to each other. I love him so!!!

Once again, I covet your prayers for strength for me and of course my family and friends. As I said to Marshall there has never been anything I couldn't do with God's help and this is no exception. I can do this I have much prayer support and it continues to grow day by day. My main prayer is that no matter what, God would be glorified and His faithfulness will be shown each day. I will continue to blog and share with you where my journey takes me and what wonderful things God reveals to me day by day.

As always I leave you with a scripture: Ps. 37: 39-40 --- Lord God, You are my stronghold in time of trouble. Help me and deliver me; deliver me from the wicked and save me, because I take refuge in You. Amen

God is good--------all the time!!!!!!!!!!!!

Still alive

It has been forever since I have posted and my kids remind me often that everyone will think something is wrong. Just the opposite, I am doing great and just continue to get stronger and stronger everyday. I still fight fatigue but that is really the only side effect of the treatments. They told me that it would take a year to get back to feeling normal (whatever that is) and of course I thought not me I will bounce back quickly. They were correct even though I have a hard time admitting that. I poop out much quicker and don't bounce back nearly as fast as I would like to. I have added more hours at work and really feel better about that. I definitely need a quick nap after work and then I can finish the day better, for me and everyone else-especially Wes!



My hair is slowly growing back, about a 1/2 inch long now. It is very white and has some dark blotches here and there, frankly it looks like a Dalmatian dog but at least it's hair and I will take it! I have already told my sweet hair dresser that as soon as it gets long enough get the dye ready-I refuse to have grey hair even though I am an old lady. Seems it grows so slow-I remember when I had to go to get my hair cut and colored every 3 weeks and I thought it grew so fast but really when you are starting all over it takes FOREVER. Maybe by the summer I will feel more comfortable and can not wear these precious little wigs I have (praise God for them though). My eyebrows have come back, sparse as they are,and my eyelashes too. I still glue those cute false eyelashes on daily and have become an expert at drawing on my eyebrows. Amazing the talents one cultivates because of the side effects of chemo.



I also purchased a "funky" darker, and longer wig to make things a little more interesting. It does break up the monotony of having the same look everyday. I figured I had many more months ahead of no hair so I might as well have a look that my own hair would never do. Wes loves it and thinks he has a new woman. He continues to be such a wonderful support to me in this journey, I often wonder if he tires of all this but he never complains and is such a great helpmate. I love him so!!!!!!!!!!!

Another side effect is bruses under my fingernails, not all of the but most. They seem to be bruised underneath and some of them seem to have spots where they have lifted from the skin. Thank you Lord for nail polish, which I have worn for years, that covers the ugliness. Hopefully time will heal that and they will someday return to normal.

Our Christmas was wonderful, wild and crazy. All the kids and spouses were home and of course our sweet Shiloh was such a joy. Santa came and the house was filled with loudness, laughter, and lots of fun and food. It is so hard to see everyone go and the house is so big and quiet again until next time. I thank God for every second we have with them and look forward to the next time.



Speaking of Christmas, my sweet husband surprised me with the gift of an Alaskan Cruise in July. What a surprise it was and I can't wait! We leave July 1 and for 7 days we will join some long time friends and see Alaska. I just hope I don't freeze, just plan to layer up and enjoy every second.



I go back to the doctor for counts and update on February 15. Have many questions about followups and how to avoid having to take this journey again. I learned so much but I certainly don't want to revisit again. I look back and realize at the time I never realized how incredibly hard the journey was. I guess you just get through it and do what you have to do. I realize above all that I was carried through the whole journey by my Jesus, and I thank God for that. I never would have made it without Him. He has given me a whole new ministry as so many have come to me with the same journey or names have been given me and I am able to talk with them and tell them what I learned and how to make their journey perhaps a little easier. Funny how He always calls us to share what we have learned with others and let them know that they too can be carried by the same Savior. We must always give back-never keep it to ourselves.

Lord God, it is because You love me and keep Your Word that You brought me out with a mighty hand and redeemed me from the land of slavery, from the power of the Pharaoh of this world. Help me to absolutely know therefore that you, the Lord my God, are God, keeping Your covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love You and keep Your commands (Deut. 7:8-9)
Lord, I have the assurance of Your Word that after I have suffered a little while You, the God of all grace who called me to Your eternal glory in Christ, will restore me and make me strong, firm and steadfast. (1 Pet. 5:10)

Lord, bring on the restoration and strongness, I am sooooooooooo ready.

God is good----------------all the time!