Seems like I cannot regain the strength I had before. I am just not prepared to stay down and I am not! I pledge to drag myself, if need be, to whatever I need to do. God alone knows I would go crazy if I have to hibernate-I will just rely on Him to carry me.
The sores in my mouth feel like footballs but I have learned to be a big girl and swallow that nasty mouthwash I got from the doctor. It does give periods of numbness and that is a relief.
On an up note it is a beautiful day and fall is in the air. I am so thankful for seasons so we don't get bored with the same old thing. Also my baby son, Marshall, is coming home for a while and I am soooooooo looking forward to that. He can do his studies on line so he can be here for a while to help out. I wish all of my children were here, I do miss them so when they are away. I think maybe we should all live together on a commune so we could at least see each other daily. Just to be able to see them and know all is well means so much. I can't say how proud I am of each of them and their families.
Listen to these words from David: Praise be to You, Lord, for You showed Your wonderful love to me when I was in a besieged city (Ps. 31:21). Me too, David, I am in a "besieged city" but what a comfort to know that God is bigger than any besieger there is! I am well aware that whatever troubles we have here on this earth are all worth it because we will see glory in heaven. And, those troubles only make us stronger Christians to do whatever He has waiting for us up ahead.
So I fix my eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal (2Cor. 4:17-18) I know this besieger is not eternal, our life after is-Praise God for His promises.
God is good----------all the time! susan
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
Some days are just hard!
Some days it's just hard to get out of bed and go on with daily activities. I realize how some people on chemo would just go to bed and not get up until all the stuff was over. Fortunately I am not made that way and when that feeling hit this morning I reminded myself to get my tail out of bed, get in the shower and go to work where I belonged. These days are days when I could be me focused and I realize that I must be God focused and ask what I can do for Him that day.
Always at work there are smiling faces that welcome me and wonderful customers that come in and are so glad to see all of us at the store. God knows what I need on these days and I am so grateful for that.
Praise God the nausea has subsided and no more headaches. I have aches in my joints, and the inside of my mouth feels like dogs sleep in it nightly and that never goes away. All food taste like cardboard but somehow I just keep eating so I won't get weak. I seem to be a bit off balanced (funny I know but a little more than usual). The tips of my fingers feel like leather and are beginning to peel. I will say I am tired beyond description as well. All of this is normal and will go away with time. None of these things is something I can't deal with-it's not eternal-and is a small price to pay for the destruction of any renegade cells floating around in this ol' body.
I don't want this to sound like a pity party because it's not. Just a dialogue so you know what it is like to have chemo, especially anyone else you know. The food being brought is a God send and of course the cards are so welcomed and I so look forward to them. Friends are more special than ever and then there is my remarkable family. The kids have been wonderful and always there for me. Then there is my beloved Wes, always there and never complaining and always uplifting and loving me through it all. I love you so much!!!!!!!!!!!
Then of course there is my God, who continues to hold me up with His hands and carries me when I can't go anymore. What would I do without that faith that grows daily. He is my rock and my redeemer and because of Him I know I can face tomorrow!
But I trust in You O Lord, I say, "You are my God". My times are in Your hands; deliver me from my enemies and from those who pursue me. Let Your face shine on Your servant; save me in Your unfailing love. (Ps. 31:13-16). How I thank You, Lord, for having the power to turn any curse into a blessing for me, because You, the Lord my God, loves me (Deut. 23:5). Amen
God is good----------all the time! susan
Always at work there are smiling faces that welcome me and wonderful customers that come in and are so glad to see all of us at the store. God knows what I need on these days and I am so grateful for that.
Praise God the nausea has subsided and no more headaches. I have aches in my joints, and the inside of my mouth feels like dogs sleep in it nightly and that never goes away. All food taste like cardboard but somehow I just keep eating so I won't get weak. I seem to be a bit off balanced (funny I know but a little more than usual). The tips of my fingers feel like leather and are beginning to peel. I will say I am tired beyond description as well. All of this is normal and will go away with time. None of these things is something I can't deal with-it's not eternal-and is a small price to pay for the destruction of any renegade cells floating around in this ol' body.
I don't want this to sound like a pity party because it's not. Just a dialogue so you know what it is like to have chemo, especially anyone else you know. The food being brought is a God send and of course the cards are so welcomed and I so look forward to them. Friends are more special than ever and then there is my remarkable family. The kids have been wonderful and always there for me. Then there is my beloved Wes, always there and never complaining and always uplifting and loving me through it all. I love you so much!!!!!!!!!!!
Then of course there is my God, who continues to hold me up with His hands and carries me when I can't go anymore. What would I do without that faith that grows daily. He is my rock and my redeemer and because of Him I know I can face tomorrow!
But I trust in You O Lord, I say, "You are my God". My times are in Your hands; deliver me from my enemies and from those who pursue me. Let Your face shine on Your servant; save me in Your unfailing love. (Ps. 31:13-16). How I thank You, Lord, for having the power to turn any curse into a blessing for me, because You, the Lord my God, loves me (Deut. 23:5). Amen
God is good----------all the time! susan
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
HALF WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Praises, I am half way through my chemo, really more than that because my next appointment will be in 2 weeks and then I will have chemo every Tuesday for 4 weeks. This will be a different medicine, no nausea, no headaches-just tingling in fingers and toes and "loose stools"-bring on the depends! Dr. Carr did tell me I probably would be more tired and that I am anemic again so that will be more tired but it is almost over. Just pray my counts stay up so I can get this over with and move on.
I marvel at how well my body has really done through this whole ordeal. I see so many people that can't even function through these treatments. So far God has allowed me to keep going and lead a quality life with family and friends. What a mighty God we serve, He never sleeps or slumbers and is very true to His promise that He will never leave us or forsake us! This is one grateful child of God!
We are doing David Nasser's A CALL TO DIE along with the youth at church. One of the days lessons was on God's grace and why He allows suffering in our lives since we are His children. I loved what it said and want to share some of his words with you. I challenge you to get this book and allow yourself to be carried through it-not easy but very wise words!
"Pain produces character in our lives like no amount of pleasure possibly can..........When we go to Him in desperation, our ears and our hearts are more open to Him than ever before.................Failure and rejection have a way of stripping us of dependence on our own abilities. We realize we can't accomplish a thing apart from God's direction and power. As our motives are purified and our faith grows, we are better able to rest in and trust in God's hands. This will allow us to become more useful in His loving hands.
I sure wish these lessons could be given by injection, but they are learned only in the tough school of suffering..............I'm talking about the specific trials that God allows us to go through to make to make us more like Christ. It doesn't happen just once. Resistance and repetition of exercise makes muscles grow. Suffering and repetition of trusting God in those painful times makes our faith grow in Him.
God is much more interested in our faith in Him growing than in our comfort and pleasure. Are we?" I pray that my faith may grow by leaps and bounds as I go through this fiery furnace. Thank you God for the furnace.
God is good--------------all the time! susan
I marvel at how well my body has really done through this whole ordeal. I see so many people that can't even function through these treatments. So far God has allowed me to keep going and lead a quality life with family and friends. What a mighty God we serve, He never sleeps or slumbers and is very true to His promise that He will never leave us or forsake us! This is one grateful child of God!
We are doing David Nasser's A CALL TO DIE along with the youth at church. One of the days lessons was on God's grace and why He allows suffering in our lives since we are His children. I loved what it said and want to share some of his words with you. I challenge you to get this book and allow yourself to be carried through it-not easy but very wise words!
"Pain produces character in our lives like no amount of pleasure possibly can..........When we go to Him in desperation, our ears and our hearts are more open to Him than ever before.................Failure and rejection have a way of stripping us of dependence on our own abilities. We realize we can't accomplish a thing apart from God's direction and power. As our motives are purified and our faith grows, we are better able to rest in and trust in God's hands. This will allow us to become more useful in His loving hands.
I sure wish these lessons could be given by injection, but they are learned only in the tough school of suffering..............I'm talking about the specific trials that God allows us to go through to make to make us more like Christ. It doesn't happen just once. Resistance and repetition of exercise makes muscles grow. Suffering and repetition of trusting God in those painful times makes our faith grow in Him.
God is much more interested in our faith in Him growing than in our comfort and pleasure. Are we?" I pray that my faith may grow by leaps and bounds as I go through this fiery furnace. Thank you God for the furnace.
God is good--------------all the time! susan
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
So Sad-life goes on!
Such a great visit with baby Shiloh and Weslee! We so enjoyed them while they were here but it is so hard to send them back to there home to carry on. I love to see them in there homes though and now that they are suppose to be there and God does great things with them daily.
Shiloh has grown so much and is so much fun to watch her explore and learn new things every minute of the day. I know she will be a great woman of God and a wonderful example to others. That is my prayer daily for her. Use her God-use her!
This is an off week from chemo and I can't help but think so much during these weeks as I get my strength back one day at a time. God is teaching me daily as I walk this journey. Through the years I have tried to develop the habit of asking God, what do you want me to learn from this Lord, instead of the human side of me wanting to say, this sucks why me. He is revealing to me what I am to learn and it is a new world everyday. As we walk with the Lord we as His followers are to be stripped clean of all worldly things and become new creatures-this no doubt is a daily process, moment by moment calling ourselves back to what is really important and asking God to show us what He wants us to become for Him. As a cancer-chemo patient I am being stripped clean with everyday that passes. I don't ask for sympathy in saying that, I say that to be reminded as I see myself in the mirror of what is really important. Much like Job as he lost parts of his life one thing at a time, I too lose little bits and pieces, just enough that with God's help I can handle those losses. With each loss I become stronger and learn to lean even more heavily on God so that I don't fall apart and think I can't do this. He reminds me with each loss, I CAN do this and I CAN remain strong. I can continue to smile and bring joy to those I come in contact with-I can continue to strive to look the best I can, even if I have to rely on fake boobs, a wig and fake eye lashes. I can continue to serve the Lord at church and receive joy from doing so. I can continue to enjoy my family and friends even on days I feel bad. Most of all I can continue to be a child of the King and be proud to say that I can do all these things because Christ gives me the strength He promised and I can call on that strength every moment of every day! Praise Him that I have been stripped and He continues to teach me daily my power comes from Him, and He will be glorified through this process.
A special friend shared this scripture with me-
The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing. Zephania 3:17
Lord I hear You singing and I love the sound!
God is good--------------all the time! susan
Shiloh has grown so much and is so much fun to watch her explore and learn new things every minute of the day. I know she will be a great woman of God and a wonderful example to others. That is my prayer daily for her. Use her God-use her!
This is an off week from chemo and I can't help but think so much during these weeks as I get my strength back one day at a time. God is teaching me daily as I walk this journey. Through the years I have tried to develop the habit of asking God, what do you want me to learn from this Lord, instead of the human side of me wanting to say, this sucks why me. He is revealing to me what I am to learn and it is a new world everyday. As we walk with the Lord we as His followers are to be stripped clean of all worldly things and become new creatures-this no doubt is a daily process, moment by moment calling ourselves back to what is really important and asking God to show us what He wants us to become for Him. As a cancer-chemo patient I am being stripped clean with everyday that passes. I don't ask for sympathy in saying that, I say that to be reminded as I see myself in the mirror of what is really important. Much like Job as he lost parts of his life one thing at a time, I too lose little bits and pieces, just enough that with God's help I can handle those losses. With each loss I become stronger and learn to lean even more heavily on God so that I don't fall apart and think I can't do this. He reminds me with each loss, I CAN do this and I CAN remain strong. I can continue to smile and bring joy to those I come in contact with-I can continue to strive to look the best I can, even if I have to rely on fake boobs, a wig and fake eye lashes. I can continue to serve the Lord at church and receive joy from doing so. I can continue to enjoy my family and friends even on days I feel bad. Most of all I can continue to be a child of the King and be proud to say that I can do all these things because Christ gives me the strength He promised and I can call on that strength every moment of every day! Praise Him that I have been stripped and He continues to teach me daily my power comes from Him, and He will be glorified through this process.
A special friend shared this scripture with me-
The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing. Zephania 3:17
Lord I hear You singing and I love the sound!
God is good--------------all the time! susan
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My surprise last night from Wes was Shiloh and Weslee flew in! So good to see that precious baby. A great surprise to the end of a chemo day. She is so precious and it is so fun just watching her run all over the house. I am just enjoying them and getting ready to go to get fluids for this nausea stuff. Really wiped out today but added energy from sweet Shiloh. She is a precious distraction!
Peace You leave with me. Your peace You give me. You do not give to me as the world gives. My heart need not be troubled or afraid. (John 14: 26-27)
I will not be troubled Lord, no matter what lies ahead, for I know you have been there and are making a way for me. Praise You in the storm.
God is good----------------------all the time, susan
Peace You leave with me. Your peace You give me. You do not give to me as the world gives. My heart need not be troubled or afraid. (John 14: 26-27)
I will not be troubled Lord, no matter what lies ahead, for I know you have been there and are making a way for me. Praise You in the storm.
God is good----------------------all the time, susan
Monday, September 6, 2010
Round 3-here we go!
Tomorrow will be my third round of chemo and I will honestly say I am not looking forward to it. Seems I am just now feeling better from the last one. BUT it brings me that much closer to being finished so I will not complain.
Still am so thankful for such a wonderful support system, so many friends, relatives, and cheerleaders all around me. I really don't know how people do this without that. All I know is that God has certainly blessed me with a lot of people to hold me up and I am one thankful person!
Of course I can never brag enough about the love of my life, Wes as he continues to stand by me and never wavers. He still can look at me-breastless and bald-and tells me I am beautiful and that he loves me. He is definitely a huge blessing and a wonderful gift that God has given me. I love him so!!!!!!!!!!!
Father God, I commit myself and my suffering to You, my faithful Creator, and I will continue to do good (1 Pet.4:19). For I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that You are able to guard what I have entrusted to You for that day (2 Tim. 1:12).
Lord, I entrust tomorrow to You fully. Give me strength Lord and keep me from dreading this so much because I KNOW I can do this and complete all the treatments. Help me finish strong! I know that you are going before me and for that I am thankful.
God is good-------------all the time! susan
Still am so thankful for such a wonderful support system, so many friends, relatives, and cheerleaders all around me. I really don't know how people do this without that. All I know is that God has certainly blessed me with a lot of people to hold me up and I am one thankful person!
Of course I can never brag enough about the love of my life, Wes as he continues to stand by me and never wavers. He still can look at me-breastless and bald-and tells me I am beautiful and that he loves me. He is definitely a huge blessing and a wonderful gift that God has given me. I love him so!!!!!!!!!!!
Father God, I commit myself and my suffering to You, my faithful Creator, and I will continue to do good (1 Pet.4:19). For I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that You are able to guard what I have entrusted to You for that day (2 Tim. 1:12).
Lord, I entrust tomorrow to You fully. Give me strength Lord and keep me from dreading this so much because I KNOW I can do this and complete all the treatments. Help me finish strong! I know that you are going before me and for that I am thankful.
God is good-------------all the time! susan
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Am I old or is chemo just bad!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This has been a pretty rough week, I'm not gonna lie! Last chemo I seemed to bounce back by the second week but this time I'm not bouncing very high, but I AM still doing my stuff! Not sure if it is my age or just that chemo just takes a lot out of you. Seems to attack every area of your body at one time or another. I know it has to do that so that all the cancer cells can be found and destroyed so I know feeling yukky is a small price to pay. So I say "bring it on"!
Next week I will do my third round and I am praying for strength and lots of bounce.
Yesterday was great, had ladies luncheon at church and a wonderful time of fellowship with about 45 ladies. We collected baby supplies and clothes for Buckner and had some of the cutest stuff you have ever seen, AND collected over $300 toward the purchase of car seats for moms in need. Way to go Crestview ladies, so glad to be able to be a part of that ministry.
We are in full swing for our annual Home for the Holidays on Oct. 23! Wow can't believe it's time but so glad I am able to do my thing in that area. Please Lord let me finish this task strong-I so love it.
God continues to be my stronghold in the midst of all of this. I continue to remind myself that no matter where I am going He has been there before me and has and will continue to straighten the paths. What a comfort that is to know He is my constant companion and has blessed me with a strong family and many friends who accompany me on this journey.
Father God, I commit myself and my suffering to You, my faithful Creator, and I will continue to do good (1Pet.4:19). For I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that You are able to guard what I have entrusted to You for that day (2 Tim. 1:12)
Father, I entrust to You the next weeks of this battle-hold me up Lord, hold me up!
God is good----------------all the time. susan
Next week I will do my third round and I am praying for strength and lots of bounce.
Yesterday was great, had ladies luncheon at church and a wonderful time of fellowship with about 45 ladies. We collected baby supplies and clothes for Buckner and had some of the cutest stuff you have ever seen, AND collected over $300 toward the purchase of car seats for moms in need. Way to go Crestview ladies, so glad to be able to be a part of that ministry.
We are in full swing for our annual Home for the Holidays on Oct. 23! Wow can't believe it's time but so glad I am able to do my thing in that area. Please Lord let me finish this task strong-I so love it.
God continues to be my stronghold in the midst of all of this. I continue to remind myself that no matter where I am going He has been there before me and has and will continue to straighten the paths. What a comfort that is to know He is my constant companion and has blessed me with a strong family and many friends who accompany me on this journey.
Father God, I commit myself and my suffering to You, my faithful Creator, and I will continue to do good (1Pet.4:19). For I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that You are able to guard what I have entrusted to You for that day (2 Tim. 1:12)
Father, I entrust to You the next weeks of this battle-hold me up Lord, hold me up!
God is good----------------all the time. susan
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