New journey and this time a real storm

Well here I am again returning to what got me through a hard time before. It's time for some deep therapy again and will use this sight for that.

God has another journey for me, this one being much different and even tougher than the first with breast cancer. That did seem a bad dream but He carried me through and I seemed to be doing great. Sailed through the first check up in February and had begun to work my old schedule at Merle Norman and it felt so good to be among the world and busy with my church work and regular work again. I had my second check up on Monday the 16 of this month, May. Really felt everything would be good, of course I had some concerns especially about the spot under my arm from the surgery but we had already sonogram ed it and the result was fluid and blood filled pocket from the mastectomy, I figured a sonogram and them maybe cutting it out at the worst. About a month ago I had noticed I seemed to be bruising for no apparent reason-probably just old age I thought-after all I had turned 60 on March the 23.

My checkup quickly turned into a nightmare when Dr. Carr looked at my blood counts and they were a "mess" as she said. Seems they were as low as if I was in the middle of chemo treatments again and that had ended 6 months ago. She immediately scheduled a bone marrow biopsy in the next room before I could go home. She obviously knew and so did we that something was up. By the way if anyone ever says bone marrow biopsy to you run unless you are out cold and know nothing about what is going on. I would have all 3 of my babies naturally one after the other before that will happen again. I will face more but she assured me I would be out and never feel a thing. Praise God for that good news! I had another appointment schedule for Wednesday for another blood count session and then on Friday for more blood tests and another appointment with my sweet Dr. Never made it to even the scheduled appointment on Wednesday. Dr. Carr called me at 8:30 on Wednesday and had come in on her day off to meet with me with preliminary results. I woke up Melissia and called Wes to meet us at her office. Had a feeling it was not good news. She had told us previously she was looking for more breast cancer cells, Leukemia, or bone marrow displacia. Those all sounded bad so for the first time I really didn't know what to pray for. Just strength to handle whatever I was facing. When I got to her office she took my hand and gently told me I had leukemia and began telling me all the huge names and explanations for what they had found in preliminary reports. When Wes arrived she started over and I still didn't understand very much but it was bad and I had a long road ahead of me. I was scheduled to check into the hospital on Thursday morning for a minimum of 30 day hospital stay and chemo pretty much around the clock and a second treatment each day. That first day I had an ecocardiogram, chest xray, and Hickman pic line placement, platelet blood transfusion, and one shock after another. However God carried us through each one and I began my stay in a sterile environment. Dr Carr said my family could come in but must stay at arms length and I could have no visitors, no flowers, no fresh fruit, no fresh vegetables but all I heard was no visitors. I could not imagine going through such a storm without a support group especially with the wonderful support group I was blessed with. My mind was whirling and Wes and I definitely had many questions and the Drs. had no answers.

Each time Dr. Carr comes in with a little more of the story from the biopsy, everyone seems more puzzled mainly this damage to the blood happens way down the road from cancer and chemo and I had just a 6 month window. The treatment for the beginning remains the same, strong chemo to kill the bone marrow and then try to make it come back healthy and if that fails we will be looking at a bone marrow transplant with my brother being the first one to look at and if that's not a match we will look at a huge pool including my family, friends, and people I don't even know. That is down the road, at least a few weeks, so we will cross that bridge when we get to it. God will provide. Meanwhile, a long list of blood donors is being handled by a dear nurse friend at church so that I can have fresh blood and not have to put a drain on the local blood bank. Seems I am facing many more transfusions.

Just one day or as I learned yesterday one moment, there is just too much to process and a long road ahead that seems to be all consuming. I continue to cling to my sweet Jesus because I realize the times will be rough and way more than I can handle.

My first full day in the hospital found me not believing this was really happening-my devotional was a passage from the Ps. as David poured his heart out to the Lord. (Ps. 88: 12, 18 and Ps. 142:6) Father, I am struggling. I feel that you have taken my companions and loved ones from me; the darkness is my closest friend. Lord show me wonders in this place of darkness and reveal to me Your righteousness in this land of oblivion. Let them draw me to your light. Please come and rescue me. Be my closest companion and my dearest loved one. Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need; rescue me from those who pursue me, for they are strong for me.

As I poured my heart out to my Jesus and ask for comfort, Dr. Carr came in to visit and said she felt she was too harsh with the restrictions and I could have a few visitors but very few or she would revoke privileges again. It is certainly not an open door policy but much better than before. I have a small connection with my support group, but small is better than nothing. Still can't hug but can at least wave and talk. Thank you Jesus for this gift!

As I face this new journey I don't know where I am going or when it will end or what will be the outcome, I just know as before I am not alone but Jesus is carrying me even now and He carries Wes, and all my children and their sweet families. This time there have been many tears, and fears and what ifs but that sweet peace that only God can give is present and felt by all of us. My sweet Wes continues to hold me up and encourage me, we just cling to each other. I love him so!!!

Once again, I covet your prayers for strength for me and of course my family and friends. As I said to Marshall there has never been anything I couldn't do with God's help and this is no exception. I can do this I have much prayer support and it continues to grow day by day. My main prayer is that no matter what, God would be glorified and His faithfulness will be shown each day. I will continue to blog and share with you where my journey takes me and what wonderful things God reveals to me day by day.

As always I leave you with a scripture: Ps. 37: 39-40 --- Lord God, You are my stronghold in time of trouble. Help me and deliver me; deliver me from the wicked and save me, because I take refuge in You. Amen

God is good--------all the time!!!!!!!!!!!!