A New Day

Yesterday seemed like the end of the world and today was a bit better. God does have a way of taking His big 'ol hand and lifting us up with a pat on the back and saying now start again. And so----------I did!

I had another bone marrow biopsy at about 8:30 this morning. This one went so much better and I did not feel a thing. Dr. Carr was very encouraging this morning and said I was right on schedule and my body was just reacting how most peoples do and that mine was not as bad as some people have. I will continue to have infections pop up every day and they will continue to treat each one as individual. She definitely calms me down and is so positive, I tend to be much more positive.

I know I can get through this. I know there will be many more down days but as Dr. Carr said we will get you through this! She said people in the younger age bracket tend to do worse and people in the older age bracket (notice I am not there!)tend to do worse. But people in our age bracket follow a much better regimen.I am of course anxious for the results but the doctor is confident it will show 0 cells

Wes is having a colonoscopy tomorrow and is very anxious because a dear friend of ours was diagnosed a month ago with colon cancer. I know he will be fine and God holds him in the palm of His hand as well. Marshall will be taking care of him tomorrow so anyone reading this need needs to be praying for peace for Wes and his anxiousness.

Ps 94:19 says Lord, when doubts fill my mind, when my heart is in turmoil, quiet me and give me renewed hope and cheer. That's what God did for me last night. I know how Job felt because if I would have had an ash heap I would have sat on it and rubbed it in my hair but God heard my cry and gave me renewed hope today.One day at a time! Faith for the moment.

God is good--------------all the time!

HARD DAYS

Seems I have a good day and the next I hit rock bottom or maybe I'm not there yet I don't know. This journey is getting harder by the day and I am not nearly as strong as I thought I was. God must be carrying me otherwise I think my choice would be to just lay here and pray for death. It would be easier I am sure.

I continue to get up every morning and dress for the day because I know if I stop that I truly will be miserable. My family continues to rally and be a wonderful support. Since my counts are at 0 other visitors have been cut off. Infections continue to set in. One is a blood infection and I ran fever for a few days but one antibiotic took care of that evidently. I have been fever free for about 48 hours now-woohoo-that is always good. Have a spot on my leg that looks infected in the skin, weird,doctor put me on another antibiotic to wipe out staff. That scares me but I know it will take care of it. As gross as it sounds I have had diarrhea for about five days and mouth sores on top of mouth sores. I am so full of medicine my head is swimming all the time and have a hard time keeping my thought processes straight. This disease has taken my body captive but I swear I am not giving up. I know this sounds like I am overwhelmed and I am but I am not defeated and will not give up. As Marshall says you can loose a few battles but not the war mom.

I find myself praying for such simple physical things to my Jesus, like being able to eat a few bites of food and not going to the bathroom in 10 minutes. We so do take our health and contact with the outside world and friends for granted. I would even welcome feeling the feeling of 105 degree weather and dusty wind of West Texas. The warm sunshine coming in the windows in the mornings feels so good on me. I would love to be able to hold my grand baby and kiss her chubby cheeks, hug Wes and kiss him and not have him worry about getting me sick, and of course hugging my sweet children and these precious nurses who tirelessly take care of my every need. Anyone who is reading this now needs to go and hug a friend or loved one because just that physical touch means so much. We don't realize that until it is taken away for a while. I know that God will give that to me again and I long for those days to come sooner than later. Also to be able to wake up to the day and know that I will feel good and enjoy the day. We do take so much of life for granted!

This scripture seems to tell the story of my body right now but I am confident a new day is coming: (Hab.3: 17-19) Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in You, my Lord. I will be joyful in God my Savior. For You, Lord are my strength. You make my feet like the feet of a deer. You enable me to go on the heights. Father I know you will eventually take me to heights far exceeding the depths that I am experiencing at this moment. They just seem so deep Lord.
(Rom. 5:3) Father, continue to bring me along so that I can rejoice in my sufferings, because I know suffering produces perseverance.

Tomorrow will be a new day and my prayer will be a better one with a stronger attitude. I need to be a stronger warrior than these last few days. I trust that my Lord will continue to carry me as he has always done. Praise Him for His mighty power! I shall make Him proud.

God is good------all the time!!!!!!!!!!!

Beautiful day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday seemed to be such a downer and I know that so much of that was in my heart but God makes each day new and lets us start over. I am starting over today and so much better.

Yesterday I felt physically bad and that pulls our spirits down but it seemed the whole world was blowing up around here. Besides all the hospital stuff Midland was on fire all on the north side of town and the winds were blowing around 50 mph and pushed the fire over 4000 acres right to the back door of our brand new church building. They had to evacuate the church of all the staff and the day care kids and fight the fire with all kinds of stuff. Praise God He protected the building and the fire came to the walls of the church and they were able to put it out. Nothing was scorched but the flower beds. Wish I could have seen all those armies of angels holding back those flames. God's people were all on their knees pleading for protection and God heard the prayers of His people. So thankful He saw fit to spare our new building as well as protection for all the homes and businesses around that end of town.

Some of the nurses here had families that were being evacuated and they of course had to stay here and take care of us sickies. I am so thankful no one was hurt. It was a chance to share that we all were praying for each other and lifting each other up. God's people are everywhere-praise Him!

As all of this was going on my son, Marshall and son-in-law Zach were in Dallas and the weather was terrible. Tornadoes in their back yard and hale on the way. Thankfully they were spared and just had videos of tornadoes in the air and not on the ground. What a crazy day-glad all is well! So thankful.

Dr. Carr came in today with some good news. The leukemia is an intermediate kind. There is poor, intermediate, and good. She said they were expecting mine to be poor but good news it is intermediate which means it hopefully will respond easier to treatment. The pathologist was surprised and so was she and of course we are holding to small steps and that was one-Thanks Lord for the small steps-we'll take it. One more day of the 24-7 chemo drip and then we wait for the platelets to wipe out and begin to pull up hopefully. Tiredness ahead but I am praying that I can pull through and still feel like a human and continue to enjoy life as it is now.

Today is definitely a new day and I am enjoying it

Matthew 8:26 says Christ Jesus, before You rebuked the winds and the waves, You asked Your disciples, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Father help me not to be afraid and keep my faith stronger than it has ever been. I want to be able for others to see your works through me-use me Father. Help me to be a light in this hospital. I want to shine for you!

God is good-----------all the time!!

Days Continue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On day 5 of hospital stay! I am finished with the first round of the bad chemo that has side effects you don't want to hear about.. Made it through okay and my hair is still intact and am praying for a miracle in that area! I am hooked up to the other chemo that is killing my bone marrow on a 24/7 schedule.

My counts continue to fall but I haven't had to have a blood transfusion and platelets for two days but I don't know if that is good or bad because they want the bone marrow dead and not producing. My dear friends continue to line up to give blood and platelets so they will be fresh and better. I can't say enough about our support that God has provided for us-so sweet and loving and giving and eager to do whatever is necessary to hold our family up. How sweet is our Jesus to supply that!
We all are holding up well. Weslee and my sweet Shiloh are here although I am not allowed to see Shiloh and that is hard but she holds up her PopPop and that has been great for Wes. He needed someone at home to cook for him and keep the wash done and Weslee does that great. During the day she can come sit with me and keep me company. Wes was doing so good but I know it put a strain on him and trying to keep up with his job as well. Weslee really picks up the slack as Melissia is still in school and I remember how overwhelming that is, she always comes to see me after school though no matter how trying or tireing her day was. Marshall will be here at the end of the week and all my chickens will be home and that is conforting. We all meet storms together much better. I am so blessed with wonderful children and the best man on the face of the earth. The girls husbands have been so sweet as I know they are taking back seats in all of this. They have been wonderful-Zach and Josh yall are the best son-in-laws ever and I love you both dearly.

Wes does look so tired and worried. We are all just wondering what lies around the corner for this journey. It is just so strange not to know what to expect with treatment or results but that only makes us more dependent on our God for guidance for the doctor's and for my life! I pray we will continue to hold to Him in this overwhelming storm. Some days it seems so huge and and so much bigger that any of us, which it is and that is so scarry! Seems the doctors can't get us information fast enough and the internet is just too scarry. Wes does understand all the information they give us-I on the other hand am completely ignorant and understand very little of the scientific explanations and outcomes. I so need him here when Dr. Carr comes so he can understand for both of us. Thank goodness she understands that and is so gracious.

I feel more fatigued today and just kind of out of body-just off as Weslee says but I am reminded that five days of straight chemo will do that to a person. I pray I can continue to hold up and not get so low-I so want to be functional and be able to fight as the Lord holds me up!

I so want to be a warrior and call on the Lord to hold me up as He did with the warriors of the Old Testament. Lord hold my arms as I fight this battle with your strength and dignity. I pray I can overcome this invador as I fight with you by my side. I do feel you carrying me more and more each day. Thank you that I know you are always there no matter where I am or what I face. Make me strong!

Love this verse out of Isaiah 40:28-31, You, my Lord, are the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. You will not grow tired or weary, and Your understanding no one can fathom. You give strength to the weary and increase the power of the weak.


Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but when I hope in you, O, Lord my strength will be renewed. I will soar on wings like eagles; I will run and not grow weary, I will walk and not faint.


Jeremiah 32:17 Ah, Sovereign Lord, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for You!





God is good---------------all the time!

New journey and this time a real storm

Well here I am again returning to what got me through a hard time before. It's time for some deep therapy again and will use this sight for that.

God has another journey for me, this one being much different and even tougher than the first with breast cancer. That did seem a bad dream but He carried me through and I seemed to be doing great. Sailed through the first check up in February and had begun to work my old schedule at Merle Norman and it felt so good to be among the world and busy with my church work and regular work again. I had my second check up on Monday the 16 of this month, May. Really felt everything would be good, of course I had some concerns especially about the spot under my arm from the surgery but we had already sonogram ed it and the result was fluid and blood filled pocket from the mastectomy, I figured a sonogram and them maybe cutting it out at the worst. About a month ago I had noticed I seemed to be bruising for no apparent reason-probably just old age I thought-after all I had turned 60 on March the 23.

My checkup quickly turned into a nightmare when Dr. Carr looked at my blood counts and they were a "mess" as she said. Seems they were as low as if I was in the middle of chemo treatments again and that had ended 6 months ago. She immediately scheduled a bone marrow biopsy in the next room before I could go home. She obviously knew and so did we that something was up. By the way if anyone ever says bone marrow biopsy to you run unless you are out cold and know nothing about what is going on. I would have all 3 of my babies naturally one after the other before that will happen again. I will face more but she assured me I would be out and never feel a thing. Praise God for that good news! I had another appointment schedule for Wednesday for another blood count session and then on Friday for more blood tests and another appointment with my sweet Dr. Never made it to even the scheduled appointment on Wednesday. Dr. Carr called me at 8:30 on Wednesday and had come in on her day off to meet with me with preliminary results. I woke up Melissia and called Wes to meet us at her office. Had a feeling it was not good news. She had told us previously she was looking for more breast cancer cells, Leukemia, or bone marrow displacia. Those all sounded bad so for the first time I really didn't know what to pray for. Just strength to handle whatever I was facing. When I got to her office she took my hand and gently told me I had leukemia and began telling me all the huge names and explanations for what they had found in preliminary reports. When Wes arrived she started over and I still didn't understand very much but it was bad and I had a long road ahead of me. I was scheduled to check into the hospital on Thursday morning for a minimum of 30 day hospital stay and chemo pretty much around the clock and a second treatment each day. That first day I had an ecocardiogram, chest xray, and Hickman pic line placement, platelet blood transfusion, and one shock after another. However God carried us through each one and I began my stay in a sterile environment. Dr Carr said my family could come in but must stay at arms length and I could have no visitors, no flowers, no fresh fruit, no fresh vegetables but all I heard was no visitors. I could not imagine going through such a storm without a support group especially with the wonderful support group I was blessed with. My mind was whirling and Wes and I definitely had many questions and the Drs. had no answers.

Each time Dr. Carr comes in with a little more of the story from the biopsy, everyone seems more puzzled mainly this damage to the blood happens way down the road from cancer and chemo and I had just a 6 month window. The treatment for the beginning remains the same, strong chemo to kill the bone marrow and then try to make it come back healthy and if that fails we will be looking at a bone marrow transplant with my brother being the first one to look at and if that's not a match we will look at a huge pool including my family, friends, and people I don't even know. That is down the road, at least a few weeks, so we will cross that bridge when we get to it. God will provide. Meanwhile, a long list of blood donors is being handled by a dear nurse friend at church so that I can have fresh blood and not have to put a drain on the local blood bank. Seems I am facing many more transfusions.

Just one day or as I learned yesterday one moment, there is just too much to process and a long road ahead that seems to be all consuming. I continue to cling to my sweet Jesus because I realize the times will be rough and way more than I can handle.

My first full day in the hospital found me not believing this was really happening-my devotional was a passage from the Ps. as David poured his heart out to the Lord. (Ps. 88: 12, 18 and Ps. 142:6) Father, I am struggling. I feel that you have taken my companions and loved ones from me; the darkness is my closest friend. Lord show me wonders in this place of darkness and reveal to me Your righteousness in this land of oblivion. Let them draw me to your light. Please come and rescue me. Be my closest companion and my dearest loved one. Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need; rescue me from those who pursue me, for they are strong for me.

As I poured my heart out to my Jesus and ask for comfort, Dr. Carr came in to visit and said she felt she was too harsh with the restrictions and I could have a few visitors but very few or she would revoke privileges again. It is certainly not an open door policy but much better than before. I have a small connection with my support group, but small is better than nothing. Still can't hug but can at least wave and talk. Thank you Jesus for this gift!

As I face this new journey I don't know where I am going or when it will end or what will be the outcome, I just know as before I am not alone but Jesus is carrying me even now and He carries Wes, and all my children and their sweet families. This time there have been many tears, and fears and what ifs but that sweet peace that only God can give is present and felt by all of us. My sweet Wes continues to hold me up and encourage me, we just cling to each other. I love him so!!!

Once again, I covet your prayers for strength for me and of course my family and friends. As I said to Marshall there has never been anything I couldn't do with God's help and this is no exception. I can do this I have much prayer support and it continues to grow day by day. My main prayer is that no matter what, God would be glorified and His faithfulness will be shown each day. I will continue to blog and share with you where my journey takes me and what wonderful things God reveals to me day by day.

As always I leave you with a scripture: Ps. 37: 39-40 --- Lord God, You are my stronghold in time of trouble. Help me and deliver me; deliver me from the wicked and save me, because I take refuge in You. Amen

God is good--------all the time!!!!!!!!!!!!