An Enormous Mountain

I know, I haven't been on this blog for over a month. My excuse is that of a roller coaster ride that I wouldn't wish on anyone. We are going on over 60 days of fighting with the insurance company to okay the transplant so the donor can be contacted again to complete the tests for transplant. I still can't believe there is a near perfect donor sitting on the other end of this and Baylor can't go with it because the people at the insurance are arguing over the way the medical reports were written. I have been through all the tests requested and passed with above average results yet we still can't seem to satisfy that illusive "medical expert" that they seem to keep throwing in our faces. I could go on for pages and pages but the fact still remains we still have not been approved and this insurance giant has way too much power and are trying to play god with my life. Somehow they seem to believe they know more than 6 doctors who have given me the all clear. All I can say is that this is the most frustrating thing I have ever faced in my entire life. It is time for me to go back in the hospital for more chemo so time is of the essence otherwise everything will be thrown off for at least 30 more days. If that happens Christmas would find me in the hospital and that does not sound fun.

I would love to say I have learned some deep spiritual truth in all this mess but I feel so helpless and much of the hope I had for cure has slipped away. I am still very sure of my hope in Jesus Christ but my hope in insurance companies is about as low as you can get. This wait has taken on a life of its own and is bigger than life itself. I have heard of situations like this but never did I realize how real it was and how helpless one could feel.

Facing the giants comes to mind as I look back over the past few months. I know that was football but this is a mountain that has been placed between me and recovery. We haven't been able to go around it, through it, over it, or under it. Seems we just sit on this side and try to climb it and find ourselves slipping back over and over again. We have addressed the same issue over and over again and they find something else to stop the process. The roller coaster continues to pull up the mountain and speeds ahead faster than life and then slows to a snails pace and often has completely stopped and we have absolutely no control. For the first time in this journey I must admit I have felt true discouragement and wondered if transplant would ever happen. I have also ask God why is this happening and to help me understand the time table. Nothing has made any sense to me or the doctors at Baylor or here. I have found myself literally begging for the phone to ring and the person on the other end to say come to Dallas, all is in place. I have received no clear answer from God and He has continued to hold me up but I must admit my peace has faltered and I have felt empty and alone in the process even though many have fought with me. The many phone conversations I have had with the powers that be seem to have fallen on deaf ears and they seem to be more interested in holding that power and delaying my chance at a healthy life.

As I literally fight for my life, I must keep reminding myself that God loves me more than anyone else on this earth and that He fights for my life even harder than I or anyone else has ever fought. It is so difficult to sit helplessly at home while someone else looks at a piece of paper and decides your fate. God knows what the end of this journey will be. I pray He will prepare me daily for the outcome even if it is not what I want it to be. I also pray that I will feel closer to Him and not this feeling of aloneness I have had hanging over me the past few weeks.

Again I turn to the scripture for the peace I so desperately need----------
Psalm 34:18 says, You, Lord, are close to the brokenhearted and saw those who are crushed in spirit.
Romans 8:38-39 says, You are surely so close to me, Lord. Help me to sense Your presence in my life, I need You more than I need the next breath. I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate me from Your love. O God, that is in Christ Jesus my Lord.

I remember the childhood song that we all know and have passed on to our children and I claim it---Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so------even when we don't feel it we KNOW it is true and that I am remembering every second of every day.

God is good-------------all the time!