HARD DAYS

Seems I have a good day and the next I hit rock bottom or maybe I'm not there yet I don't know. This journey is getting harder by the day and I am not nearly as strong as I thought I was. God must be carrying me otherwise I think my choice would be to just lay here and pray for death. It would be easier I am sure.

I continue to get up every morning and dress for the day because I know if I stop that I truly will be miserable. My family continues to rally and be a wonderful support. Since my counts are at 0 other visitors have been cut off. Infections continue to set in. One is a blood infection and I ran fever for a few days but one antibiotic took care of that evidently. I have been fever free for about 48 hours now-woohoo-that is always good. Have a spot on my leg that looks infected in the skin, weird,doctor put me on another antibiotic to wipe out staff. That scares me but I know it will take care of it. As gross as it sounds I have had diarrhea for about five days and mouth sores on top of mouth sores. I am so full of medicine my head is swimming all the time and have a hard time keeping my thought processes straight. This disease has taken my body captive but I swear I am not giving up. I know this sounds like I am overwhelmed and I am but I am not defeated and will not give up. As Marshall says you can loose a few battles but not the war mom.

I find myself praying for such simple physical things to my Jesus, like being able to eat a few bites of food and not going to the bathroom in 10 minutes. We so do take our health and contact with the outside world and friends for granted. I would even welcome feeling the feeling of 105 degree weather and dusty wind of West Texas. The warm sunshine coming in the windows in the mornings feels so good on me. I would love to be able to hold my grand baby and kiss her chubby cheeks, hug Wes and kiss him and not have him worry about getting me sick, and of course hugging my sweet children and these precious nurses who tirelessly take care of my every need. Anyone who is reading this now needs to go and hug a friend or loved one because just that physical touch means so much. We don't realize that until it is taken away for a while. I know that God will give that to me again and I long for those days to come sooner than later. Also to be able to wake up to the day and know that I will feel good and enjoy the day. We do take so much of life for granted!

This scripture seems to tell the story of my body right now but I am confident a new day is coming: (Hab.3: 17-19) Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in You, my Lord. I will be joyful in God my Savior. For You, Lord are my strength. You make my feet like the feet of a deer. You enable me to go on the heights. Father I know you will eventually take me to heights far exceeding the depths that I am experiencing at this moment. They just seem so deep Lord.
(Rom. 5:3) Father, continue to bring me along so that I can rejoice in my sufferings, because I know suffering produces perseverance.

Tomorrow will be a new day and my prayer will be a better one with a stronger attitude. I need to be a stronger warrior than these last few days. I trust that my Lord will continue to carry me as he has always done. Praise Him for His mighty power! I shall make Him proud.

God is good------all the time!!!!!!!!!!!