Two weeks down

I have been here two weeks-7days of chemo-4 days of another chemo-4 infections (one a real mystery)-hair out (again)-two more weeks ahead. Wow I'm exhausted how about you. Who would have thought all that could happen in 14 days. I am still here and feeling pretty good, just blessed to be alive and live to tell the story.

Yesterday my hair started to fall out again so my precious friend and hair dresser came and put it out of its misery and shaved it all off so we could get on with life. Back to wigs and beautiful scarfs to cover a very ugly head. This time wasn't nearly as traumatic because I had seen that before. Sometimes I wonder if I will every really get to have hair again as it seems chemo will go on for the better part of my future. That is a very real possibility that I must face and I can. At this point I have to just go day to day.

We are waiting for my bone marrow to begin producing its own cells and pray they are very strong and will remain leukemia free. There is a 25% chance that this could be thrown into remission and I could remain there for a while. Of course that is our prayer that God could grant us that miracle! The other scenario would be that mine wasn't strong enough and we would be looking at a bone marrow transplant that we would go to Dallas to complete. That would be a 3 month hospital stay and another month in outpatient. I am having such difficulty wrapping my mind around that but it is a real possibility and seems to be the path Dr. Carr thinks eventually we would have to take. This morning was tough because that seems insurmountable and so much time away from friends, my church, work, and life as we are use to. I think the days of life as we know it are over and I must only do what has to be done for life

I find myself asking why and finding no answer to this and I realize that God never promised any of that, just that He will be with us no matter what path is put before us. I know the right thing to say is to be thankful that I should be called faithful enough to get through these trials and count it all good. The other part of me says I don't want to be called that, this is hard and leave me alone. I know my God is big enough to hear that and His ways are not mine and I just need to be still and know that He is in control and I am not! One day as we look back on all of this, and I pray that one day I can, I will have survived and know that a life was changed because of what I went through. I may never have answers. I am confident of only one thing and that is that He has been here before me and knows where I have to go and I am not alone! I must keep saying that over and over. I was reminded by a dear friend today I have to stop putting our God in a box and believe! Against all odds-we can do this thing!

Psalm 112:4 says Lord God, help me to be obedient to You even in this difficult season. Your Word says that even in darkness light dawns for the upright, for the gracious and compassionate and righteous man. Lord please help me to be obedient in this trial and respond as you would have me to. I want for others to see you through me and how I handle these tough times. Help me to have patience and not get ahead ahead of the game. Help me not to box you in and believe with all that is within me that you were and still are a God of miracles-I ask for a miracle Lord! In all of this may you be glorified.

God is good--------------all the time!