Seems so long since I have blogged but had a good reason, but am finally back among the land of the living and the want to be living! Last week was a long series of very dark days and very very sick ones. Seems I couldn't get over anythings-high fever, rashes all over and on top of each other, leg so swollen my brace dug into my leg, of course no hair, no taste, sores in mouth, no blood counts so no immunities. Pretty much a feeling of despair and giving up. I can remember a few nights of giving up and just asking the Lord to please end it and take me to be with Him where I could have peace again! Each day I would get up, put my makeup on and then go to bed and just be in survival mode. I had a hard time praying at all because I just was spent so I just threw myself at the feet of Jesus and ask that He please pick me up and put me in His lap and make it all better. I know He did even though at the time I couldn't feel it but I'm still here and am soooooooooooooo much better! Psalm 6 was where I was (the living Bible) "No, Lord don't punish me in the heat of your anger. Pity me, O Lord, for I am weak. Heal me, for my body is sick and I am upset and disturbed. My mind is filled with apprehension and with gloom. Oh, restore me soon. Come, O Lord, and make me well. In your kindness save me. For if I die I cannot give you glory by praising you before my friends. I am worn out with pain; every night my pillow is wet with tears. My eyes are growing old and dim with grief because of all my enemies. Go, leave me now, you men of evil deeds, for the Lord has heard my weeping and my pleading. He will answer all my prayers. All my enemies shall suddenly be dishonored, terror-stricken, and disgraced. God will turn them back in shame."
As I reflect on those feelings I realize that is the first time I have ever really given up and begged for mercy. Maybe that's what God wanted from me. Anyway I know He is not finished with me just yet and hope He made glory from my weakness at that point.
Finally the fevers began to break up on Sunday and especially on Monday. My counts began to climb on Monday morning and doubled each day as I began to get stronger and stronger, fever free, rashes are finally beginning to subside. Dr. Carr has taken me off all antibiotics am only on potassium because that is so low because of diarrhea which should clear up as soon as antibiotics clear out of system. She is talking about letting me go home on Sunday, Monday, or Tuesday depending on progress of recovery from meds. She said I could carry on life normally but assured me the fevers would return and I would have to come back in for more chemo and maintenance probably forever. No one knows the time frame but she was so positive and that is what Wes and Weslee heard and of course I heard the bad stuff, kindof freaked me out and I grieved all day because I guess I realized this was a forever thing and I would never have hair again and have periodic bouts with this all the time. I was feeling my mortality and that life as I knew it was over-scared everyone but all my family and friends were encouraging and listened and told me what I knew already but needed to hear again! Woke up yesterday a new woman with a good positive attitude again. Isn't it wonderful how God allows us to have pity parties and doesn't get in the way or be mad at us and accepts us back into His arms to rely on Him once again. Love it when He does that! He loves us so much and I praise Him for that.
So many up here at the hospital have said our family was such an inspiration to them and they have seen how Jesus has carried us through and kept our spirits up through the journey. They have become our family-we love them so and appreciate all the wonderful care we have received. They pray for us and we pray for them-as it should be.
Ps 18:28 You have turned on my light! The Lord my God has made my darkness turn to light. Now in Your strength I can scale any wall, attack any troops.
Is 40:28-31 He gives power to the tired and worn out, and strength to the weak. Even the youths shall be exhausted and the young men will all give up. But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not grow weary, they shall walk and not faint. I'm claiming it God help me!
God is good-----all the time!
I love you and praise our sweet Jesus for carrying you through the very very dark hours of last week. I know that God is not finished with you yet and Jer. 29:11 is still His promise to you and all of us. I can't wait to see how God is getting ready to use you as His instrument to bring Glory and Honor to Him; by winning souls to Christ because they who have watched you and the family go through this trial in your life and never wavered from your Faith; believing that God is still the God of miracles!!
ReplyDeleteI'm so proud of you and your openness to share with all of your readers your feelings of despair and anguise during a time when most would rather just want to not admit how they really felt. Our Awesome God comforted you with just the right words out of Ps as He held you in His arms night and day throughout this whole ordeal. He is still there carrying you each step of the way while renewing your body to a healthy and strong state.
I know there are many more obstacles to go over but you can know with all of your heart and mind that your family and friends will be there every step of the way to love you and help get you through with prayers and anything else you need.
"Hair" is not what makes a woman beautiful..... It's her inner beauty shining
through. And you ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!
Bald...we can fix.