Dr. Carr burst in the room on Saturday and announced my counts were normal and I was free to go! A very welcome early surprise and of course we were out of that room with triple the amount of stuff we came in with in record time. The nurses clapped and threw confetti on us as we left and outside I was met by a huge group of friends with signs and banners, many tears, prayers, songs, and thankfulness. What a wonderful feeling from the outside, heat, wind and West Texas dust but a blessing to me. Everyone else was sweating in 102 degree heat but it felt wonderful to me. Our fist stop was Sonic and it was wonderful to have real food outside the hospital.
I was scheduled to go back for blood work on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday but I enjoyed my Saturday night in my own bed and even went to church the next day. As I look back on that day it was really a blur and so foggy but I was there and it was good to be in a real seat and not have to listen on the computer. Nothing like being able to worship with people who have prayed for you so diligently and touch them again. I missed human touch and hugs so much-never take that for granted!
Went to the doctor on Monday morning and my counts were great-went again on Wednesday and saw Dr. Carr and she was so encouraging and released me for 8 days.
It is great to know that my body is doing what it is suppose to do and keeping up, a true miracle once again-God is using this every day!
My brother and sister-in-law came in on Monday and we had a blast just visiting and showing them around town. They even got to meet Dr. Carr and loved her as I do. We cherished every minute with them and were so sorry to see the go but it was a happy sad. We will see them soon.
Home has been wonderful but made me realize just how far I have to come back. The first few days I was so weak I wondered if I would ever feel somewhat normal again. Day by day little at a time my strength seems to be returning. I try to do one big goal a day and then nap so I will have some strength left for my sweet family. My body is still physically recovering from all the antiobiotics and chemo in the hospital. Weird but my legs are still swelling but seem to be slowing down a bit.
Even weirder all my skin is flaking off all over from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. I really never knew that I had that many layers of skin and I really hope I don't have to start over with that or I will be peeling forever-aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I feel like I have greased myself to death and it just keeps going.
Of course I don't have to say that my home is so much sweeter and the food taste so much better and the smells are so much more pleasing. Never take your surroundings for granted and cherish them and know that if you were away and couldn't be there for a time you would miss it. I love my family, friends, home, town, church and everyone who was so sweet to keep up and pray for me during that long stay.
I go back to see Dr.Carr on this Thursday and she will let me know the date to go back in the hospital for consolidation therapy to be sure none of the leukemia cells have returned. She wants to keep me in the hospital to moniter fevers and stuff. Not looking forward to it but after the month stay I know I can do this.
God continues to teach me day by day about His love, strength, and never letting me go. I praise Him everyday for the lessons and letting me walk through even the bad times because I know how good it feels on the other side.
2 Samuel 22:29-36 says it so well---You are my lamp, O Lord, the Lord turns my darkness into light. With Your help I can advance against a troop with my God I can scale a wall. As for you my God, Your way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. You are a shield for all who take refuge in You. For who is God besides You, Lord! And who is the Rock except my God. It is you God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. You make my feet like the feet of a deer; You enable me to stand in the heights. You train my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze. You give me Your shield of victory; You stoop down to make me great!
Lord help me never forget this and be reminded in the valleys and the mountains of your greatness and how each time because of you the victory is won-glory to your name Lord glory to your name.
God is good--------------all the time!
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
FROM THE DEPTHS INTO THE LIGHT-----FINALLY!
Seems so long since I have blogged but had a good reason, but am finally back among the land of the living and the want to be living! Last week was a long series of very dark days and very very sick ones. Seems I couldn't get over anythings-high fever, rashes all over and on top of each other, leg so swollen my brace dug into my leg, of course no hair, no taste, sores in mouth, no blood counts so no immunities. Pretty much a feeling of despair and giving up. I can remember a few nights of giving up and just asking the Lord to please end it and take me to be with Him where I could have peace again! Each day I would get up, put my makeup on and then go to bed and just be in survival mode. I had a hard time praying at all because I just was spent so I just threw myself at the feet of Jesus and ask that He please pick me up and put me in His lap and make it all better. I know He did even though at the time I couldn't feel it but I'm still here and am soooooooooooooo much better! Psalm 6 was where I was (the living Bible) "No, Lord don't punish me in the heat of your anger. Pity me, O Lord, for I am weak. Heal me, for my body is sick and I am upset and disturbed. My mind is filled with apprehension and with gloom. Oh, restore me soon. Come, O Lord, and make me well. In your kindness save me. For if I die I cannot give you glory by praising you before my friends. I am worn out with pain; every night my pillow is wet with tears. My eyes are growing old and dim with grief because of all my enemies. Go, leave me now, you men of evil deeds, for the Lord has heard my weeping and my pleading. He will answer all my prayers. All my enemies shall suddenly be dishonored, terror-stricken, and disgraced. God will turn them back in shame."
As I reflect on those feelings I realize that is the first time I have ever really given up and begged for mercy. Maybe that's what God wanted from me. Anyway I know He is not finished with me just yet and hope He made glory from my weakness at that point.
Finally the fevers began to break up on Sunday and especially on Monday. My counts began to climb on Monday morning and doubled each day as I began to get stronger and stronger, fever free, rashes are finally beginning to subside. Dr. Carr has taken me off all antibiotics am only on potassium because that is so low because of diarrhea which should clear up as soon as antibiotics clear out of system. She is talking about letting me go home on Sunday, Monday, or Tuesday depending on progress of recovery from meds. She said I could carry on life normally but assured me the fevers would return and I would have to come back in for more chemo and maintenance probably forever. No one knows the time frame but she was so positive and that is what Wes and Weslee heard and of course I heard the bad stuff, kindof freaked me out and I grieved all day because I guess I realized this was a forever thing and I would never have hair again and have periodic bouts with this all the time. I was feeling my mortality and that life as I knew it was over-scared everyone but all my family and friends were encouraging and listened and told me what I knew already but needed to hear again! Woke up yesterday a new woman with a good positive attitude again. Isn't it wonderful how God allows us to have pity parties and doesn't get in the way or be mad at us and accepts us back into His arms to rely on Him once again. Love it when He does that! He loves us so much and I praise Him for that.
So many up here at the hospital have said our family was such an inspiration to them and they have seen how Jesus has carried us through and kept our spirits up through the journey. They have become our family-we love them so and appreciate all the wonderful care we have received. They pray for us and we pray for them-as it should be.
Ps 18:28 You have turned on my light! The Lord my God has made my darkness turn to light. Now in Your strength I can scale any wall, attack any troops.
Is 40:28-31 He gives power to the tired and worn out, and strength to the weak. Even the youths shall be exhausted and the young men will all give up. But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not grow weary, they shall walk and not faint. I'm claiming it God help me!
God is good-----all the time!
As I reflect on those feelings I realize that is the first time I have ever really given up and begged for mercy. Maybe that's what God wanted from me. Anyway I know He is not finished with me just yet and hope He made glory from my weakness at that point.
Finally the fevers began to break up on Sunday and especially on Monday. My counts began to climb on Monday morning and doubled each day as I began to get stronger and stronger, fever free, rashes are finally beginning to subside. Dr. Carr has taken me off all antibiotics am only on potassium because that is so low because of diarrhea which should clear up as soon as antibiotics clear out of system. She is talking about letting me go home on Sunday, Monday, or Tuesday depending on progress of recovery from meds. She said I could carry on life normally but assured me the fevers would return and I would have to come back in for more chemo and maintenance probably forever. No one knows the time frame but she was so positive and that is what Wes and Weslee heard and of course I heard the bad stuff, kindof freaked me out and I grieved all day because I guess I realized this was a forever thing and I would never have hair again and have periodic bouts with this all the time. I was feeling my mortality and that life as I knew it was over-scared everyone but all my family and friends were encouraging and listened and told me what I knew already but needed to hear again! Woke up yesterday a new woman with a good positive attitude again. Isn't it wonderful how God allows us to have pity parties and doesn't get in the way or be mad at us and accepts us back into His arms to rely on Him once again. Love it when He does that! He loves us so much and I praise Him for that.
So many up here at the hospital have said our family was such an inspiration to them and they have seen how Jesus has carried us through and kept our spirits up through the journey. They have become our family-we love them so and appreciate all the wonderful care we have received. They pray for us and we pray for them-as it should be.
Ps 18:28 You have turned on my light! The Lord my God has made my darkness turn to light. Now in Your strength I can scale any wall, attack any troops.
Is 40:28-31 He gives power to the tired and worn out, and strength to the weak. Even the youths shall be exhausted and the young men will all give up. But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not grow weary, they shall walk and not faint. I'm claiming it God help me!
God is good-----all the time!
Friday, June 3, 2011
Two weeks down
I have been here two weeks-7days of chemo-4 days of another chemo-4 infections (one a real mystery)-hair out (again)-two more weeks ahead. Wow I'm exhausted how about you. Who would have thought all that could happen in 14 days. I am still here and feeling pretty good, just blessed to be alive and live to tell the story.
Yesterday my hair started to fall out again so my precious friend and hair dresser came and put it out of its misery and shaved it all off so we could get on with life. Back to wigs and beautiful scarfs to cover a very ugly head. This time wasn't nearly as traumatic because I had seen that before. Sometimes I wonder if I will every really get to have hair again as it seems chemo will go on for the better part of my future. That is a very real possibility that I must face and I can. At this point I have to just go day to day.
We are waiting for my bone marrow to begin producing its own cells and pray they are very strong and will remain leukemia free. There is a 25% chance that this could be thrown into remission and I could remain there for a while. Of course that is our prayer that God could grant us that miracle! The other scenario would be that mine wasn't strong enough and we would be looking at a bone marrow transplant that we would go to Dallas to complete. That would be a 3 month hospital stay and another month in outpatient. I am having such difficulty wrapping my mind around that but it is a real possibility and seems to be the path Dr. Carr thinks eventually we would have to take. This morning was tough because that seems insurmountable and so much time away from friends, my church, work, and life as we are use to. I think the days of life as we know it are over and I must only do what has to be done for life
I find myself asking why and finding no answer to this and I realize that God never promised any of that, just that He will be with us no matter what path is put before us. I know the right thing to say is to be thankful that I should be called faithful enough to get through these trials and count it all good. The other part of me says I don't want to be called that, this is hard and leave me alone. I know my God is big enough to hear that and His ways are not mine and I just need to be still and know that He is in control and I am not! One day as we look back on all of this, and I pray that one day I can, I will have survived and know that a life was changed because of what I went through. I may never have answers. I am confident of only one thing and that is that He has been here before me and knows where I have to go and I am not alone! I must keep saying that over and over. I was reminded by a dear friend today I have to stop putting our God in a box and believe! Against all odds-we can do this thing!
Psalm 112:4 says Lord God, help me to be obedient to You even in this difficult season. Your Word says that even in darkness light dawns for the upright, for the gracious and compassionate and righteous man. Lord please help me to be obedient in this trial and respond as you would have me to. I want for others to see you through me and how I handle these tough times. Help me to have patience and not get ahead ahead of the game. Help me not to box you in and believe with all that is within me that you were and still are a God of miracles-I ask for a miracle Lord! In all of this may you be glorified.
God is good--------------all the time!
Yesterday my hair started to fall out again so my precious friend and hair dresser came and put it out of its misery and shaved it all off so we could get on with life. Back to wigs and beautiful scarfs to cover a very ugly head. This time wasn't nearly as traumatic because I had seen that before. Sometimes I wonder if I will every really get to have hair again as it seems chemo will go on for the better part of my future. That is a very real possibility that I must face and I can. At this point I have to just go day to day.
We are waiting for my bone marrow to begin producing its own cells and pray they are very strong and will remain leukemia free. There is a 25% chance that this could be thrown into remission and I could remain there for a while. Of course that is our prayer that God could grant us that miracle! The other scenario would be that mine wasn't strong enough and we would be looking at a bone marrow transplant that we would go to Dallas to complete. That would be a 3 month hospital stay and another month in outpatient. I am having such difficulty wrapping my mind around that but it is a real possibility and seems to be the path Dr. Carr thinks eventually we would have to take. This morning was tough because that seems insurmountable and so much time away from friends, my church, work, and life as we are use to. I think the days of life as we know it are over and I must only do what has to be done for life
I find myself asking why and finding no answer to this and I realize that God never promised any of that, just that He will be with us no matter what path is put before us. I know the right thing to say is to be thankful that I should be called faithful enough to get through these trials and count it all good. The other part of me says I don't want to be called that, this is hard and leave me alone. I know my God is big enough to hear that and His ways are not mine and I just need to be still and know that He is in control and I am not! One day as we look back on all of this, and I pray that one day I can, I will have survived and know that a life was changed because of what I went through. I may never have answers. I am confident of only one thing and that is that He has been here before me and knows where I have to go and I am not alone! I must keep saying that over and over. I was reminded by a dear friend today I have to stop putting our God in a box and believe! Against all odds-we can do this thing!
Psalm 112:4 says Lord God, help me to be obedient to You even in this difficult season. Your Word says that even in darkness light dawns for the upright, for the gracious and compassionate and righteous man. Lord please help me to be obedient in this trial and respond as you would have me to. I want for others to see you through me and how I handle these tough times. Help me to have patience and not get ahead ahead of the game. Help me not to box you in and believe with all that is within me that you were and still are a God of miracles-I ask for a miracle Lord! In all of this may you be glorified.
God is good--------------all the time!
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