I am still in the hospital waiting for my blood counts to come back. They have begun to climb slowly but surely. This hospital stay has seemed endless but I have felt good and had very few bad reactions from the antibiotics as before.
I still have infections and am on the antibiotics but they are getting better. They put me on a very strong antibiotic because Dr. Carr thought one of the infections was MRSA a serious staff infection but that turned out to be negative but I was grateful she had begun to treat it anyway to assure I would be covered for the infection. My Hickman seemed to be showing signs of infection but as of today had not grown any cultures so far. I am hopeful that will continue as I really don't want to have it taken out which would mean the meds would have to be given through IV. The Hickman would be put back before chemo would start again. Now I just wait and wait and wait for my body to do what it is suppose to do-fight!
The past few days have been spent fighting with the insurance company so that they would hurry and okay a donor search as well as the transplant. Since my last blog my brother was tested to see if he was a match and much to mine and his disappointment he was not. We were both sure that would work out but that was not in God's plan. The waiting game began with the insurance company, AGAIN, and we were finally approved to go into the donor pool as of yesterday. Before the approval we were on the telephone and email daily trying to get them to hurry, a word they have absolutely no concept of. As of yesterday in the morning I was approved and by 2:00 that afternoon a potential donor was located and further communication with the person was needed. It turned out it was a good match and we once AGAIN had to go back to the insurance company for approval, more conversations with the insurance company and we should receive approval within the next two days for the transplant. At least that was what they promised but I have no idea why we should believe that since their word is not believable. If it sounds like I am disgusted and frustrated I AM. I can't even express how difficult it has been working with that company-seems they feel my age, a ripe old 60 and all my other medical problems do not make me a good candidate for a successful transplant. Of course I let them know in no uncertain terms I was not old and had much more to live for and that decision was not theirs but belonged to my doctors who knew me because they did not! I am really not a person that is hard to get along with (strong willed yes but not mean)but I will say they brought out the demons in me. Thank the Lord I do not know where their offices are because I think I would have gone there to take matters in my own hands. I know why people hate them and do bad things to them. This company is definitely "of the devil".
Since I have ranted on for a while I will stop and praise God for the blessings He has sent us in the past few days. I am overwhelmed with the idea that someone in this big old world is enough like me that I can use their stem cells to grow healthy ones for my own body. If that is not a miracle, I don't know what is! God has certainly gone before us and made a path that is amazing!
Today's devotional in Beth Moore was awesome and just what I needed (why am I surprised) I would love to share it with you.
She begins with the "our Bridegroom sometimes leads us to difficult places, but we can trust Him to have purpose in our stay and never forsakes us."
Ps 107:13 tells us I cry to You, Lord, in my trouble. Save me from my distress. Ps 57:2-3 says I cry out to You, God Most High, to You who fulfills Your purpose for me. You send from heaven and save me, rebuking those who hotly pursue me. You send Your love and Your faithfulness.
What a blessing to know that He does pursue us even when we feel we are so deep in we feel He can't even find us. Some days I do feel so distressed I can't be found but I do know He knows where I am and not only that He sits right beside me and never leaves that spot.
You tell me Lord. "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Your power may rest on me. 2 Cor 12:9 (my life verse-may I live it)
You will never leave me, Lord. Never will You forsake me (Heb 13:5) You are the only absolute guarantee I have in all of this journey I find myself in-please help me to hold on to you with every ounce of energy I have.
I realize the next few weeks and months will be the hardest I have ever and will ever face in this lifetime. I must admit I am anxious or no really down right scarred to face them. But I know that I am not alone-God still carries me and holds me tighter than ever. I also know that He has blessed me with a family that is unbelievably strong and determined that I feel loved and supported. How incredibly blessed I am! Thank you Lord.
God is good------------all the time!
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
What a ride this week was!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chemo went well last week, six treatments in the hospital and I tolerated it very well and was feeling pretty good so Dr. Carr sent me home on Tuesday late in the evening after chemo, platelets, blood transfusion and a bunch of waiting around. All went well, dr. office, lunch, home and then at about 3:30 the world began to crumble. I became severely nauseated, chills, dizzy and even passed out. My girls were scared to death as was my baby Shiloh and called 911 but I came to but was soooooooo out of it and still nauseated. 911 was canceled and Wes was called along with Dr. Carr who said get to the hospital, now! Drama to the max but I was pretty unaware of the world just that I felt horrible. After a miserable trip to the hospital poor Wes finally got me in and we were all pretty scared and needed answers. Hooked me up to IV's and began blood tests to find infection. My fever was up and down all night, chills so bad five blankets couldn't stop the shaking, horrible nightmares, sweets, feelings of out of body and wishes that I was!
Probably that was the worst night and worst 24 hours as of yet! I guess best I can describe it was feeling sooooo bad you just wanted to not be able to remember anything or feel anything but knowing in your woozy heart you had no control over anything physical or mental. I could hear things but didn't want to be a part I just wanted to feel better. I sleep on and off for about 24 hours and believe it or not did not take a bath, take my brace off, put my makeup on or communicate except when made to for all that evening and the next day. Pit is not bad enough a word for that ride. I was by no means on my way to heaven and I know hell is much much worse than that but I was in a land I don't want to visit anytime again! i will say during that time there were periods of being able to talk to the Lord and beg for mercy and make it all to go away-if that meant heaven I was ready and I could feel Him say, "Not yet"! Then do something I would say. Finally about 9:00 that evening I began a slight rally and finally at about 2:30 AM I got up for the bathroom and felt like earth was real again for the first time in a while. The next morning I got up and showered my stinky body and put on my makeup and met a beautiful day of life with my beautiful relieved family!
To all of you who texted, phoned, and messaged that I scared you-----believe me we were all scared! I so appreciate your prayers and God did answer!
The test results results showed a blood infection, high fever, low blood pressure, and of course the nausea. I was put on an antibiotic, fluids and it is working. The blood counts are falling as they should because of the chemo but my body is responding to the antibiotic and I have non of the awful rashes, swelling or other horrible reactions as before so we are praising God for His help in this time of trouble!
The donor typing for the bone marrow transplant is in process and we are waiting to hear from the results of compatability of mine and my brothers and go from there. We need information quickly so we can move forward. That is a very urgent prayer request and we appreciate your joining with us. We are hopeful to have news soon!
During those dark hours God sustained me and I am again so grateful for the bright day on the other side. Those valleys are so dark but Oh how bright on the other side!
The day I finally felt really good God gave me this devotional in Beth Moore's Praying God's Word. Of course I must share. So powerful and for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lord, if the only home I hope for is the grave, if I spread out my bed in darkness...where then is my hope?(Job 17:13,15). Help me not to see the grave as my only hope. I am one of Your children, Lord! How foolish for the grave to be my hope,
for I will never live in a grave. I will be with You in glory.
For You who said, "Let light shine out of darkness,"made Your light shine in my heart to give me the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ (2 Cor 4:6). I am a chosen person, part of a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to You, God, that I may declare the praises of You who called me out of darkness into Your wonderful light (1 Pet 2:9)
My sweet God thank you so much for the light You have let me see and for the days I have to enjoy what You so graciously have given me. How bright that light has become. Let me shine bright for You!
God is good-------all the time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Probably that was the worst night and worst 24 hours as of yet! I guess best I can describe it was feeling sooooo bad you just wanted to not be able to remember anything or feel anything but knowing in your woozy heart you had no control over anything physical or mental. I could hear things but didn't want to be a part I just wanted to feel better. I sleep on and off for about 24 hours and believe it or not did not take a bath, take my brace off, put my makeup on or communicate except when made to for all that evening and the next day. Pit is not bad enough a word for that ride. I was by no means on my way to heaven and I know hell is much much worse than that but I was in a land I don't want to visit anytime again! i will say during that time there were periods of being able to talk to the Lord and beg for mercy and make it all to go away-if that meant heaven I was ready and I could feel Him say, "Not yet"! Then do something I would say. Finally about 9:00 that evening I began a slight rally and finally at about 2:30 AM I got up for the bathroom and felt like earth was real again for the first time in a while. The next morning I got up and showered my stinky body and put on my makeup and met a beautiful day of life with my beautiful relieved family!
To all of you who texted, phoned, and messaged that I scared you-----believe me we were all scared! I so appreciate your prayers and God did answer!
The test results results showed a blood infection, high fever, low blood pressure, and of course the nausea. I was put on an antibiotic, fluids and it is working. The blood counts are falling as they should because of the chemo but my body is responding to the antibiotic and I have non of the awful rashes, swelling or other horrible reactions as before so we are praising God for His help in this time of trouble!
The donor typing for the bone marrow transplant is in process and we are waiting to hear from the results of compatability of mine and my brothers and go from there. We need information quickly so we can move forward. That is a very urgent prayer request and we appreciate your joining with us. We are hopeful to have news soon!
During those dark hours God sustained me and I am again so grateful for the bright day on the other side. Those valleys are so dark but Oh how bright on the other side!
The day I finally felt really good God gave me this devotional in Beth Moore's Praying God's Word. Of course I must share. So powerful and for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lord, if the only home I hope for is the grave, if I spread out my bed in darkness...where then is my hope?(Job 17:13,15). Help me not to see the grave as my only hope. I am one of Your children, Lord! How foolish for the grave to be my hope,
for I will never live in a grave. I will be with You in glory.
For You who said, "Let light shine out of darkness,"made Your light shine in my heart to give me the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ (2 Cor 4:6). I am a chosen person, part of a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to You, God, that I may declare the praises of You who called me out of darkness into Your wonderful light (1 Pet 2:9)
My sweet God thank you so much for the light You have let me see and for the days I have to enjoy what You so graciously have given me. How bright that light has become. Let me shine bright for You!
God is good-------all the time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Saturday, July 9, 2011
CHEMO AGAIN!
Dr. Carr decided to put me back in the hospital on Thursday to begin consolidation therapy for the leukemia again. The transplant insurance company has been unbievably uncoporative letting the okays go to check for a donor match so we can proceed with the plans. On Wednesday all day us and Dr. Carr's office delt with the insurance company on the phone, most of it not in an amicable way but things did seem to begin to move in the right direction. They had sat on the request for 45 days and had made one excuse after another. Seemed they were trying to let the cancer run its course and take me so they would not have to pay for the transplant. Of course they assured me that was not the case but no one will ever convince me that was not right. I'll never understand how insurance companies can call the shots in medical situations they know nothing about. One thing I went from being so overwhelmed with the whole situation and feeling like I couldn't do it to just being mad and determined I could last them out and not give them the satisfaction of not having to pay for the procedure. This feeling seems to be better for the situation I am going through. Anyway I have a new strength so some good came of it.
I met with the transplant doctor, Dr. Berryman, on Thursday at Dr. Carr's office. He was so imformative and helped us all understand the procedure. We are shotting for transplant within the next 4-6 weeks because I am in remission and that increases the success of the transplant by 50%, obviously it is urgent that we find a donor and the insurance moves quickly. I will go to Dallas to the Baylor medical center and the bone marrow transplant procedure will be about 6 days long and then we wait and see if my body accepts the marrow without rejection. He said there was a 50% percent chance that would happen but there were great anti-rejection drugs and they work very well to pull you through that stage. There is a 10-15 percent chance of not making it through the transplant which kind off freaked me out but that is a pretty low chance of death so I'll take it and obviously that is a huge prayer request. One could get hit by a car sooner than that. They will continue to follow my progress for the next months and I will have to stay in the Dallas area but there are apartments available through the hospital. After about 2 months I should be able to be monitered from Midland because Dr. Berryman comes to Midland once a month to check on patients. The odds of no reacurrance go up with each month and year I can stay in remission. The transplant gives me a huge boost and will help the leukemia to stay in remission. Without it he guarenteed it would return and be more an more difficult to control.
So much to digest but very encouraging from this side. I do understand that God is in front of me and know what lies ahead and I trust Him with the details and plans He has for me.
Right now we need the insurance company to move quickly and okay all the procedures. Also my brother, Bob, will be the first place to go for a since he is my only sibling. That is a 1 in 4 chance he will be a match and that would be wonderful as he lives in Tyler and would need to be available during the donor transplant procedure. That would be so perfect so I am praying that God will allow that to happen. We have already started on that so should know something soon. If he is not we will go into the donor pool to find a donor. They say not to worry someone is out there who can help. That is definitely in God's hands as well.
Seems so much depends on straightend paths before us and that is out of our hands and is all with our Lord. I can't think of better hands to be in-He loves us so and knows what lies ahead. I have let all those plans I had made let go and I am comfortable with that! Praise Him.
These were my scriptures from my devotional for yesterday and seem so appropriate for the situration. God always gives us strength for the moment:
Lam 3:22-24--"Help me to call this to mind and therefore always have hope: because of Your great love, I am not consumed for Your compassions never fail. They are new toward me every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I will say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him"
Ps. 31:7-8--"I will be glad and rejoice in Your love, O God, for You saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul. You have not handed me over to the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place."
Deut 33: 27---"You eternal God, are my refuge and underneath are Your everlasting arms. You will drive out my enemy before me, saying, "Destroy him!"
I'm ready for the enemy to be destroyed and to get on with a cancer free life to enjoy till God calls me home.
I covet your prayer support over the next days as many things must come together. God is in control, and I am glad.
God is good----------all the time!
I met with the transplant doctor, Dr. Berryman, on Thursday at Dr. Carr's office. He was so imformative and helped us all understand the procedure. We are shotting for transplant within the next 4-6 weeks because I am in remission and that increases the success of the transplant by 50%, obviously it is urgent that we find a donor and the insurance moves quickly. I will go to Dallas to the Baylor medical center and the bone marrow transplant procedure will be about 6 days long and then we wait and see if my body accepts the marrow without rejection. He said there was a 50% percent chance that would happen but there were great anti-rejection drugs and they work very well to pull you through that stage. There is a 10-15 percent chance of not making it through the transplant which kind off freaked me out but that is a pretty low chance of death so I'll take it and obviously that is a huge prayer request. One could get hit by a car sooner than that. They will continue to follow my progress for the next months and I will have to stay in the Dallas area but there are apartments available through the hospital. After about 2 months I should be able to be monitered from Midland because Dr. Berryman comes to Midland once a month to check on patients. The odds of no reacurrance go up with each month and year I can stay in remission. The transplant gives me a huge boost and will help the leukemia to stay in remission. Without it he guarenteed it would return and be more an more difficult to control.
So much to digest but very encouraging from this side. I do understand that God is in front of me and know what lies ahead and I trust Him with the details and plans He has for me.
Right now we need the insurance company to move quickly and okay all the procedures. Also my brother, Bob, will be the first place to go for a since he is my only sibling. That is a 1 in 4 chance he will be a match and that would be wonderful as he lives in Tyler and would need to be available during the donor transplant procedure. That would be so perfect so I am praying that God will allow that to happen. We have already started on that so should know something soon. If he is not we will go into the donor pool to find a donor. They say not to worry someone is out there who can help. That is definitely in God's hands as well.
Seems so much depends on straightend paths before us and that is out of our hands and is all with our Lord. I can't think of better hands to be in-He loves us so and knows what lies ahead. I have let all those plans I had made let go and I am comfortable with that! Praise Him.
These were my scriptures from my devotional for yesterday and seem so appropriate for the situration. God always gives us strength for the moment:
Lam 3:22-24--"Help me to call this to mind and therefore always have hope: because of Your great love, I am not consumed for Your compassions never fail. They are new toward me every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I will say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him"
Ps. 31:7-8--"I will be glad and rejoice in Your love, O God, for You saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul. You have not handed me over to the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place."
Deut 33: 27---"You eternal God, are my refuge and underneath are Your everlasting arms. You will drive out my enemy before me, saying, "Destroy him!"
I'm ready for the enemy to be destroyed and to get on with a cancer free life to enjoy till God calls me home.
I covet your prayer support over the next days as many things must come together. God is in control, and I am glad.
God is good----------all the time!
Monday, July 4, 2011
One more week off---------woohoo!
Dr. Carr is trying to get me an appointment with the transplant doctor in Dallas so she chose not to put me back in the hospital for more chemo until after the appointment so my counts would be strong. Seems the insurance company is satisfied with the tests they demanded which all came back negative just as Dr. Carr said they would. Funny how now days people who are not even doctors are able to call the shots. Oh well as long as they okay the typing and eventually the transplant. I am not looking forward to the transplant but I would like to get on with it and just get it over with. I have learned I must just go one day at a time and stop anticipating the future and what it might bring. I have always been one to plan ahead and know where I was heading and hopefully planning of the outcome. That is obviously a lesson the good Lord wanted me to learn as every time I look to the future I become so overwhelmed I just give up so I have learned to stop and just live in the moment. For that reason I am so enjoying my home, family, friends and especially my own bed with my wonderful husband. I live from one doctors appointment to the next!
We just seem to be such slow learners or at least I am anyway-and I bet I have a few like me out there. Our lessons seemed to be best learned, or only learned, in the midst of the refining fire when God always tells us the easy way to go and how best to get to the other end of the road. He tells us His yolk is light and easy, yet we weight ourselves down with our own yolks. He tells us two is always better than one when going through the storms yet we insist on going it alone because we are tough and don't need anyone! I have experienced first hand that during the times when I thought I couldn't go on there was always someone to say WE will do this together and I always felt the hand of God through that family member or friend. So often said but so true, He carries us every step of the way. Oh but if we would just let Him!
So many of you out there have said so often that this blog and my family has made such an impact on your lives as you have watched us travel this journey. I hope it has all been good impacts and that somehow God has been glorified in so many ways.
These verses speak my heart:
Ps 126:5-6 "The Lord will do great things for me, and I will be filled with joy. I will sow in tears, then I will reap with songs of joy. If I go out weeping, Lord, carrying sheaves with me."
1 Pet 5:10 "Please help me be willing to sow the seed of Your Word and to water it with my tears, believing You in the midst of my pain. If I do, You will be faithful to fill me with joy again. You will faithfully bring harvest forth from my life. My suffering will not be in vain.
You, the God of all grace, who called me to Your eternal glory in Christ, will restore me and make me strong, firm, and steadfast after I have suffered a little while."
My prayer is that the seeds that God has given our family to sow on this journey will be sheaves we will carry with us. I pray God will continue to be glorified and our tears will be seeds that will grow into great joy for the Lord as others observe us on this fiery journey. Lord continue to use us and may others see Jesus in us! This journey will not be in vain! I don't know how long this journey will be whether for the remainder of my life or only for a season-but I am sure of one thing I am not alone and God carries me every step of the way and continues to know what will come next--He is already there!
I pray that at the end of this journey of life that I will stand before my Lord and He will be able to say-well done lady, I told you could do it and do it you did!
God is good----------all the time!
We just seem to be such slow learners or at least I am anyway-and I bet I have a few like me out there. Our lessons seemed to be best learned, or only learned, in the midst of the refining fire when God always tells us the easy way to go and how best to get to the other end of the road. He tells us His yolk is light and easy, yet we weight ourselves down with our own yolks. He tells us two is always better than one when going through the storms yet we insist on going it alone because we are tough and don't need anyone! I have experienced first hand that during the times when I thought I couldn't go on there was always someone to say WE will do this together and I always felt the hand of God through that family member or friend. So often said but so true, He carries us every step of the way. Oh but if we would just let Him!
So many of you out there have said so often that this blog and my family has made such an impact on your lives as you have watched us travel this journey. I hope it has all been good impacts and that somehow God has been glorified in so many ways.
These verses speak my heart:
Ps 126:5-6 "The Lord will do great things for me, and I will be filled with joy. I will sow in tears, then I will reap with songs of joy. If I go out weeping, Lord, carrying sheaves with me."
1 Pet 5:10 "Please help me be willing to sow the seed of Your Word and to water it with my tears, believing You in the midst of my pain. If I do, You will be faithful to fill me with joy again. You will faithfully bring harvest forth from my life. My suffering will not be in vain.
You, the God of all grace, who called me to Your eternal glory in Christ, will restore me and make me strong, firm, and steadfast after I have suffered a little while."
My prayer is that the seeds that God has given our family to sow on this journey will be sheaves we will carry with us. I pray God will continue to be glorified and our tears will be seeds that will grow into great joy for the Lord as others observe us on this fiery journey. Lord continue to use us and may others see Jesus in us! This journey will not be in vain! I don't know how long this journey will be whether for the remainder of my life or only for a season-but I am sure of one thing I am not alone and God carries me every step of the way and continues to know what will come next--He is already there!
I pray that at the end of this journey of life that I will stand before my Lord and He will be able to say-well done lady, I told you could do it and do it you did!
God is good----------all the time!
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